A reader who is a former employee of Hair Club for Men has recently informed me that you are a Hair Club client and call regularly to make your "floundering" 'do look "more senatorial." She also claims that your Hair Club stylist has tried to convince you to go for a Hillary-esque flip and get away from that "repulsive" purple-black coloring that makes you look like a "fucking koala bear." Would you care to comment?
I waited for a response, but I guess she's really, really busy. So I took the obvious next step.
Dear Senator Slade Gorton,
I have recently received information claiming that your opponent Deborah Senn is a Hair Club for Men client and looks like a "fucking koala bear." Care to comment?
Skeletor must be too fricking good to answer his mail, too. I decided to try my luck with someone a little more approachable.
Dear Dan Devone,
I have received a letter from an It's All True reader claiming that you recently asked a girl on the street for her phone number. You attempted to get her back to your place with offers of drinks and coffee. When she refused, you "blew her off big time," acting quite "full of yourself" and possibly scarring the poor girl for life. Care to comment?
And Dan responds!
Thank you for the opportunity to respond. I recall the woman the e-mail referred to. The bottom line is she had, and may still have, a serious boyfriend. She failed to tell me this after our first conversation, much the same way her friend forgot that piece of information in her e-mail to you. Anyway, I'm in a relationship currently, and things are cool.
Right on Dan! You have earned not only my respect, but my vote for senator. Maybe I would have the same luck with fellow Q13 Q-tie Scott Engler.
Dear Mr. Engler,
I recently received word from an employee of a local import store that you regularly shop at the store and hit on the female employees. According to the informant, you ask them to retrieve chairs from the top shelves and watch them climb up and down the ladder, making comments like... "You have really nice products." He says that you never ask the help of a male employee. Care to comment?
And Mr. Engler responds!
If that's the criteria, the boys at Home Depot must really think I'm attracted to their crew because I've had them on ladders for the past two weeks. Matt at Subway must think I think he's one hot chili pepper, as I always ask for him. It's sad when you have to defend yourself for being friendly. With all due respect to my gender, if I shop for clothes, cologne, or furniture, I'm going to ask for a female's help. I'm a fashion-deficient bachelor--it's my only hope of making a palatable style choice (and I'm still not doing well). Interesting that last week someone was taking a shot at me for "not" hitting on a bar full of pretty women. If I'm attracted to someone, I don't ask them to get me furniture, I ask them to dinner.
Thanks, Scott! Wow, newscasters are swell. You fellas are vindicated in my book.
I am watching you. Try to be interesting. firstname.lastname@example.org.