Life is full of quirky little quotes, isn't it? The above gem comes from the outrageously affected director of the new IKEA commercial starring prima donna John Curley (a guy my predecessor Shirley Rodell-Szyzmyjec once described as someone who "will dance to 'Livin' la Vida Loca' naked on your lawn if you aren't paying enough attention to him"). Filming ran into the wee hours of the morning--far too late for any respectable Starbucks to be open--and John was struck with a ravenous yen for iced coffee. The flustered production assistants went into a tizzy--"But the restaurant is closed, what do we do? Should we send someone out? Does it have to be iced coffee?"--thereby inspiring the director to bellow, "Don't question the coffee! Just GO!" You bet, Mr. DeMille, whatever you say, SIR!

"Just call me Queen Cantwell."

Some people seem to exist in a perpetual state of horniness, stumbling through life trying to stick their peckers into any hole not already filled with gophers. Take Slade Gorton for instance. At a recent political function, Senator Gorton was overheard making a pass at Democratic challenger Maria Cantwell. In an attempt to make her refusal blindingly clear, Maria cupped her crotch, shook her head, and said, "You can call me Queen Cantwell." I still have no idea what the hell that was supposed to mean, but as far as quotes go, it's a definite keeper. The noble Miss Cantwell's camp denies the entire episode. "Slade made no pass at her," says her faithful assistant. "While not married, [Maria] is happily involved in a relationship at the current time. Even if she was on the prowl, I'm sure Slade's not her type--she likes her fish fresh [Gorton's fish sticks? No thank you!] and prefers her men unmarried, thank you very much." Skeletor ignored my request for comment as usual.

"Slade is a wife beater!"

Now THAT comment really got my attention. If I hear the words "wife beater" in the same sentence as "Slade Gorton," my little heart starts racing and I gleefully jump to the worst conclusions. Of course, it is all a terrible lie, and just goes to show you how rumors get started. What the owner of that quote really meant was that Slade WEARS a wife beater. "I was watching that decrepit, ghostly corpse Slade Gorton on the news and I noticed he was wearing a see-through, baby blue dress shirt with (egads!) a wife-beater tank top underneath." For the record, I am not entirely convinced that domestic abuse is truly any worse than a fashion faux pas of that magnitude.

"Do you know who I am?"

For ridiculous pretension, that venerable beauty of a quote towers above all others. Local performer Mark Finley is rumored to have hollered it repeatedly while chewing out the help of Capitol Hill's mailing house Post Options. While Mr. Finley's side of the story (or "hatchet job," according to Post Options) can be read on page 37 of the September 22 Seattle Gay News, the employees at Post Options insist that his behavior was bizarre, unfounded, and "even ruder" than a run-in they once had with Courtney Love. And for the record, they have no clue "who he is."

P.S. Deflowered in the Attic has revived its run at Re-bar. Don't question me--just go. Do you know who I am?

I am watching you. Try to be interesting. Send your dirty dirty dirt to adrian@thestranger.com.