MONDAY, MAY 10
After months of protests, postponements, and media scrutiny, a member of the Makah Indian tribe finally hucked a harpoon at a gray whale. Just before 4 p.m. today, in the waters off the Olympic Peninsula, Makah member Theron Parker stood in the bow of a hand-crafted cedar canoe and pitched his 11-foot harpoon at a whale not 20 feet away. To the embarrassment of the Makah, and the relief and delight of scores of protesters, Parker overthrew his mark, missing the whale and ending the hunt for the day. But the drama was far from over, and the Seattle P-I documented the fury of the attending anti-whaling activists. High school marine biology teacher Cheryl Rorabeck-Siler described seeing the harpoon leave the whaler's hand as "the worst thing I can imagine" (lucky her); Sandy Abel, who moved from Maine to Seattle when she heard of the hunts, was "sick with fear" that a whale might be killed. Topping off the myopic misplacement of indignation was the arrest of two anti-violence, anti-whaling activists who were charged with reckless endangerment after allegedly tossing ignited smoke canisters at a motorized tribal support boat.
TUESDAY, MAY 11
Today the Food and Drug Administration issued urgent warnings about the half-dozen sleep aids and "party drugs" sold in health food stores and over the Internet that contain the ingredients GBH, GBL, and BD. According to the FDA, these supposedly "harmless" health aids can lead directly to unconsciousness, coma, and even death. Like most government organizations, the FDA is often guilty of shrill proclamations (i.e., smoking marijuana leads to heroin addiction), so Last Days contacted our favorite smartypants druggie to get the skinny on these supposedly deadly drugs. Our man's drug of choice is GBH, which he describes as "a great sex drug, a great dance drug, a fine anti-depressant, and a natural sleep aid." However, he warns that mixing the drug with alcohol will cause extreme nausea; taking too much will cause unconsciousness (and possible date rape); and combining GBH with downers causes death (word on the street is this is what killed River Phoenix). He also sniffs at the simplistic "GBH equals insta-death" equation: "Gamma hydroxybutyrate exists in every cell of our bodies. If it's so lethal, why aren't we all dead already?" (Last Days looks forward to the FDA's informative response.)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 12
Today a group of fifth graders in Los Angeles' El Sereno elementary school were given a crash course in ickiness when their substitute teacher removed his pants, began hyperventilating, and instructed the girls in the class to touch him "down there." According to Reuters, L.A. police decided the 46-year-old man's behavior was "a criminal act, not the result of a medical condition," and arrested him. No word yet on what charges the icky, icky man will face.
Congratulations, Mount Baker! Today our mighty mount became the world's most snowed-upon peak, accumulating a total of 1,124 inches of snow since November 1 and breaking a 27-year-old record for snowfall in a single season, reports the Associated Press. (The previous record-1,122-and-a-half inches-was established by nearby Mount Rainier in 1972.)
THURSDAY, MAY 13
Today a bunch of people got up and went to their stupid jobs, where they performed soul-crushing menial labor surrounded by people they loathe. Then they went home to their smelly apartments, made some crap for dinner, and watched Law & Order.
FRIDAY, MAY 14
Today President Bill Clinton breezed into town for a $5,000-a-head fundraiser attended by some 70 Democrat moneybags at the Rainier Club. Outside the club, demonstrators called for the Prez to end the "raping of Serbia" and the Makah-sanctioned execution of a gray whale; inside, Clinton delivered a 32-minute speech touching on the importance of the NATO campaign in the Balkans and his regret over the accidental bombing of the Chinese Embassy, and featuring this wise (for a politician) pronouncement on the Littleton massacre: "What I want to see is every single segment of our society stand up and say, not that it's someone else's fault, but 'What can I do?'" The Seattle Times reports that Clinton's take was less-than-impressive (about $200,000-less than Democratic presidential hopeful Bill Bradley raised here last month), and included numerous past-tense references to his not-yet-completed presidency. After the fundraiser, Clinton stopped by Elliott Bay Books, where he purchased $77.57 worth of goofy mysteries and George Orwell novels.
SATURDAY, MAY 15
Today, after a sold-out SIFF screening of local Filmmaker Gregg Lachow's movie Money Buys Happiness at the Cinerama, cast, crew, and friends retreated to the Alibi Room for a celebration. But the festivities took a dramatic turn when a beat-up blue truck was spied in the back parking lot. Around the truck were three elderly women in wheelchairs; in the front seat was a woman with her foot on the dashboard. Suddenly an ambulance arrived, and the woman from the truck was lifted onto a gurney moments before she gave birth to a baby boy. The father-a previously stoic guy with dreadlocks-was soon hollering with delight, along with the new baby's grandmother (one of the wheelchair-bound women). Meanwhile, inside the Alibi Room, four pregnant partygoers called out their congratulations, while WigglyWorld's Jamie Hook raced down to present the new dad with a bottle of "fairly nice red wine."
Meanwhile, residents of Salt Lake City have been receiving bundles of anything but joy. Today the Associated Press reported that gobs of thick, raw sewage have fallen from the sky a dozen times since April 9, splattering homes and confounding authorities in America's favorite Mormon stomping ground. The FAA has all but ruled out commercial planes as a culprit, as their toilet tanks aren't designed to jettison sewage, and any leaks would contain a telltale bluish disinfectant (none of the fecal globs had a trace of blue). While Utah residents remained baf?ed, the answer is obvious to anyone outside the Joseph Smith fan club: God shits on Mormons.
SUNDAY, MAY 16
When the world around you is falling apart, it's comforting to contextualize your misery by observing those even more miserable than you, and today Last Days checked in with the most miserable people on earth: The Lockhorns. As we hope you already know, the Lockhorns are a cartoon couple who hate each other's guts; unfortunately, divorce is forbidden on whatever planet they're from, and so the pair are doomed to a lifetime spent trying to insult each other to death. In today's installment, husband Leroy (a drunken, penny-pinching lech) accompanies wife Loretta (an ugly nag who can't cook) to the jeweler's. As Loretta slips on a pretty new ring, Leroy offers this tender observation: "It makes you look fat." Love can be so cruel.
Also: A tale of Eastside evil from adorable Stranger distribution worker Jeffrey. Today Jeffrey was delivering a stack of papers to the Redmond Public Library when a man and his sheepdog emerged from an SUV (the first sign of the devil). The dog happily ran over to Jeffrey, who began to play with the sporty pooch before its owner called out, "Belle, beware of third-world monkeys." Jeffrey glanced at the owner in disbelief, then advised the dog: "Belle, beware of first-world assholes."
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