MONDAY, MARCH 18 It's bad, it's nationwide, and it wants your kiddie porn: Today every news source in America reported on Operation Candyman, the 14-month FBI crackdown on child pornography, and the recipient of the creepiest new name since Liquid-Plumr Foaming Pipe Snake. Today the formerly top-secret sting operation went gratifyingly public with the arrest of Mark Bates, a 32-year-old Palestine man living in East Texas, where he's been accused of masterminding a child pornography ring on the Internet. Busted with Bates were 89 accused subscribers to his site, which allowed members to post and download images and video of hot 'n' horny kids. Bates is also accused of distributing a survey to his subscribers, inquiring whether they wanted to see more boys or girls, of what ages, and whether they preferred "soft pics" or "more action." During its three months of operation, Bates' newsgroup attracted 7,000 users and subscribers in the U.S. with images that prosecuting U.S. Attorney Michael Selby has described as "absolutely appalling in the depth of their depravity." Worse, many of today's arrested subscribers have been described as "people holding positions of trust with frequent contact with children," including military and law enforcement officials, a school bus driver, a teacher's aide, a guidance counselor, a foster care parent, and two Catholic priests. Even worse, Attorney General John Ashcroft has announced that 27 of the 89 arrested subscribers to Bates' newsgroup have admitted to molesting 36 children (that's an average of 1.3 molested children per perpetrator). Mark Bates has been charged with conspiracy and transport of child pornography; if convicted, he could get 15 years in prison. Meanwhile, the subscribers have been charged with receipt and possession of child porn, with each facing a potential five years in prison. Operation Candyman continues.

··Speaking of twisted freaks: Following months of icky revelations from Catholic Church leaders in Pennsylvania, Maine, New York, and Southern California, today the Archdiocese of Seattle issued a statement proclaiming the Seattle branch of the Catholic Church to be 100 percent child-molester free. "Seattle learned its lesson in the mid-'80s," said archdiocese spokesman Bill Gallant to The Seattle Times. "We've worked hard, and we believe there's nobody in active ministry today that poses a threat." Last Days would like to point out that the archdiocese also believes that birth control is the Devil's left hand, so feel free to draw your own conclusions.

TUESDAY, MARCH 19 Jeepers: Today The Washington Post spilled the beans on the teen sensation that's sweeping the nation: September 11 slang. Canvassing a selection of District of Columbia high schools, writer Emily Wax discovers a world of loopy teen linguistics, in which a messy room is "ground zero," a strict teacher is known as "a terrorist," petty concerns are dismissed as "so September 10," and out-of-style clothes are mocked with the question, "Is that a burqa?" "They are trying to joke around," observed Alan Lipman, executive director of the Center at Georgetown for the Study of Violence. "What better way than humor to take these horrific ideas and make them go away?" Last Days concurs with Lipman's reading of the necessity of turning grievous loss into kicky slang, and hopes for worldwide acceptance of the phrase "hornier than a Boston priest," and the designation of a poor swimmer as a "Yates baby."

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 20 Speaking of tragedy instantly turned into comedy: Today in Uganda, police offered details on the case of Annet Minduru, the Ugandan woman charged with biting off her husband's penis and testicles during an argument. According to police reports, Minduru was driven to the emasculating mastication by a slap from her 45-year-old husband, John Ndekeezi. "I was so drunk she overpowered me," Ndekeezi told the Ugandan Monitor. "By the time my neighbor came to my rescue, she had bitten off both my testicles and the penis." Making matters even funkier is the possibility that Minduru's may have been a copycat crime: Two weeks ago, a Ugandan man died after his wife, angry about his failure to provide for his family, cut off his testicles. However, the trend of Ugandan crotch botching is but a slicy response to the far more prevalent trend of Ugandan wife-beating: Reuters reports that just last week, Uganda's Vice President Specioza Kazibwe told women legislators she had been forced to end her 23-year marriage because her husband had beaten her even after she was appointed to office. Kazibwe's husband responded by saying he had only beaten her twice.

THURSDAY, MARCH 21 Today Last Days gaped in awe as media maverick The Denver Post grasped America's fiercest taboo and smashed it like so much cheap Chihuly with a story by Ryan Morgan and Paula Woodward, two fearless writers who dared to do the unthinkable: criticize a firefighter. Under the headline "Stupid Game Puts Firefighters In Hot Water," Morgan and Woodward spin out their stunning tale of the 15 members of the Littleton Fire Department who, just a few days after September 11, were investigated (and two suspended) for participating in a sexually harassing game called "butt ball." This week Littleton City Manager Jim Woods told the press that "butt ball" had started innocently enough as a game called "chimes": After meals, firefighters would take turns throwing a small rubber ball at a set of wind chimes; whoever missed had to do the dishes. But when command staff members were absent, Woods said, the game took a sexier spin, with the "chimes" losers made to do dishes with their pants around their ankles and a rubber ball clenched between their buttocks. Woods also said that firefighters who refused to play weren't allowed to eat with their fellow employees. When butt ball came to light, the entire Littleton Fire Department received written warnings condemning the game, and two employees were suspended without pay for two shifts and ordered to take a two-day sensitivity training class called "Leadership Through Influence." Last Days appreciates the disciplinary measures taken by the City of Littleton. However, to properly compensate the Colorado taxpayers who funded the playing of butt ball, we feel it's only proper that the Littleton firefighters play a charity game of butt ball in a large outdoor sporting arena, with a simultaneous broadcast on Fox.

FRIDAY, MARCH 22 Last week, Last Days took the occasion of Britney Spears getting doused with urine to sing the praises of using waste as a weapon of protest. Today a sweet Hot Tipper alerted us to a fascinating story from Muskegon, Michigan, where James Beal, a 62-year-old postal worker, has been sentenced to 18 months in federal prison for dousing three of his coworkers with porcupine feces. Our thanks to the Hot Tipper, and our sympathies to the co-workers.

SATURDAY, MARCH 23 Today Last Days throws hearty congratulations at Ms. Ellen Forney--ace illustrator, longtime friend, and drug-story collaborator--who this week was named 2001's Cartoonist of the Year by the illustrious illustrators' group Cartoonist Northwest. Hurrah.

SUNDAY, MARCH 24 Speaking of triumphant women: Tonight the incredibly beautiful and apparently very talented Halle Berry became the first black woman in history to win the Academy Award for best actress, an honor to which Berry responded by nearly dying. However, Berry soon regained a majority of her composure, and by night's end had supplanted Jesus, Allah, and Oprah as the most beloved person in the history of the universe.

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