David Schmader is on vacation.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 This week of fleeced corpses, rape heroes, and unlikely bullies kicks off in Wisconsin, where today a Green Bay cemetery worker was charged with criminal theft after allegedly swiping a $2,000 cream-colored Fender guitar from the atrophied clutches of a dead army veteran. Details come from court documents and the Smoking Gun, which reports that Steven Conard, an undertaker for the Allouez Catholic Cemetery, first came in contact with his alleged victim—the corpse formerly known as Randall Jourdan—when Jourdan was brought in for burial with his prized Fender guitar in (cold, dead) hand. Upon seeing the guitar in Jourdan's casket, 39-year-old Conard reportedly told a coworker, "I have to have that guitar. It's too expensive to be in a crypt." Lest you think that corpse-robbing is a victimless crime, Jourdan's obituary noted that the 67-year-old grandfather of 29 "liked to play guitar and watch baseball"—and, premortem, had "told everyone he wanted to be buried with the guitar... his pride and joy." Fast-forward a few hours: Conard allegedly excused himself from another funeral to get some cigarettes and "an item for a baby burial," and before Jourdan could be buried for an eternity's worth of "Stairway to Heaven" solos, the guitar disappeared. Conard initially denied knowing the instrument's whereabouts. When pressed, however, he reportedly admitted to Green Bay police that the guitar was indeed lying in plain sight on his living room floor. "This isn't something I normally do," Conard allegedly told police. "I just have an appreciation for fine musical instruments."

••In blessedly corpse-free news, a Canadian gunman who entered a Quebec elementary school last April with a loaded .22 rifle, 100 rounds of ammunition, and a hunting knife explained to a Canadian court today that he simply "wanted to tell the children that bullying is wrong," reports Canada.com. Rock Dagenais pleaded guilty to weapons charges and forcible confinement but insisted that after the (unprompted) weapons-laden pep talk, he planned on killing only himself. Dagenais then broke down in court, telling his terrorized victims, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for the wrong I've done. I don't know what else to say." Condolences to all.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 Today in domestic violence, affirmative action edition, the Daily Iowan reports that a 28-year-old Iowa City mother remains in custody after allegedly beating up her boyfriend because "he would not have sex with her." As the suspect reportedly explained to Iowa City police, "All I want is a piece of ass, is that too much to ask for?" The police report notes that she, who smelled strongly of alcohol when she was arrested Monday night, and that she also "ripped the storm [drain] off the house"—presumably because it wouldn't have sex with her, either.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28 Today the FBI launched a new campaign to find the killer of assistant US attorney and gun-control advocate Thomas C. Wales, who one decade ago was shot through a basement window of his Queen Anne home as he sat working at his computer. Despite the offer of a $1 million reward, no one has ever been arrested in connection with his murder. At a downtown Seattle press conference kicking off the new campaign, US attorney general Eric Holder said the Justice Department will never give up on the case, and Wales's two grown children made an emotional appeal for new leads from the public. "There are people out there who know who killed you," said Wales's daughter Amy in a touching public statement addressed in part to her deceased father. "They know the person or persons who conspired to take your life, but they are fearful to share information. So I will do for them what you would do for them, if you could: I will offer to carry their fear and their burden. I will model the fearlessness you taught me: the certainty you gave me in knowing when I could and should do the right thing. If they can summon the courage, I will promise to advocate for their safe harbor. And when they come forward, they will know me by my gratitude and my compassion." There are three ways to contact the FBI with tips related to Wales's murder: Call 800-CALL-FBI, e-mail walestips@ic.fbi.gov, or send a letter to PO Box 2755, Seattle, WA 98111.

••In quick and dirty happy endings: An ex-marine thwarted a would-be rape in Queens, New York, today while on his way to school. The hero, 31-year-old Bryan Teichman, told NY DailyNews.com that when he saw a man chase and catch a woman, and then throw her over a nearby fence, he "knew it wasn't play." So he followed the couple and "screamed, you know, some profanities, but basically: 'Get off her!'"

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 Today in crimes against good taste, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals pressed forward on a new ad mocking the survivor of a shark attack. The facts: Charles Wickersham, 21, was spearfishing in the Gulf of Mexico on September 24 when a bull shark nearly bit his leg off. The PETA ad: A shark with a bloodied human leg hanging out of its jaws, along with the words "Payback Is Hell. Go Vegan." "We hope that after experiencing such pain and fear, [Wickersham] will consider the fact that fish feel the same pain and fear when they're hunted," PETA spokeswoman Ashley Byrne explained in a press statement. "We hope that he'll find a nonviolent hobby." PETA-approved hobbies include mocking other victims of animal attacks.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 Meanwhile in crimes against good sense, cops in Brooklyn, New York, are responding to 10 unsolved sexual attacks on women by criticizing women for their allegedly rape-friendly attire. The Wall Street Journal reports that "Lauren, a South Slope resident, was walking home three blocks from the gym on Monday when she was stopped. The 25-year-old, who did not want her last name to be used, was wearing shorts and a T-shirt when she claims a police officer asked if she would stop and talk to him. He also stopped two other women wearing dresses." In an apparent effort to keep the women from being raped, the officer pointed at Lauren's outfit and, according to the Journal, said: "Don't you think your shorts are a little short?" He then reportedly pointed at the other women he'd stopped and warned them that they were "showing a lot of skin." If only all the women in the world could agree to stop wearing shorts and, in return, all the men in the world would pledge to stop raping them.

••A little closer to home, KIRO TV reports that South Sound police were forced to "tree" a man for the entire day after he tried to escape a speeding ticket. Officers caught the driver speeding in the early morning hours on Highway 16. When they signaled him to pull over, he instead turned off into a nearby neighborhood, parked his car, and climbed 20 feet up the nearest cedar tree. Nine hours later, he climbed down again. (The man's tree-climbing-related charges, according to KIRO: felony eluding, obstruction of justice, second-degree criminal trespass, and making false statements to a public servant.)

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1 Nothing happened today, unless you count the roughly 700 Occupy Wall Street protesters who were arrested for blocking traffic on New York's Brooklyn Bridge as they marched against nationwide home foreclosures, high unemployment, and the $700 billion bank bailouts of 2008. Which most people don't.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 2 Nothing happened today.

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