Upon learning that Pearl Jam's newly divorced Eddie Vedder is soon to join the likes of Paul Weller and Noel Gallagher at a star-studded charity concert featuring the Who at London's Royal Albert Hall, I was stricken by a terrifying thought: Eddie Vedder is fucking single, which means that opportunist/homewrecker, scooper-upper of errant husbands and boyfriends, band-ruiner Winona Ryder will soon be sinking her elfin claws into him! After all, Noel Gallagher is newly single too, so she might as well make a sport of the evening, although the catch of the night will no doubt be the sweet-natured Ed. I don't know about the rest of you, but I will surely go out of my freakin' gourd if a song about wily Winona becomes an international hit--as either of these two prospective suitors are capable of producing. I've forgiven Matthew Sweet for his transgression (check out the song about Winona on Girlfriend), but that's only because the song was so dang pretty and he freely admits in it that he doesn't even know her. And as far as ignorance goes, I don't even want to know if there's a Posies song about Winona, although I'd be more than mildly surprised if there wasn't. Anyway, back to the point at hand. Eddie, sweetie: DO NOT BE A CHUMP. Take heed. She's out there, lurking, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. Let that monobrow Noel take the bait. Besides, you've explored just about every kind of music already, so there's nowhere for you to go once she's influenced you. Remember how much fun Soul Asylum used to be, for God's sake? Remember the goddamn Replacements, for crying out loud?! What happened? I'll tell you what happened. Winona Fucking Ryder happened.


Those scamps! Carissa's Wierd keyboard player Jeff Hellis (say it: HELL-YES!) kicked himself some frat-boy ass while moonlighting as a driver for Sunshine, currently touring the U.S. with Tacoma hardcore band Botch. After losing a heated argument with his bimbo, a dumb frat guy decided to take it out on Botch's drummer, Tim, who was minding his own beeswax at the pay phone outside the club. "FUCK YOU!" said dorko as he pointed a finger in Tim's face. Tim slapped the extended digit away and asked, "What's your problem?" Dumbshit then punched Tim in the face, and the bewildered Tim returned to his drunken table--which now included not only Hellis and the rest of Botch, but two members of the Get Up Kids and their roadies. All ran outside, and Botch's Dave Knudsen confronted the idiot (who had then been joined by three of his buddies, but was still no match for the gang of raging rockers). Hellis let fly with a fist to the frat boy's face, and--dogpile! The cops came and hauled away the frat guys and left the musicians to their drinking. But it should be noted that one member of the Get Up Kids, who had been serving Botch attitude all night, stood back and watched while his bandmate gave it his all (emerging with a black eye and a bleeding mouth), but offered no support. Jerk.