The new movie Miracle, which depicts somewhat truthfully the story of the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team, and which culminates with an almost full-length reenactment of their stunning victory over the Russians, reminded me that everything is going to be just fine. Sure, there are going to be a few troublesome moments--perhaps you've recently had a groin injury, like me, because a hairy fat Neanderthal emptied his sweat glands onto the basketball court and you lost your footing as a result of stepping into the puddle underneath him. But focusing on negative circumstances only makes things worse. And remember, miracles happen! Let me be your guide into the world of miracles, to show you how to find them in your everyday life.

(I should clarify. In everyday life only sports miracles happen, not regular miracles. In fact, I've never seen a regular miracle, except on America's Funniest Home Videos.)

First of all, you can't have a sports miracle without a sports tragedy, so what you're actually looking for is tragedy. That way you can be around in case a miracle should occur as a result of a hideous accident or a fatal diagnosis. Most tragedies, unfortunately, tend to go too far, and make it tough for a miracle to squeeze in and offer solace for the suffering. For instance, if a young soldier in Iraq has a grenade shot through the door of his Hummer into his spine, that is a tragedy. It would be a miracle if he returned from war to start a professional bowling career, but what are the chances the exploding grenade left him any athletic ability?

You might think that war is a good place to look for sports miracles because there are so many soldiers who return with missing limbs, and some go on to achieve miraculous athletic grace. But the percentages aren't high. War is the best place to look for tragedy, but because of all the death that happens, it's not the best place to look for sports miracles.

Miracles! Miracles! God's grace in your face!

People insist that Lance Armstrong's success is a sports miracle. He's won the Tour de France five times even after losing one of his nuts to cancer. I suppose that could be considered a sports miracle. Kind of boring, though; lots of guys have an odd number of testicles. Some even have three or four depending on which nuclear waste dump their homes were built upon. I myself have seven.

jockitch@thestranger.com