Enough with the hostile e-mails! Have you people been smoking crack? Didn't I make it clear that this column was NOT going to be a typical sports column? If you really need yet another bland perspective on the intricacies of the professional football season, get a subscription to Sports Illustrated. There you'll get clever rhetorical propaganda disguised as statistical analysis, which is merely a conduit through which ticket sales and team merchandise are promoted. That kind of coverage is meaningless unless, like Pete Rose, your income is based on your success in betting on sports. I may be a jock simply because I love athletic competition, but that doesn't mean I collect baseball cards. I mean, who gives a shit what Babe Ruth's number was--the guy is pushing up daisies. And as far as I'm concerned, the amount of time you should spend reading about sports is the amount of time it takes you to read this column--about 30 minutes for some of you, judging by the e-mails. The rest of the time you should be PLAYING sports. Or trying to get laid. Now let's get back to Pete Rose.

Pete Rose is an old donkey baseball player from the '70s and '80s who has recently gained my respect because not only did he admit to betting on his own team--which is a problem only if you're one of the 12 baseball "purists" left in the world who think the outcomes of professional baseball games are not fixed--but he's also refused to really apologize for it (modeling his apology on Bill Clinton's first apology after lying about getting his knob waxed in the Oval Office). And to this day, Rose openly bets on horse races! Good for Pete fucking Rose, godammit! Since when does a guy have to grovel to get admitted into the Hall of Fame? Isn't stealing bases headfirst for all those years good enough?

One more thing: Jock itch isn't so terrible a fungus. It's similar to athlete's foot except it's found on or adjacent to your crotch. It's not a condition you are born with, like being a girl, and it's not something you get from frolicking naked in the woods with girls, like poison ivy. Jock itch thrives in warm, wet conditions, and therefore is confined to the pubic region. If left unattended, like girls, it can start to burn. Can girls get jock itch? You bet! Especially the fun ones.

Here's a pop quiz: Plants can grow, cars can go, there's been some snow, why can't girls throw?