Because I mentioned my distaste for Ultimate Frisbee in last week's column, I was offered a guided tour of the Seattle ultimate scene by Manzell Blakeley, who is the chief captain/founder/financier of ALLCAPS, the Ultimate club of Capitol Hill. "Like anyone who plays 'real' Ultimate," he wrote, "we lust for the sport to expand into the consciousness of more and more people via any means necessary."
I was going to write about that gambling junkie Pete Rose, but since you rattled my cage, Manzell, here's some lustful exposure: Ultimate Frisbee (I can just barely write "Ultimate Frisbee" without shitting in disgust) is the single most asinine activity that humans engage in--and I don't need to tour the scene to know that. "Ultimate," as it is referred to by the uncoordinated hippies in wool socks and dirty sandals who play, was first called "Frisbee Football." It was developed in 1968 in New Jersey by an idiot high-school teacher named Joel Silverman, who claimed, "Someday people all over the world will be playing this game." The bastard was right. It's now popular in Japan, Norway, and even France, where it's referred to as "Freedom Frisbee."
Is it a difficult game to play? Only for people who find ticktacktoe difficult. There seems to be anywhere from 10 to 500 people on the field at one time, but most of the participants make no significant impact whatsoever on the outcome. If you aren't one of two people throwing or catching the Frisbee, you're literally running around in circles trying to look busy. To the viewer it looks like a combination between square dancing, mime, and jazzercise. It's an awkward, uninspiring game that is about as thrilling to watch as two Holsteins humping.
If that isn't disturbing enough, the game is "self-refereeing," which means players are responsible for resolving any disputes! When was the last time you or anyone you know successfully resolved a dispute while your adrenaline was spiked? Ultimate Frisbee is, like the pipsqueaks who play it, passive-aggressive. Real team sports are about fighting with your comrades against an invader, not standing around a field engaging in fucking diplomatic negotiations. Sports are meant to create an arena for people to be aggressive without killing each other, so a game that relies on the honesty and good intentions of its players is useless; you might as well join a sewing circle.
