MONDAY, DECEMBER 5 This week of historic speech, fatal wang renovation, and attempts to create bootleg Walmart meth kicks off in South Carolina, where today police in York County shared a new holiday horror story for the ages. Details come from CBS News, which identifies the alleged horror-maker as Patty White, a 40-year-old York County woman who reportedly told police how she killed someone in Florida and stashed the body under a pile of Christmas presents in the victim's own home. About the victim: She's been identified as 67-year-old Michele O'Dowd and described as a "family friend" who'd let White stay with her in her Jacksonville home when White fell on hard times. Then came last Friday's alleged confessed killing, after which White fled Florida, along with two of O'Dowd's charge cards, which she reportedly attempted to use at two Florida ATMs. "On Saturday, York police pulled over a car driven by White's mother that White was riding in," reports CBS. "When White interviewed with detectives, White confessed to murdering O'Dowd, according to a police report and a release." By week's end, White will be returned to Florida to face homicide charges. Condolences to all, especially Michele O'Dowd's twin brother, who was the first to find the crime scene. As the surviving twin told WTEV News, "There is nothing worse than when you walk inside and find your own sister brutally murdered over a stupid debit card."

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 6 In much better news: The week continues in Geneva, Switzerland, where today Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton addressed the United Nations on the topic of International Human Rights Day, talking her way into the hearts of millions of people and the history books.

"The Universal Declaration of Human Rights... proclaims a simple, powerful idea: All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. Today, I want to talk about the work we have left to do to protect one group of people whose human rights are still denied in too many parts of the world today... I am talking about gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people, human beings born free and bestowed equality and dignity, who have a right to claim that, which is now one of the remaining human rights challenges of our time... Some have suggested that gay rights and human rights are separate and distinct, but, in fact, they are one and the same." In the midst of her swoon-inducing eloquence, Clinton boldly strode into the muck, addressing those people who "cite religious or cultural values as a reason to violate or not to protect the human rights of LGBT citizens. This is not unlike the justification offered for violent practices toward women like honor killings, widow burning, or female genital mutilation. Some people still defend those practices as part of a cultural tradition. But violence toward women isn't cultural; it's criminal. Likewise with slavery, what was once justified as sanctioned by God is now properly reviled as an unconscionable violation of human rights." Clinton closed by sharing some actual good news: "This morning, back in Washington, President Obama put into place the first US government strategy dedicated to combating human rights abuses against LGBT persons abroad. Building on efforts already under way at the State Department and across the government, the president has directed all US government agencies engaged overseas to combat the criminalization of LGBT status and conduct, to enhance efforts to protect vulnerable LGBT refugees and asylum seekers, to ensure that our foreign assistance promotes the protection of LGBT rights, to enlist international organizations in the fight against discrimination, and to respond swiftly to abuses against LGBT persons."

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 7 In much creepier news, the week continues in Pennsylvania, where today Jerry Sandusky—the exorbitantly creepy former Penn State assistant coach charged last month with 40 counts of sexual abuse of a child—was arrested again on charges brought forth by two new accusers. As the New York Times reports, "Both of the new accusers told a grand jury that they, like the eight other accusers in the case, met Sandusky through the Second Mile charity he founded in 1977. The two testified before a grand jury that they were molested or raped by Sandusky over a period of years, the authorities said. Among the new counts, Sandusky was charged with four counts of involuntary deviate sexual intercourse and two counts of unlawful contact with a minor, all first-degree felonies punishable by up to 20 years in prison and $25,000 in fines."

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8 The week continues in Tulsa, Oklahoma, where today the local DIY movement came very close to exploding, thanks to the woman caught trying to manufacture methamphetamine inside a Tulsa Walmart. "Police say surveillance video shows Alisha Halfmoon, 45, had been in the store since noon," reports Tulsa's FOX 23. "Six hours later, security noticed she was acting suspicious, so they called Tulsa police." Cops arrived in time to find Ms. Halfmoon mixing sulfuric acid with starter fluid in a bottle, at which point she was taken into custody and spilled the beans to police. "She didn't have the money to make the purchases of the chemicals that were needed, so she was taking what was needed in the bottle," reports Officer David Shelby. "When firefighters were on the scene, she made statements to them that... she was attempting to obtain these chemicals and was in the process of trying to manufacture meth. However, she said she was not very good at it." She remains jailed on $100,000 bond.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 9 Meanwhile in New Jersey, a woman is facing homicide charges after allegedly subjecting a man to deadly penis injections. Details come from the New Jersey Star-Ledger, which identifies the victim as a 22-year-old East Orange man whose desire for penile enhancement allegedly drove him to the home of 34-year-old Kasia Rivera, who allegedly injected silicone into his wang. Instead of a larger penis, the man got a deader self, with the injection causing silicone embolism and a fatal blood clot. Authorities ruled the young man's death a homicide, and today Rivera was arrested on charges of manslaughter and unauthorized practice of medicine. Condolences to all involved and confidential to everyone else: If you feel the need to enlarge your penis, do it the old-fashioned, nondeadly way—using funhouse mirrors.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10 Nothing happened today, unless you count the volunteer worker from Heroes for the Homeless—the amazing local organization that delivers cold-weather emergency gear to those living outside—who was handing out supplies under the Ship Canal Bridge this morning when she stepped on a plastic bag containing human remains. According to the Seattle Times, these remains involved a decomposing leg and a foot, and were handed over to the King County medical examiner.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 11 Nothing happened today.

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