Are you sitting on the edge of your seat? Synchronized swimming! Judo! Archery! Sexilicious women's wrestling! That's right, it's the OLYMPIC GAMES! Again. This time they are taking place in the inept Greek city of Athens, where there is a manic flurry of activity taking place because they are WAY behind schedule to complete the $250 million Olympic stadium before the opening ceremonies on August 13. Maybe it's time the Athenians put down their wine and falafel and got some work done!

At this point, the International Olympic Committee undoubtedly wishes it had chosen ANY OTHER TOWN ON EARTH to host the Olympics. Here's what the president of the Athens Olympic committee, Gianna Angelopoulos-Daskalaki, said recently in response to the catastrophe:

"We have to be ready on opening day."

No shitus Sherlockopopoulos!

Being half Greek myself (Greek and Japanese), I find it humiliating. You'd think the descendents of the people who invented the Olympics would have jumped at the chance to show the world their capabilities. But after being chosen to host the Olympics way back in 1997, Athens squandered more than three years bickering over which companies would receive the lucrative building contracts.

I guess you can't expect much from the Greeks, who, after all, are responsible for creating this pathetic Western civilization. I was visiting my Greek grandma in prison recently, and I go, "Grandma, guess what? The Olympic Games are taking place on the moon."

And she's like, "Are you yankin' my wanky?"

And I'm like, "Grandma, I'm a sports columnist! I know these things. Did you compete in the Olympics, Grandma?"

She's so dumb, she's like, "Sure did! I won a bronze medal in Frisbee."

In the ancient Olympics, only free men, not women or slaves, competed in events like running, jumping, and walking. Sounds kind of lame, unless you compare it to badminton. And what would the ancient Greeks think of the synchronized swimming competition? Christ! What's next, Olympic cheerleading? Actually that doesn't sound so bad. It's hard to sexualize female athletes, what with all the manly attributes that come with steroid use. When they just jump around in short skirts screaming it's a lot easier.