MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 15 This week of Scottish democracy, Twitter-based crime-busting, and the technologically reanimated corpse of Joan Rivers kicks off in Ohio, with a horrifying home-invasion-gone-wrong story for the ages. Our setting: Galloway, where early yesterday morning, Heather Tackett was awakened by suspicious noises in her home, after which she grabbed her handgun and went to investigate. In her living room, NBC reports, Tackett "saw a figure armed with a knife and wearing an 'Insane Clown Posse' clown mask" and soon after fired her weapon, shooting the ICP-masked figure in the lower shoulder. As the Columbus Dispatch reports, the shot clown—identified as 17-year-old Reb Barbee—and his three friends, who'd allegedly helped execute the break-in, then ran the half-mile back to Barbee's home, where one of Barbee's friends called 911 for help about an hour later. After being rushed to the hospital, Barbee was yesterday pronounced dead, and today, his friends—18-year-old Adam Pickens and 17-year-old Brandon J. Hamilton and Tyler R. Blazer—are facing charges of complicity to aggravated burglary and delinquency counts of murder. "If they would have got him help, we wouldn't be talking about murder charges," Franklin County sheriff Zach Scott will tell the Columbus Dispatch. As for homeowner Heather Tackett: Hours after the shooting, she learned she knew the kid she'd fatally shot, who'd once been a close friend of her son, whom she'd fed dinner and who'd stayed overnight in her home. "I am devastated," said Tackett to the Columbus Dispatch. "I really liked that kid."

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16 In eventually better news, the week continues in Philadelphia, where last week two men—one 27, one 28—were walking down the street when they were approached by a group of people, some male, some female, all clean-cut and strangers to the men. "The group approached and, according to police, 'made disparaging remarks about [the men's] sexual orientation,'" reports Philadelphia's ABC Action News. "The group then pounced, with some of the suspects holding the victims while others punched them in the face, head, and chest." During the alleged assault, one of the victims dropped a bag containing a cell phone, wallet, and credit cards, which was reportedly snatched up and carried off by one of the alleged attackers. As for the victims: "Both were taken to the hospital with multiple injuries. Police say one victim was treated for fractures and deep lacerations to his face requiring surgery. His jaw has been wired shut." But out of this swamp of crappy humanity arose an opportunity for exceptional citizenship, as demonstrated by Twitter user fansince09, who channeled his disgust over the attack into a multimedia campaign to help police find the perpetrators. Key among fansince09's achievements: using police-released surveillance video (which he forwarded to his thousands of followers) to track down suspected parties via Facebook photos and social-media "check-ins." "Fansince09 got a shout-out on Twitter from police for his detective work," reports ABC. "Action News has learned that several suspects, being sought after an attack on two gay men in the Center City Philadelphia area, are expected to surrender to police." On Thursday, Philadelphia church officials will announce the resignation of an assistant coach at a Roman Catholic high school over his alleged role in the attack.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 Meanwhile in Everett, the week continues with the most upsetting story about an optometrist you'll hear all year. As KIRO reports, the saga commenced back on August 20, when an Everett father took his 10-year-old daughter to John O'Brien, a local optometrist. "During the initial examination, the father was in the room with his daughter," reports KIRO. "Both returned to the waiting room and waited 15 minutes for a follow-up exam. When the daughter was called, the father was told he wasn't needed and should wait." Once the optometrist had the girl alone in the exam room, police say he sexually assaulted her, then took photos of her naked with his cell phone. "Investigators said the daughter didn't tell her father what happened, but told her mother when she got home," reports KIRO. "The daughter was taken to a local hospital where a nurse administered a forensic examination and called 911." Upon searching O'Brien's phone, authorities "found pictures consistent with the girl's version of the incident," and yesterday O'Brien was arrested and booked into the Snohomish County Jail on charges of first-degree child molestation, sexual exploitation of a minor, and possession of depictions of a minor engaged in sexually explicit conduct. "Police said additional search warrants are being served and detectives believe there may be more victims," reports KIRO.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 Nothing happened today, unless you count the 2014 Scottish independence referendum, wherein the citizenry of Scotland, after decades of rumblings about breaking from the UK, today voted yes or no on the question "Should Scotland be an independent country?" A simple majority was required for the bill to pass, 55.3 percent of voters voted "No," and it's back to normality for Scotland.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 The week continues with the aforementioned reanimated corpse of Joan Rivers, who today rose from the grave to publish a Facebook status update declaring her love for Apple's iPhone 6. "This badass is being replaced by an iPhone 6 (not the fat one)," posted the two-weeks-dead comedienne to Facebook this morning, alongside a pic of her current phone. "I got this one in 2010, and after 4 years, my only complaint is that apps are now designed for bigger screens, and the battery is getting tired. Never had a case for it, since it was most beautiful on its own. Great achievement in design. Great product. #apple #iPhone." As TMZ crows, Rivers's postmortem post was "clearly the result of a pre-negotiated deal with Apple"; whatever the case, it was promptly deleted. RIP for real, Joan Rivers.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 We continue with the week's mandatory Mars Hill update, with the ongoing collapse of the culty empire built by Pastor Mark Driscoll hastened today by the abrupt resignation of the top-tier "executive elder" Sutton Turner. As Last Days' fellow Mars Hill obsessive Joel Connelly writes at Seattlepi.com, "Turner was one of three people, including embattled Senior Pastor Mark Driscoll, who directed the church." Now Turner's gone, Driscoll's on a pastoral hiatus, and who knows what's up with the third member of Mars Hill's managerial trinity, so let's enjoy another couple sentences from Connelly: "Nine Mars Hill pastors recently signed an internal letter urging that Driscoll relinquish all roles in church administration. Eight have been laid off or fired."

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 The week ends, we're sorry to report, with some terrible news from the start of the week, when a 43-year-old man walking his dog in Kirkland was fatally struck by a car. As KIRO reported, the driver was making a left turn and told police she never saw the pedestrian, who landed 40 feet from the residential crosswalk he was using legally. KIRO also put a name to the man: Kyle Warnick, husband, father, and beloved brother of beloved Seattle musician Kim Warnick. "Warnick's death sent shock waves through his community," reports KIRO. "As grief-stricken families placed flowers and prayers for him, KIRO 7 heard about an extraordinary man, deeply loved by everyone he knew... They describe Warnick as a 'bigger than life storyteller,' a former Cub Scout leader, who was known for his sense of humor and generosity with his time." Huge condolences to all who knew and loved Kyle Warnick, one of whom wanted to make sure Last Days passed along the fact that Zuzu, Kyle's dog, who was with him in the crosswalk, survived. If you'd like to help Kyle's wife and kids through this time and beyond, visit caringbridge.org/visit/kylewarnick.

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