Everyone needs to just re-fucking-LAX! Yes, the Los Angeles Lakers did indeed beat the hell out of the Houston Rockets, and yes, I predicted that the Lakers would actually lose the series. But, if you placed bets based on what I predicted before I accepted Christ into my heart, then you're just stupid. What kind of moron would bet against the Lakers in the first round?

There may be other teams playing for the championship, including some useless teams from the Eastern Conference, but the only two teams that matter are the only two teams that have won a championship since Michael Jordan left the Bulls. The Lakers and the Spurs. Whoever wins this series will win another championship.

Let me make this very clear: Starting now I take full responsibility for everything I say, and I'm convinced that the Lakers will lose to the Spurs in six games. You can bet on it. Why am I so confident? It's called the Power of Prayer, and I'm tuned in, baby! I've got Christ on my side, and Christ never lets you down. If you pray hard enough, which means you have to sweat, grimace, grind your teeth, and jam your knees into the floor, then Christ hears you and grants your wishes.

Christ is my last hope, since the evil power of the Lakers seems unstoppable. I tried Buddha, but he doesn't give a shit who wins or loses and is intolerably forgiving, while Christ seems more willing to enact vengeance. The Lakers are an angry beast crouched in the bushes waiting to attack, and the Spurs have just started yanking on its tail. Christ's wrath is the cage of justice that will incapacitate and humiliate the beast.

You nonbelievers probably want some good scientific analysis before you're willing to bet your money based on what I say, so here it is: The Lakers will lose because the Lakers are a rock 'n' roll team and rock 'n' roll is a product of the devil. The Spurs are a tidy, God-fearing, pussy-whipped team. Tony Parker is a fairy with tiny wings hidden under his jersey, and when's the last time you saw Tim Duncan throw a punch? He's an angel, for Christ's sake! The Lakers on the other hand have an alleged rapist (Kobe), a rapper (Shaq), a Mormon (Malone), and a player who looks like a greasy-haired homo (Fox), and they should all burn in hell.

jockitch@thestranger.com