Oh, Seattle, how I ADORE you! I begged "PLEASE! No more insipid Jenny A./Marky Mark stories--I just can't TAKE IT," and you actually LISTENED! Not only that, you came through with the most sordid and highly detailed gossip IT'S ALL TRUE has seen to date. Let us begin with the RIVETING TALE of the blowjob that NEVER HAPPENED!
Although this tale of libidinous, tantrum-tossing rock stars happened a few weeks ago (VINTAGE, I like to call it), it is just too SCRUMPTIOUS to let sit. According to an inside source, the unbearably sexy lead of an unbearably overexposed band was sharing a cab with two luscious, leggy associates (read: groupies) en route to one of those post-gig orgies. WELL, after a few moments of polite conversation and a little innocent flirting, he began to GROPE AND FONDLE THE GIRLS' LEGS, talk dirty, and request, and I quote, "a free rock 'n' roll blowjob!" Well, when those cab-sharing cutie pies got indignant and DECLINED his request (go figure?), he got all riled up and called the virtuous pair BITCHES! BUT WAIT! It gets BETTER! In a fit of feminist fury and righteous indignation, those girls KICKED the lecherous lead singer and his big blue balls out of the cab, and yelled that he was "the biggest cock-lick" they had ever met! Right on, SISTAAHS! BUT IT DOESN'T END THERE!
After telling the dejected little superstar to FUCK OFF and DRIVING AWAY, the contentious pair began to feel guilty, circled around, and picked the lech back up. BUT! They bitched him out the whole way to the party, and once there, loudly told anyone who would listen what a big fat jerk he was! Now, of course this story is STRICTLY HEARSAY, and a RUMOR, and ALLEGED and all that, but it's what I call some bootay-kickin' gossip!
Our next humiliating piece of trash is proof positive that the only thing friskier than a FRISKY, BLUE-BALLED ROCK STAR is a FRISKY, BLUE-BALLED POLITICIAN! According to a VERY reliable source, '70s politico (and now mayor of Oakland) Jerry Brown was HEAVY on the make for our sweet little Judy Nicastro! Jerry B.--in town last weekend to attend the National Mayor's Conference--(allegedly) went all gaga when he saw Judy's picture on the cover of the Seattle Weekly. When Judy arrived at the Sheraton for a conference luncheon, the randy li'l beast made his move, slickly introduced himself, and tried to spirit her away to discuss "rent issues"! (Yeah, RIGHT!) Well! Those two flirted and cooed and batted their eyes like a couple of teenagers at a church picnic--drinking COORS LIGHT and MARTINIS and eating PIZZA at the Sheraton bar (all on the taxpayers' dime, no doubt) for two whole hours! And when it finally came time for Jerry to vacate town (sniff, sniff), he tried to score a RIDE TO THE AIRPORT with Judy, who DECLINED (a martini hangover, perhaps?). BUT, according to my source, Judy--the coy little minx!--confided that she thought Mayor Brown was a hottie! Imagine!
Yes folks, THAT'S the kind of trash I LOVE! Of course, there is much, much more to tell, but I have maxed out my word count for this issue. You'll all just have to wait until next week!
I am watching you. Try to be interesting. email@example.com.