Naughty nuns, musical Nazis, and uncut Austrian choirboys! My entourage and I attended the gala opening of The Sound of Music at the Paramount Theatre, and though the hills were certainly alive, so much could not be said for leading man Richard Chamberlain. In promotional posters and press photos, the thorny old bird resembles my great-aunt Olive Jane going Mach 8 -- a poreless, waxy, fantasy beast with stenciled eyebrows. But when he steps into the footlights -- well, let's just say SHARPEI. The touring company was either too cheap or too concerned that someone might actually get a close look at baggy old Captain Von Trapp to throw an opening night press party, which was devastatingly disappointing. I had to go home and take a handful of Tylenol PM and two shots of Stoli just to come down. (Confidential to the wretched man in seat D18: If you truly feel it necessary to get so outrageously upset just because someone makes a witty comment about Richard Chamberlain's eyebrows, perhaps you need a REAL problem to provide you with some perspective. May I suggest a brain tumor?)
The godfather of grunge, Art Chantry, has lamentably fled the endless gentrification of our sordid little berg for the decidedly un-ironic kitsch of St. Louis, MO. "Seattle has become a pig fuck," the culture-clashing graphic designer so elegantly elucidated in our recent tête-à-tête. "It's all the same people of the same age with the same haircut and the same screaming kids, driving the same SUVs. And people (in Seattle) have problems with opinions -- and I have a LOT of opinions." Believe me, darling, I relate. The marvelous Mr. Chantry is accredited with over 3,000 posters, 300 album covers, upwards of 5,000 logos, has worked with every sexy underground/grunge band in Seattle (except Nirvana), and -- for the record -- had absolutely nothing to do with Pacific Place Mall. Seattle sheds a tear....
Speaking of sexy rock bands, young and pretty Gabe of the Murder City Devils was spotted emerging from the King County Courthouse last week. The purpose of Gabe's visit could not be ascertained. Indictment for welfare fraud? Man rape? Jaywalking? Courthouse officials weren't talking, and I got much too drunk at the Cha-Cha Lounge to ask the little devil himself.
Speaking of pretty boys, the most adorable boy in Hollywood, Hilary Swank, has received an indecent proposal from Playboy magazine. The new Best Actress and famous Bellingham androgyne has been asked to pose nude in the trashy skin rag -- both as a male and a female! (Presumably Playboy will be using even softer focus and more indirect lighting than usual.) Swank's camp has neither accepted nor declined the offer. Who knew a strap-on and a shag haircut could do so much for one's career?
The former most adorable boy in Hollywood, Macaulay Culkin, was spotted twice in downtown Seattle last week looking very Dana Plato -- thin and pasty, with dark circles under his eyes and nasty, stringy long hair. The good son was reportedly seen at Seventh and Union and again on Fifth and Pike with his barely pubescent girly-bride Rachel Miner (aren't they divorced YET?). Mr. and Mrs. Culkin seemed to be in quite a rush to get somewhere. Perhaps an audition. Best of luck, Mac, best of luck.
I am watching you. Try to be interesting. Send gossip to adrian@thestranger.com
