David Schmader is on vacation this week.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 14 This week of presidential death threats, spicy facials, and criminally flat butts kicks off in New York, where today the NYPD conducted a midnight raid on Occupy Wall Street's beloved shantytown in Zuccotti Park, dismantling tents, arresting protesters, and destroying all but a few boxes from the movement's expansive 5,000-book library. In retaliation, homeless protesters started camping outside New York mayor Michael Bloomberg's home, and rumor has it the mayor has ordered them 5,000 copies of Who Moved My Cheese? and Atlas Shrugged as a way of apologizing for his book-destroying gaffe. Meanwhile in Seattle, the city council showed its willingness to come two months late (and empty-handed) to any party by passing a nonbinding resolution "recognizing and supporting" Occupy Seattle while condemning "actions that infringe upon the lawful rights of others, obstruct or interfere with the efforts of law enforcement officers to protect such rights, or cause personal injury or property destruction."

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15 "Thank giddy God for nonbinding resolutions," the Seattle City Council collectively sighed today, as police officers corralled and liberally pepper-sprayed a crowd of Occupy Seattle protesters—including a priest, a pregnant woman, and 84-year-old activist and civic treasure Dorli Rainey—for peacefully blocking an intersection in downtown Seattle. Here's Rainey's account of events: "Something funny happened on my way to a transportation meeting in Northgate," she began. "As I got off the bus at Third and Pine I heard helicopters above. Knowing that the problems of New York would certainly precipitate action by Occupy Seattle, I thought I better check it out. Especially since only yesterday the city government made a grandiose gesture to protect free speech. Well, free speech does have its limits as I found out, as the cops shoved their bicycles into the crowd and simultaneously pepper-sprayed the captured protesters... This is what democracy looks like. It certainly left an impression on the people who rode the number 1 bus home with me. In the women's movement there were signs which said: 'Screw us and we multiply.'" By week's end, Rainey will receive a personal apology from Mayor Mike McGinn, appear on Countdown with Keith Olbermann, and become the darling new poster baby of the Occupy movement.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16 Last Friday, witnesses reported hearing shots fired from a black Honda Accord at the White House. Today, role-playing the fantasy of America's most dedicated Christian racists, a man who reportedly calls himself the 21st-century Jesus was arrested and charged with attempting to assassinate President Barack Obama. Friends tell reporters that 21-year-old Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez had become increasingly angry at our "Antichrist" president in recent months—notably for implanting tracking chips in children—but the most revelatory details about his mental state will come two days from now via CNN.com, which obtained an audition interview Ortega-Hernandez created for our other black president, Miss Oprah Winfrey, weeks before the alleged assassination attempt. In the video, Ortega-Hernandez, dressed in black robes and wearing a crucifix, reasserts his status as "the modern-day Jesus Christ," chillingly denouncing the US government as a great source of the world's evil and saying he holds the secret to world peace (spoiler alert! It's assassinating the president!). He continues: "I have never felt so sure about something in my whole life. I'm willing to defend these words with my heart, my soul, flesh and bones." If convicted, Ortega-Hernandez faces a possible life sentence. Here's hoping he gets the mental health care he needs instead.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17 Today in sloughy horrors, Hot Tipper Grant writes: "Riding the number 8 north on MLK Jr., I looked up from my book and noticed a skinny jacketed man at the very front of the bus busily scratching at his shoulders under his shirt. The next moment he brought his hand to his mouth and sucked something off his fingers. It was then that I realized he wasn't scratching but picking... Even as waves of revulsion (literally) shook me in my seat, I couldn't look away. He continued going to the well until the well ran dry, then he set about cleaning the remnants out from under his fingernails with his teeth, taking time to examine then eat what he'd dislodged. The whole incident left me wanting to scrub every inch of skin off of my hands and gouge out my eyeballs." Us, too. Thanks, Grant!

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18 Meanwhile, in resourceful teaching aids, the Los Angeles Times reports that school officials are investigating a Stockton special-education teacher for allegedly registering several porn sites from her school computer—including Teachertitties.com and Mysluttyteacher.com, which featured a photo of the alleged porn purveyor, 35-year-old Heidi Kaeslin, wearing a busty T-shirt that read "I Teacher" (a logo trademarked by Kaeslin). The Stockton Record states that Kaeslin launched the sites with her cop boyfriend, Richard Fields, whom she met during his stint as her high school's resource officer. As their "About Us" section states: "This company was created by a young teacher who was inspired, after her male students spent most of the period staring at her boobs, to create the 'I Heart Teachers' shirt... the rest is history." School officials are now a vote away from firing Kaeslin as they debate whether or not she violated the school's ethics code.

•• Speaking of things that make your eyes burn, today a group of UC Davis students were pepper-sprayed by campus police while peacefully participating in the Occupy UC Davis movement. In better news, video of the unprovoked incident quickly went viral online, resulting in the suspension of two campus police officers and campus police chief Annette Spicuzza. Within a few days, Fox News' Megyn Kelly will declare that everyone should calm down because pepper spray is just "a food product, essentially."

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19 The week continues with further proof that hindsight is everything, as yesterday Florida police arrested 30-year-old Miami Gardens resident Oneal Ron Morris, a transgender woman and hobbyist plastic surgeon accused of illegally injecting a mixture of cement, Fix-A-Flat tire sealant, and superglue into a woman's butt to enhance its size and bubbly shape. Details come from BBC.com, which reports that one victim was admitted to Tampa General Hospital with life-threatening complications from the at-home surgery, including pneumonia and a MRSA infection. When the pain of the at-home surgery had become too much for the victim, Morris reportedly told her: "Oh don't worry, you'll be fine. We just keep injecting you with the stuff and it all works itself out." Morris then allegedly sealed the incisions shut with superglue and sent her on her way for $700. "Police believe that other people may also have paid money to Morris but are too embarrassed to come forward," BBC reports.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20 Nothing happened today.

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