She's old, she's crippled, and she's loaded with Ecstasy: The week begins with the story of Stella Michetti, the 81-year-old woman in a wheelchair arrested at Miami International Airport after smuggling nearly 10,000 Ecstasy tablets into the U.S. on a British Airways flight last week. Today Reuters dished the dirt on the dope-loaded granny, who was apprehended along with her 56-year-old boyfriend after a routine luggage x-ray revealed 9,931 illegal happy pills in her suitcase. Upon her arrest, Ms. Michetti told U.S. Customs inspectors she knew the pills were hidden in her luggage but thought they were Viagra. Upon discovering that the owner of the contraband was an elderly cripple, Customs inspectors told reporters, "We were surprised."

··Speaking of surprises: During a comedy routine tonight in New York City, talk show queen Rosie O'Donnell announced that she is a lesbian, surprising no one.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 26

British Airways isn't the only airline transporting fascinating criminals: Today the South African Sun reported the story of Dumisani Shabangu, the 25-year-old off-duty steward for South African Airways arrested last week after raising nine kinds of Hell on a flight from Bangkok and Johannesburg. Shabangu's criminal extravaganza began right after takeoff, when he crept to the rear of the darkened aircraft and chugged countless mini bottles of gin, brandy, and vodka. After tanking up, Shabangu staggered his way up the aisle, boisterously introducing himself to passengers--several of whom claim to have been showered with Shabangu's spit--before forcing himself on a Chinese woman and kissing her. Thus commenced the Shabangu rodeo, with five male passengers, including a policeman, the plane's first officer, and the pilot, struggling to subdue the drunken lust puppet, eventually cuffing his hands behind his back and placing him face down on the floor. But a few minutes later he was up again, racing down the aisle spewing cuss words and biting several passengers on the arms and hands. (Shabangu also attempted to open one of the aircraft's doors, promptly sending a number of his fellow passengers into hysterics.) At long last the drunken off-duty steward was subdued for good, his wrists and ankles bound in cuffs, his body wrapped in seat belts. Upon landing, Shabangu was charged with threatening the safety of airline passengers and suspended from his job. If convicted, Shabangu faces serious jail time, but that's not enough to satisfy some of his victims. Said one passenger, trapped on the Shabangu Express with his wife and two children: "I just want to smash his lips against his teeth."

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 27

Earlier this week, police in Moore Haven, Florida received a tip that a family in rural Glades County was keeping a child's casket in their living room. Curious about the Bonney-Watson décor, police paid a visit to the isolated farm, and found a 53-year-old man living with his sister and their 13 children and grandchildren. Reuters reports that the couple may have exhumed the body of their infant son from a grave in nearby Okeechobee County 12 years ago, keeping the remains in a pine box in the living room. As for the 13 living children, investigators believe they were delivered and schooled at home, and described the inbred-packed house as orderly, and the children as disciplined and blessed with the requisite number of arms and legs. No charges have been filed against the couple for exhuming their son (the statute of limitations has run out), but police have filed a single charge of incest against Uncle Dad.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 28

During his opening monologue last Thursday, Tonight Show host Jay Leno quipped that Korean speed skater Kim Dong-Sung was so angry at being disqualified he went home and kicked his dog--then ate it. Today South Koreans of all stripes exploded with indignation over Leno's low blow, with no less than former prime minister/current opposition party leader Kim Jong-Pil calling Leno an "ignorant son-of-a-bitch." "It is repulsive to talk about another country in such a foul manner," said Kim Jong-Pil. "It is not right that such a man without any common decency should host a TV program." NBC has issued a comment defending the "irreverent comedy" of its host and insisting that no offense was intended.

FRIDAY, MARCH 1

Today brings the fascinating story of James Rogers, the landlord/insurance salesman in Gibsonburg, Ohio who secretly videotaped hundreds of people using the bathroom in their apartments and at his insurance office. The Associated Press reports that police were tipped off to Gibson's pervy deeds by a tenant who found a suspicious hole in the ceiling of his apartment (one of four Rogers owns); in at least two other cases, Rogers had disguised video cameras to look like smoke alarms. While searching Rogers' apartment in January, investigators found piles of incriminating videocassettes. In a singular display of decency, Rogers responded to the search by retreating to another room and blowing his head off.

SATURDAY, MARCH 2

As faithful readers know, few things make Last Days happier than the ongoing saga of the faux-Jamaican TV psychic Miss Cleo. Well, today we were escorted to Miss Cleo heaven by D. Parvaz, the Seattle P-I writer whose juicy Cleo exposé dished some deep, rich dirt on the actress/playwright, who left Seattle "with a trail of debts and broken promises." Delving deeper into Cleo's Northwest connections than any writer before her, Parvaz paints a portrait of a con artist extraordinaire, a woman with more pseudonyms than Satan (from Ree Perris to Cleomili Perris Youree) who deceived, robbed, and exploited others by feigning such sympathy-inducing illnesses as bone cancer and sickle cell anemia. In Seattle, Perris/Youree/Cleo's exploits seem to have been centered around the Langston Hughes Cultural Arts Center, which hired the extremely non-Jamaican Los Angeles native to write and produce three plays in 1997 (including one in which the actress played a Jamaican woman named Cleo). Parvaz reports that Ree Perris received a budget to pay the cast and crew of her plays, but only a few people were even partially paid, instead receiving promises of future payment after Perris took care of the medical expenses incurred because of her bone cancer. When Ree Perris fled Seattle with her debts unpaid, the Langston Hughes Center declined to press charges, but thankfully the Feds picked up where Seattle left off, charging the shifty shaman with fraud last week. (Confidential to Miss Cleo: You'd better start making some deals with whatever God you're pretending to worship this month, because your soul is dirtier than the bathrooms at Graceland.)

SUNDAY, MARCH 3

Last week, Last Days swore off reporting any more incidents of ghastly public grooming until 2003. Today the Washington Post took up our discarded torch, reporting the "shocking" increase in the use of dental floss, portable curling irons, and toenail clippers on the city's buses. And while Last Days enjoyed the Post's lightweight nod to the public grooming underworld, nothing they reported could compare with our 1999 Hot Tip about the overweight, shirtless man in Portland who sat sweating in the sun, calmly collecting his perspiration with a spoon and eating it.

Saskia: You are very welcome. Everyone else: Send Hot Tips. lastdays@thestranger.com.