AN OBVIOUSLY INFATUATED I Love Television™ fan, Rachel, writes: "Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me. Could you settle something? What the hell is Blair's 'Don't call her handicapped' cousin's name on The Facts of Life? I think it's 'Geri,' but my sister thinks her name was Claire. I told her Claire's a fat girl's name and that she's thinking of The Breakfast Club. To show her disapproval, my stupid sister leapt from our Thanksgiving feast in an attempt to slap me with a cranberry mold. I'm right, aren't I? Because if I am I get to smack her with a crescent roll. You're the best, and the smartest! Kisses! Rachel."

Dear Rachel: Well, let's put it this way. You're right about some things and so very wrong about others. Let's start with the wrong stuff. "Claire's a FAT girl's name"?? Now, I have said some pretty mean things in my life (like the time I compared Sandra Bullock to a horse who knows how to use mustache bleach. My lawyers are still trying to pull my ass out of that particular sling). However! Saying that "Claire's a fat girl's name" ranks right up there with the bombing of our beloved Pearl Harbor. Besides, are you saying that Molly Ringwald (who played Claire in The Breakfast Club) is FAT? Do you really think Judd Nelson (in his brilliant role of Bender) would EVER kiss a fat girl? I REST MY CASE.

Secondly, why so violent? Your Thanksgiving dinners sound like a goddam WTO protest! (Speaking of which, can I say that my office STILL stinks of tear gas? Thanks a bunch, PIGS.) Anyway, if you don't mind me saying so, maybe you and sis should consider getting the advice of a good family counselor rather than a sexy TV columnist -- after all, you don't want to end up like the third Judd sister, Talulah, who as you know was smothered in her sleep by siblings Ashley and Winona.

Okay! On to your main question: "Was the character who played Blair's 'Don't call her handicapped' cousin named Geri?" Well, Rachel, though you may be wrong on so many moral levels, when it comes to TV trivia, you are dead-on RIGHT. Blair's handi... umm... physically inconvenienced cousin was Geri Tyler, played by real-life comedienne with real-life cerebral palsy, Geri Jewell. You may remember Geri Jewell from... okay, you probably don't remember Geri Jewell. However, she was featured in nine episodes of Facts, whose storylines usually revolved around how people with cerebral palsy are "just like you and me," except they don't usually try to brain their sisters with cranberry molds.

Actually, that was the thing I really used to hate about The Facts of Life -- how they would always louse up a perfectly good sitcom with stupid, obvious morals about how "kids shouldn't take heroin," or "cheating in school is bad," or "everybody should be nice to each other." ZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!! SNORE!!! ZZZZZZZZZ!!! Hey, if I want lessons in how a civil society should act, I'll take the Seattle Police Department's "Tear-Gassing the Residential Neighborhoods" class.

On the upside, The Facts of Life was a veritable springboard for the careers of a host of mediocre actors. Here are just a few fancy-pants celebs who got their starts as low-paid Facts hacks: Helen "Mad about You" Hunt, Mayim "Blossom" Bialik, Juliette "Natural Born Killers" Lewis, Richard Dean "MacGyver" Anderson, Richard "21 Jump Street" Grieco, George "E.R." Clooney -- and even Molly "Fat Claire" Ringwald!

So, while you may have won this particular bet, Rachel, if I were you, I would reconsider collecting. Though smacking your sister with "a crescent roll" may feel justified at first, revenge is a dessert with a bitter finish (like the time I made my cousin Chet sit in a puddle of my own pee -- though he deserved it, I still feel bad). Celebrate your victory with humility and grace; it is here you will find your sister's love, not in the temporary visceral pleasures of the crescent roll. (Sniff! Wow, I'm actually getting misty-eyed... waitasecond... that's the tear gas! FAWKING PIGS!!!)