Pay attention class, there's a lot of suckage to cover and we're going to move quickly.
According to Paul, Jock Itch's resident macrocephalic baseball statistician, Edgar Martinez of the Mariners recently hit his 300th career homer during a game against the Minnesota Twins, becoming the sixth player since 1900 with 300 or more homers, and nobody in the stands even cheered for him. "They didn't know," Martinez said after the game. What he meant to say was, "The fans suck."
The Spurs suck! They were stripped of their dignity like prisoners at the L.A. Lakers franchise of Abu Ghraib. I stripped the Jesus fish off my bumper immediately after game five, which ended when Derek Fisher stripped the Spurs of their one-point lead by tossing up a jump shot with four-tenths of a second left on the clock and winning the game. Stunned? Apparently not. The Spurs made no significant changes to their game plan and were thus rightfully stripped of their championship title in a pathetic game six..
The Iraqi soccer team, whose players were brutalized under the regime of Saddam Hussein, recently qualified for the Olympics with a 3-1 victory over Saudi Arabia. No suckage there. What sucks are the fuckin' stupid dignitaries and celebrities who take part in the tradition of carrying the Olympic torch from town to town.
The International Olympic Committee inspectors gave Athens the thumbs-up because they are finally starting to put the roof on the Olympic stadium. "We had our doubts," Denis Oswald, the chief IOC inspector said, "but now these doubts have all but disappeared." Disappeared? Perhaps the roof of the stadium will be duct taped together in time for the opening ceremonies, but the terrorists will most likely blow it right off.
Finally, Nate Johnson and Jordan Malloch, two Seattle hippies, qualified for the U.S. Olympic sprint canoe team. They will paddle spastically in the 500-meter doubles sprint canoe race in Athens. Unfortunately, their coach, Dave Fort of the Seattle Canoe Club, doesn't think they'll win a gold medal. "The rest of the world is incredibly fast," he said. Thanks for the confidence, coach. You suck!
