The week kicks off with a tale of protest art and poverty from the mean streets of downtown Seattle. The story comes from Hot Tipper Dana, who was lurking around the southbound Aurora-to-Denny off-ramp when she spotted a graffiti artist tagging the back of the nearby Starbucks. And while Dana failed to specify the content of the artsy vandalism, she was meticulous in recounting the tagger's post-paint activity, which consisted of tossing his spray can into his backpack, jaywalking through the traffic on the off-ramp, and positioning himself on the left side of the street with a sign reading "Homeless Veteran, Need Help, God Bless." "Although I was in favor of his artistic expression," Dana writes, "I did not donate any money to further his cause."
>>In other dull news: On this day in 1809, Robert Fulton patented the steamboat.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 12
What's up with gay British men? Hot on the heels of the goat-poking homo from Hull comes today's tale of the two British gents whose crack-smoking, mile-high love has the power to summon jets. The saga began last Friday, on an American Airlines flight from Heathrow to JFK, when passengers noticed two men "acting strangely," retreating to the plane's bathroom together "four or five times." Concerned passengers alerted flight attendants, flight attendants alerted the pilot, and the pilot radioed ahead to New York, requesting that local authorities meet the shifty pair upon arrival. This request was picked up by Air Force radio operators, who promptly dispatched two F-16 fighter jets to escort the airliner to land. On the ground, the two men were met by New York police, customs officers, and Federal Aviation Administration officials, to whom they immediately confessed that they had been visiting the plane's bathroom together to smoke crack and have sex. Finding no drugs on the men, authorities immediately placed the sexy crackheads on a return flight to Britain, and today every news source in the world had a field day reporting the case of the crack-smoking fags, with top headline honors going to the Birmingham Post's "JET GAY DAY ENDS WITH MAYDAY"
>>Also today, Last Days had the pleasure of hearing for the first time the Moldy Peaches, whose self-titled debut record is as beautiful and brilliant as their name is stupid.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 13
Sometimes these columns seem to write themselves: Today in Galveston, Texas, a 54-year-old man was found guilty of aggravated assault for shooting his girlfriend because he thought she was about to say the words "New Jersey." Reuters offered details on the trial of Thomas Mitchell, who has a history of mental illness and claims to be driven into uncontrollable rages by the words "New Jersey," "Wisconsin," "Snickers," and "Mars Bar." Mitchell was charged with shooting girlfriend Barbara Jenkins three times on March 19, 1999, when he believed she was about to utter the phrase "New Jersey"; in a goofy twist, Jenkins survived the shooting but died of unrelated causes days before the trial began. Throughout the three-day trial, during which Thomas Mitchell covered his ears whenever he thought the forbidden words were about to be spoken, lawyer Maria Mercado sought to exonerate Mitchell on psychological grounds. But despite the testimony of Mitchell's daughter, who confessed that her father had once gone through her cupboards, throwing away all items he believed to be from New Jersey, the jury decided Mitchell was troubled, not insane, and handed down a guilty verdict. Last Days is loath to denigrate the American justice system, but we must disagree with the jury on this one. Thomas Mitchell is obviously insane, as any lucid person knows that the world's worst words are suckle, moist, and luncheon.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14
Today was Valentine's Day, one of three national holidays specifically designed to make single people feel like shit. To commemorate this vaguely icky (even for the coupled) day, Last Days offers a more-than-vaguely-icky public grooming sighting. Today's transgression was witnessed by Hot Tipper Ethan, who was waiting for the bus across from Seattle Central Community College ("Time magazine's College of the Year!!!!!!") when he saw a sight to singe his eyeballs. "A middle-aged woman pulled up to the red light in a red Land Rover and proceeded to take out a pair of silver tweezers and pluck a hair from her chin." The plucky lady carefully placed the hair on her steering wheel, resting it just above the horn, then went in for another pluck. "While I recoiled in disgust, I noticed what appeared to be her 'steering wheel plucked chin-hair collection,'" Ethan reports, before offering the final word on the subject: "Ugh."
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 15
What part of "neigh" don't you understand? British homosexuals aren't the only ones getting freaky with beasts: This week in California, a four-year-old horse kicked a 34-year-old homeless man in the face after the randy transient allegedly made love to the young filly in a private stable at South Bay's Rolling Hills Estates. Today South Bay's Daily Breeze dished the dirt on the latest beast banger, identified as Kevin Bryant, a homeless man neighbors claim to have seen hanging out at a nearby apartment building before being caught with his pants down behind the aforementioned filly. Bryant's sexy love motions were witnessed by maintenance worker Michael Marshall, who alerted the authorities, then returned to the barn to find Kevin Bryant staggering around and bleeding profusely from his face. Local deputies soon arrived and took Bryant to Torrance Memorial Medical Center, where he received treatment for facial injuries and police citations for trespassing, public drunkenness, and sexual assault of an animal.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 16
Speaking of twisted freaks: Miss Cleo's getting busted by the Feds! Describing the faux-Jamaican's psychic hotline as "permeated with fraud," the Federal Trade Commission has filed a lawsuit accusing the service of "rampant deception," and announced its desire to shut down both Access Resource Services Inc. and Psychic Readers Network, the two Fort Lauderdale companies behind Miss Cleo's psychic stranglehold on the nation. This is hardly the Cleo corporation's first brush with the law: The Associated Press reports that no less than eight states have sued Cleo's parent companies for a variety of misdeeds, including false promises of free psychic readings, tricky billing tactics, and unrelenting and abusive telemarketing calls. (Last Days' favorite: The automated messages informing former callers--sometimes 10 times a day--that Miss Cleo had a dream about them and they should "call right away!") The Feds aren't the only ones itching to bring Miss Cleo down: Florida authorities are pursuing a separate lawsuit against Miss Cleo herself, challenging Cleo (a.k.a. Youree Dell Harris) to prove that she really is a renowned shaman from Jamaica. Considering that Ms. Harris, a once-local actress who performed at a variety of Seattle theaters in the 1990s, is about as Jamaican as Greg Nickels, Miss Cleo and her parent companies better ditch the power of the tarot for the power of the high-priced attorney.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17
The week ends with a bushel of birthday wishes for the greatest magazine known to man (sorry, Maxim!), The New Yorker, whose debut issue was published 77 years ago today. Here's to 77 more years of literate profiles, brilliant reviews, and cartoons about the psychic life of cats.
Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.
