MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21 This week of party Bibles, butthurt governors, and violent clowns kicks off in South Carolina, where today the Miami Herald reports the arrest of a woman for allegedly attempting to smuggle weapons, drugs, and a cell phone into prison in two hollowed-out holy books. Authorities began investigating 28-year-old Shareca Latoya Jones after a package mailed to Lieber Correctional Institution from Jones's address was found to contain two Bibles stuffed not with the rants of God but with razor blades, a cell phone, ecstasy pills, and more than 28 grams of cocaine. CBS News adds that today police pulled Jones over for a routine traffic stop, only to find "a loaded handgun, prescription medication, [more] ecstasy pills, 26 individual packages of marijuana, multiple cell phones, and a large amount of cash" in her car. She is now facing drug and contraband charges.

•• Also today, Kansas high school senior Emma Sullivan fulfilled every girl's dream of meeting her governor during a youth government field trip. Unfortunately, Sullivan's governor happens to be the anti-gay, anti-evolution governor Sam Brownback. After the trip, Sullivan tweeted, "just made mean comments at gov brownback and told him he sucked, in person #heblowsalot." (CNN reports that Sullivan didn't actually tell Brownback he sucked in person—she says she was just "joking around"—but the fact remains: He does blow a lot.) Governor Brownback's staff, which apparently has nothing better to do than troll teenagers' Twitter accounts, reacted to the 18-year-old's taunt by ratting her out to her high-school principal. Long story short: Sullivan was ordered to write an apology letter, she refused, and the internets got angry in her honor because #freespeechwhatthefuck? One week from today, Brownback will instead be issuing an apology for his thin-skinned staff. "My staff overreacted to this tweet, and for that I apologize," the governor will say. "Freedom of speech is among our most treasured freedoms."

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22 Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, the week continues with reports of a 10-year-old Bellingham boy who defended his mother from an alleged in-home attacker by shooting him in the face. The suspect, 45-year-old Paul Newman, was renting a room from his alleged victim when he came home at 7 a.m. "apparently drunk and angry because his room was in disarray," reports KING 5 News. Newman then allegedly kicked in his landlady's bedroom door and began choking her. Enter the victim's son: "The boy swung a board at the attacker, who chased the 10-year-old through the house," KING 5 reports. "In the commotion, the attacker... ended up locked out of the house and [tried] to climb in through a window. When the mother tried to close the window, he grabbed her and threatened to kill both of them." Enter the son's pump-action BB gun. "He shot him," said Officer Mark Young with the Bellingham Police Department, speaking to KING 5. "At least four times, we believe." In the face. Newman—who police describe as a repeat offender—was hospitalized and now faces charges of felony assault and harassment.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23 Speaking of violent clowns, police tipped off about a "suspicious person" loitering at an Atlanta strip club found a 37-year-old man dressed in a candy-striped mock turtleneck and wearing weepy clown makeup. According to the Smoking Gun, a quick background check confirmed that the clown was Cesar Sanchez, a man with an outstanding warrant for domestic battery. Sanchez the Weepy Clown was promptly arrested. "Sadly, [police] records offer no insight as to why... Sanchez was dressed as a clown," the Smoking Gun reports.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24 Today brought the triumphant return of Thanksgiving, the annual American holiday devoted to stuffing our pie-holes with pie and giving glory and thanks for the things that comfort us (boyfriends! Belly rubs! Hollowed-out Bibles! Flannel pajamas!), while glossing over the shit that makes us uncomfortable, like violently horny clowns, or people pepper-spraying strangers for cheap Xboxes (more on that later), or, as the Seattle Police Department blotter reports, homeless men shot for not having any drugs on them. Officers are looking for two men who they say entered a Beacon Hill homeless camp early Thanksgiving morning looking for marijuana. When a 39-year-old homeless man explained that that he was dirt poor and drugless, they allegedly shot the victim in the thigh and fled the scene. The victim was admitted to Harborview with non-life-threatening injuries. Speaking of trigger-happy bargain hunters: Late tonight, a Walmart shopper liberally pepper-sprayed at least 14 fellow shoppers, allegedly to clear a path to a crate of half-price Xboxes that was being unloaded. The Los Angeles Times reports that police are investigating the woman's claims that she sprayed in self-defense.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25 Which brings us to Black Friday, best known as the day when Americans forget their thanks and lose their shit over discount electronics and $2 waffle irons. The LA Times continues its kick-ass coverage of Walmart assaults with one in North Carolina, where an off-duty police officer reportedly pepper-sprayed 20 Walmart shoppers standing in line for cell phones marked down from $200 to $35. Meanwhile, a riot broke out in an Arkansas Walmart over a limited supply of $2 waffle irons, and at a Walmart in San Leandro, a shopper was allegedly shot by robbers after he refused to give up his goods in the parking lot. In Connecticut, police stun-gunned a Walmart shopper after he allegedly assaulted another shopper waiting in line for video games, and USA Today reports that bomb threats were made at Walmart stores in Colorado, Missouri, and Arkansas. In non-Walmart-related news, three women and two girls were arrested today in Minnesota in connection to a "Black Friday shoplifting spree" at a Target store. The St. Paul Pioneer Press reports that the women allegedly swiped more than $2,200 worth of items from the store.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26 Today, a man dressed as Frosty the Snowman was arrested by police during the annual Christmas parade in Chestertown, Maryland. The suspect, 52-year-old Kevin Michael Walsh, has played Frosty the Snowman for the last decade in the annual holiday parade. "Walsh is accused of kicking at police dog Henzo," reports the Cecil Whig. Then, "as Walsh was taking off the head portion of the 'Frosty' costume, he allegedly hit [Officer] Walker in the face with it." Condolences to all the children who had to endure the spectacle of two officers taking down Frosty the Snowman as he "could be heard screaming, over the din of the parade, 'You have no right to arrest me.'"

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 27 Nothing happened today. (Thank God.)

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