I vowed not to watch the final NBA championship series between the Lakers and the Pistons, because for normal people like me (meaning I don't vote, I don't recycle, and I don't give a shit about the elderly) watching the Lakers win is bad for the brain. It's reverse meditation, or what health professionals refer to as Rapid Noodle Disorder. RND occurs when you watch something horrible happen even though you're unable or unwilling to do anything about it, and as a result your noodle explodes. Symptoms include: the voices in your head all humming the Rocky theme at the same time, runny ears, and of course violent, textured diarrhea. I'm not saying I have a God complex, or that I speak directly to God, but every time I watch the Lakers play, they win. When I don't watch them play, they lose. I have this power.
But there are few disappointments worse then being unable to artfully expound on the humiliation that the Lakers suffered, since my only knowledge of game three, in which the Pistons beat them by 20 points, is from watching the seven-second highlight clips replayed over and over on ESPN the next day. I'm stuck making a tough choice: watch the whole game and suffer another bout of RND; don't watch the game and miss the chance to see Kobe with that desperate look on his face, thinking, "HOW did Michael Jordan DO this?!"
Before I make that decision I just want to take a timeout here and speak directly to God, or "pray," as it is often termed by the religious. "Dear God, I'm going to personally stick a jalapeño up your butt for the way you've been treating Gary Payton lately. Did you blind him? The way you treat me is understandable since I've destroyed so many of your beautiful earthly creatures, but to blind Gary Payton? Why can't he score anymore? He's not a true member of the evil menace that is the Lakers, but I guess you wouldn't know that since you've been spending so much energy trying to shelter Marion Jones from allegations of steroid use. Crippling Karl Malone, on the other hand, THAT is certainly justified."
