Holiday Guide

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum

Holiday Fun with Unitarians

Fight Gifts

Fake African Christmas

Flight Gifts

My Mean Mom

Whadda Ya Want?

Gratitude

Fuck Everything

No Gifts at Hanukkah

Christmas of Death

Grandma Bernice

Merry Christ-Ass!

Dog Bite

Christmas in Vegas

The Dark Ornament

Leaving Ohio

Craps for Christmas

Good Ol' Uncle Merrill

Riding Santa's Sleigh

Ho Ho Hork!

No More Christmas

Obsession & Lights

Christmas in Israel

Higher Than Jesus

A Charlie Brown Christmas

The Gift Bitch

Cake
Though some people claim there is no good barbecue in Seattle, Willie's Taste of Soul BBQ comes damn close. And his wife makes the most delicious cake ever! Choose between red velvet, 7 Up pound cake, chocolate, and pineapple coconut (a vision, indeed). $25 for the nine-inch, $35 for an 11-inch. Order ahead.
Willie's Taste of Soul BBQ, 6305 Beacon Ave S, 722-3229.

Bag o' Quarters
Everyone needs quarters. Laundry, pinball, peeps at the Lusty Lady: Occasions requiring the possession of quarters are endless. Best of all, if you ask real nice, the bank will give you as many sparkling 25-cent pieces as you want in a cloth bank bag--the kind robbers clutch in old Westerns as they back out of the bank, shoot their guns in the air, and holler, "Yee-haw!!" (only without the gauche dollar sign).
Available at most local banks.

Cheap Watch
The best watches are the cheap ones. No one's hurt when they're lost or broken, and if they make your wrist itch, you can just throw 'em away. Luke's Pharmacy in the International District features a scorching collection of divinely colored plastic watches (including some alluring Hello Kitty rip-offs) for just $12-$15.
Luke's Pharmacy, 611 Maynard Ave S, 621-8883.

Cat Bath Mat
It's hot pink and shaped like a kitty's head--a fluffy, absorbent puss who winks. You must get this for your best girlfriend ($20).
Hello Gorgeous, 1530 Post Alley, 621-0702.

Turntable Resurrection
Why not take one of the eight dusty record players in your basement and do something with it? New turntable cartridges (that little plastic box with the needle inside) as well as FREE turntable balancing and installation are available from J & S Phonograph Needles for only 40 (and up to 400) dollars! Then buy the Jeepster/XFM holiday benefit LP, It's a Cool, Cool Christmas, featuring Belle & Sebastian, the Dandy Warhols, Low, the Flaming Lips, and Grandaddy. Profits go to the Big Issue Foundation for homeless people.
J & S Phonograph Needles, 1028 NE 65th St, 524-2933.
www.jeepster.co.uk.

Earmuffs
Like sunglasses and umbrellas, earmuffs (even one's favorite chartreuse green earmuffs) are often forgotten on buses and bartops. So it never hurts to have a backup. Warshal's Sporting Goods offers an array of colored, fun fur muffs for under $10.
Warshal's Sporting Goods, 1000 First Ave, 624-7303.

Hand Wash and Detail
Nothing makes a car lover smile like the gift of a finely polished automobile. Performed by the nice gentlemen at the Beverly Hills Exclusive Auto Detail, a standard wash and wax costs $35 for a car, $45 for an SUV. Also available is the Beverly Hills Exclusive Wash and Detail, which includes a wash, polish, two coats of wax, tire and hubcap scrubbing--plus the inside is shampooed and vacuumed, all for $150.
Beverly Hills Exclusive Auto Detail, 3758 Rainier Ave S, 841-2097. Call or drop by to make an appointment.

Gold Jewelry
Though Funky Town is run by possibly the most unpleasant people on the face of the planet, it's the perfect place to secure a gift for your loved one who admires gold trinkets. Not only are there gold shotgun pendants, but also cubic-zirconia-encrusted- gold-Jesus-on-the-cross medallions, and 20-carat gold bulldogs. Price based on weight and design; a standard-sized piece costs $50.
Funky Town, 3818 S Graham St (Martin Luther King Way and Graham), 725-4906.

Light Box/Dawn Simulator
If your friend or lover gets grumpy because of dark winter, consider giving him or her the gift of light--in the form of a light box or dawn simulator. Supposedly, sitting next to a light box reduces Seasonal Affective Disorder, while waking up with a dawn simulator eases the transition out of sleep by slowly increasing the amount of light in your bedroom. Light boxes can be expensive (the cheapest runs $270), while dawn simulators cost $130-$300.
The Indoor Sun Shoppe, 911 NE 45th, 634-3727.

Sausage
Get your bulk cured-meat products ($12.99 for 20-pound bag) at the Oh Boy! Oberto Factory Outlet. If the recipient of the gift values taste over volume, go straight to Salumi, home of the best golldarned sausages and salami around. Be sure to try the lamb-and-orange, pork fennel, and other specialty sausages ($4.95 per pound).
Oh Boy! Oberto Factory Outlet, 1715 Rainier Ave S, 322-7524.
Salumi, 309 Third Ave S, 621-8772
.

Days-of-the-Week Panties
Remember those underpants your mom packed for camp, each pair emblazoned with a day of the week? They're still incredibly useful, and the perfect gift ($19) for busy ladies and scatterbrained hussies. Or say to hell with the calendar, with BVDs tagged with pink skull and crossbones, dueling guns, or witticisms like, "Hello, Gorgeous!" ($6)--all declared exceedingly comfortable by our panel of underpants experts.
Hello Gorgeous, 1530 Post Alley, 621-0702.

Soccer Socks
From the basic black with two understated horizontal white stripes under the knee, to all manner of wild team-color conflagrations, soccer socks look great with short skirts, and keep your shin bones warm during the winter months ($4-$12).
Big 5 Sporting Goods, 4315 University Way NE, 547-2445.

Vegan Calendar
Got a vegan pal who needs some recipes? (And really, who doesn't?) Check out Dinner's on Me, a cute calendar featuring a certifiably delicious vegan recipe for every month, along with a photo of a sexy vegan lady, à la 1950s housewife hostess, holding said dish ($15.95).
Hello Gorgeous, 1530 Post Alley, 621-0702.

Portraiture
Give the gift of immortality to your friends' pets by having their visages painted onto canvas; think Van Gogh's Irises with Mr. Meow peeking through the leaves. E-mail Riana for an estimate and details at youfauxgirl@yahoo.com.

For the self-obsessed (screw the miniature schnauzer!), buy a photo shoot at Cover Look ($69 for six 4"x5" proofs), specializing in makeover glamour head shots and those uncomfortable and disturbing sexy-housewife sittings. Cover Look does makeup, hair, and provides ludicrous tops.
However, the sensible will be plenty happy with a $15.95 sitting at the Sears portrait studio, especially the scene with the rocking chair. (Print packages start at $5.95.)
Cover Look, Redmond Town Center, 425-702-9666.
Sears, 15711 Aurora Ave, 440-1225.

Nest Magazine
Nest is a lush, cheeky, smarty-pants "interiors" magazine and arrives quarterly with some strange packaging gimmick (the last issue came encased in plaid plastic). A must-have for anyone!
Call 1-888-321-6378 to subscribe.

Olympia Craft Fetish
Olympia is so cool that they have their own website to sell Olympia-made wares! Check out hand-made bags, belts, guitar straps, and wallets made by Queen Bee ($20-$60), as well as Nikki McClure books ($10), and blank notebooks made by Amber Bell ($5-$28).
www.buyolympia.com.

Lipstick
MAC Viva Glam comes in three colors: (1) a very French plain old red; (2) a pale nudie pink; and (3) a deep, dark, chocolatey, gothy red. There's something for everyone, and every single cent of the retail price is used for the MAC AIDS fund, which contributes to the Chicken Soup Brigade. MAC underwrites all manufacturing, distribution, packaging (oh, those phallic, bullet-shaped tubes), and design costs. Collect and return six empty MAC makeup plastic containers for recycling, and receive a free lipstick. Hooray for guilt-free glamour!
Nordstrom or www.maccosmetics.com (compplete with a virtual tour with RuPaul).

Chickens (plus accoutrements)
Don't get this gift for someone unless they really say they want some chickens. (They'll also need a big enough backyard, and they can't have a chicken-eating dog.)
First, build a simple chicken house. Use your imagination, but it needs a wood floor, a perch, and nesting boxes. Two chickens will require a small house--figure five square feet per bird. Cover the floor of the house with straw or wood shavings. You'll need scratch (cracked corn), oyster shells (for their eggs), and layer's mash. Buy all of this and the chickens--this should cost about $30 total--through a reputable feed store, like Kirk's. If you'd like to get rare or exotic breeds of chickens, like a Sultan Bantam, check out the Murray McMurray Hatchery's website at www.mcmurrayhatchery.com.
Kirk's, 908 SW 152nd St, 242-8000.

Rabbit Pearl Super Deluxe Vibrator
This bunny needs no cage and comes in gummi bear pink, the "head" is an actual smiling face with a cute hairdo, it rubs its wily ears at variable speeds and never gets a hand cramp, and a band of rotating pearls at the base acts like a lime slice after a tequila shot. Excellent for menstrual cramps and lower back pain ($72).
Toys in Babeland, 707 E Pike, 328-2914.

Self-Scooping Cat Box
This is a reality. The battery-powered Omega Litter Maid ($199.99 at Petco) senses when the cat has done its business, pauses long enough for the feline's exit, then drags its scooper across the kitty litter, collecting kitty roca and pissballs, a job that nobody misses.
PetCo, 975 NW Gillman Blvd, Issaquah, WA (425) 392-9664.

Film Processing
The perfect gift for that special someone who has a hard time getting her life together enough to drop off her own film, or who's too broke to pick up his pics once he manages to get them developed. Simply steal those dusty rolls of film off said friend's dresser, take them to the nearest Film Stop, then present your lucky lazybones with the photos (still sealed is probably a good policy). Film Stop has quick turnaround (two hours-ish), and can print out photos with a cool, professional-looking border that makes anybody's snaps look brilliant.
Film Stops are in Capitol Hill (617 Broadway E, 322-4086), Queen Anne (508 Third W, 285-2111), and at two downtown locations.

New Prescription Eyeglasses
Seattle Vision Clinic boasts a fantastic window display of never-used vintage frames from $39, and possibly the nicest optometrists and staff. If you are a true friend, you will accompany your nearsighted pal and help select the pair of glasses that looks best.
Seattle Vision Clinic, 677 S Jackson, 623-1100.

Buddha's Hand
The fruit of a citrus plant that grows in the Himalayas, the Buddha's Hand (Citrus Medica var Sarcrodactylus) has long been used in China and Japan for perfuming rooms and clothing. The fruit has five to 20 fingerlike projections, and looks like a human hand. For a photo of what a Buddha's Hand looks like, check out www.saalfelds.freeserve.co.uk/BuddhasHandCitron.htm.
Special order Buddha's hands through Melissa's: 1-800-588-0151, $14 per hand.

Lucky "Work" Belt
For that gambler you love to spoil, fashion them a lucky gambling work belt! First, buy a tool belt or apron at your favorite hardware store (we like Hardwick's and Chubby & Tubby). Get out your sister's glue gun and cover the belt in rich fabric, customize with four-leaf clover appliqués, and attach two playing cards to make a perfect "21" on the front of the belt/apron. Basic "tools of the trade" include the following: a nudie lighter, a pack of smokes, several airplane bottles of booze, a pack of cards, a gambler's cheat sheet, a roll of quarters, and of course, moist towelettes (money is dirty). Then chauffeur your friend over to Freddie's Club or the Drift on Inn Roadhouse Casino.
Hardwick's, 4214 Roosevelt Way NE, 632-1203.
Chubby & Tubby, North End: 7906 Aurora Ave N, 524-1810; South End: 3333 Rainier Ave S, 723-8800.
Freddie's Club, 111 S Third St, Renton, 425-228-0908.
Drift on Inn Roadhouse Casino, 16708 Aurora Ave N, 546-8040.

Hotel room
There's no need to travel to go on vacation. To give the gift of an impromptu getaway (including free soaps, a squeaky-clean bathroom, cable TV, and someone else making the bed), simply book a room for your friend at one of Seattle's many fine lodging establishments. For a dive into Seattle's seedy underbelly, we recommend the Marco Polo on Aurora ($45 double). For that monkish, white cubicle, Euro-isolation-tank feeling, try the Ace Hotel downtown ($75 single).
Marco Polo, 4114 Aurora Ave N, 633-4090.
Ace Hotel, 2425 First Ave, 448-4721.

Housecleaning
Nothing says "I'm broke, but I love you" like the gift of unpleasant manual labor. Give coupons that promise you'll scour kitchen floors, scrub bathrooms, vacuum, and wash windows. Your friends get sparkling homes, you gain greater empathy for full-time members of the lower service industries, everybody wins.

Naked Time, a.k.a. Spa Day
For $15, your friend can spend hours at the saunas, steam rooms, baths, and salt, mud, and sand rooms (all lit with groovy infrared light) of the Olympus Spa in Lakewood. For $35 more, she will be laid, quite naked, upon a table and scrubbed with loofas and sea salt until she is cleaner than God. (Plus, there's delicious Korean food available in the cafe.)
Olympus Women's Health Club, 8615 S Tacoma Way, Lakewood, WA 98499, (253) 588-3355, www.olympusspa.com.

Brazilian Bikini Wax (a.k.a. the Sphinx)
Wax On Spa is one of the few salons to offer the intimate service of total bikini area hair-removal ($45). And it's not just for ladies anymore! Ask for Travis, the Waxing Diva.
Wax On Spa, 521 15th Ave E, 726-8655.

Taxi Script
Just like cash, only easier to save for those moments of crisis or drunkenness. Ten-dollar booklets of $1 coupons can be purchased directly from Yellow Cabs' business office.
Yellow Cabs, 622-7395.

Smokes
Nat Sherman's Natural Cigarettes are wrapped in brown paper and require approximately 15 minutes to smoke. They also come in fantastic party pastels, which look really nice in a pink mother-of-pearl cigarette holder. (Scour antique shops for the perfect holder, preferably one that can cradle long fags and is decorated with a fairy astride a butterfly.)
Available at all of your finer tobacco shops and convenience stores.

Hangover Cure
A case of Go-Go Buzzkill Natural Detox Drink is the perfect gift for your booze-loving, hangover-hating friend. The stuff really works, and features a cute, elfin Japanamation girl on the slender silver can. Just $1.45 for a can blending aloe vera, nettles, caffeine, and a megadose of those much-depleted B vitamins.
Rainbow Grocery, 417 15th E, 329-8440.

Galoshes
Chubby & Tubby offers a range ($12-$49) of rain boots, from shiny, knee-high Wellingtons to weirdly S&M, thigh-high waders, to kids boots so cute that you'll consider surgically removing your toes to fit into them.
Chubby & Tubby, North End: 7906 Aurora Ave N, 524-1810; South End: 3333 Rainier Ave S, 723-8800.