Chrissy Piper
"She Said (Don't Cum in Me)"

by Ray Jr. feat. Erika Kayne

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(YouTube)

You never know what you're going to get from the internet. Sometimes if you look in the right places—Facebook on a weeknight, for example—you find out that songs like this one exist. Yes, you read the subtitle right: The song's chorus features a very flat R&B subdiva belting a lyric that, once heard, is never forgotten: "DON'T CUM IN ME, DON'T CUM IN MAAAYYY/DON'T CUM IN ME, DON'T CUM IN MAAAYYY." There is also a rapper dude whose idea of a boast is that he "pops so many pills, I can fuck for a week," as well as the flatly immortal "love to hear that nookie fart." Thanks for everything, internet.

"Old MacDonald Zulu Style"

by Ladysmith Black Mambazo

(www.soundcloud.com/jbleicher)

Of course, the internet does sometimes provide. (In this case, through a publicist's e-mail.) It's amazing this song hadn't happened already: Who better to extol the virtues of a quack-quack here and a quack-quack there than the world's foremost Zulu a cappella vocal group, who can quack just as well as they can do everything else? They cluck, moo, whinny, snort, and do that tongue-rolling trilling noise they do in every song, as well as announce what they're doing: "It's a chicken!" "A pig." The kicker is the spoken finale: "For all of us in Ladysmith Black Mambazo, we want to thank you for visiting our farm in South Africa."

"You Were Cool"

by the Mountain Goats

(YouTube)

In front of a red curtain, alone with an acoustic guitar, John Darnielle starts this one like a joke: "This is a song with the same four chords I use most of the time/When I've got something on my mind." The audience laughs, and then Darnielle stops them cold with a simple, heartbreaking refrain: "People were mean to you/But I always thought you were cool." This was high school, and however long down the road he is, his narrator offers the kindest thought he can spare: "I hope you love your life like I love mine." It's on YouTube and will apparently stay there: Darnielle offered it up via his Twitter account, calling it "a song I played that someone video'd, and it won't be on the next album." Why on earth not?

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