MONDAY, JULY 1 The week kicked off with a flurry of news reports on the King County Meth Lab Massacre, Sunday night's drug-bust-turned-deadly that left three cops wounded and one trigger-happy meth-head dead. The saga began Sunday afternoon, when King County sheriff's detectives raided the Maple Valley home of Jeffry Sorenson and Janet Armbrust, an unmarried pair charged with manufacturing methamphetamine and defrauding the power company. But the real action began after the meth-making, utility-stealing couple was hauled off to jail, leaving sheriff's deputies alone in the house to process evidence--and greet the steady flow of tweakers 'n' dealers looking for a Sunday-night fix. The first unlucky customer was 42-year-old Traci Savoy, who was promptly arrested for possessing a suspended driver's license and two baggies of meth. The next visitor--35-year-old Gary Burow--possessed even more: namely, an outstanding warrant for his arrest and a loaded pistol, which Burow wielded as deputies wrestled him to the ground. The Seattle P-I reports that Burow fired at least six shots (hitting at least three police officers) before deputies returned fire, shooting Burow in the head and killing him. Still, not even those closest to Gary Burow are treating his death as anything other than the inevitable end to a lifetime of trouble. "I want [police] to know we don't blame them for what they had to do," said Burow's sister Cherie Olsen to the P-I, who detailed her brother's trail of burglaries, restraining orders, and parole violations. "I want them to know Gary had said he's not going to jail, he was going to die first. That was his plan."

TUESDAY, JULY 2 For nearly two years, the Woodland Park Zoo has provided a home for the delightfully rambunctious baby Asian elephant Hansa. But today the good folks at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals filed a complaint against the Woodland Park Zoo, claiming Hansa's keepers violated the federal Animal Welfare Act when they beat the baby elephant for eating dirt. According to PETA's complaint (filed with the U.S. Department of Agriculture and reported in the Seattle P-I), the beating took place on June 22, when Hansa's keepers administered several blows to the baby elephant with a bullhook. PETA was alerted to the beating by a whistle-blowing zoo insider, who leaked internal documents authorizing the beating and set in motion a furious back-n-forth between PETA and the zoo. "To reprimand a baby in that manner is so wrong," said PETA elephant specialist Jane Garrison to the P-I, suggesting that Hansa was driven to eat dirt to alleviate a mineral deficiency. Zoo folk scoffed at Garrison's claims, saying that blood samples prove that Hansa's nutritional intake is fine, and accusing the animal-rights group of "overreacting" to a method of animal handling that has been used to domesticate elephants for thousands of years. "PETA is not overreacting," said Garrison before delivering what Last Days hopes will become the battle cry of animal-rights advocates across the globe: "Any time an elephant is struck with a bullhook, it's unethical."

··Also today: A research team of clinical psychiatrists in Okayama, Japan, reported the results of a study linking marijuana to schizophrenia. Published in the new issue of Molecular Psychiatry (and reported by United Press International), the study's results appear to link malfunctions in the brain's marijuana-affected circuitry with an increased vulnerability to schizophrenia. Researchers say this holds especially true for a condition called hebephrenic schizophrenia, whose symptoms include deterioration of personality, senseless laughter, disorganized thoughts, and a lack of motivation. (Add a heightened sensitivity to jazz and a bottomless hunger for Pringles and you've got the marijuana experience in a nutshell. See you in the loony bin.)

WEDNESDAY, JULY 3 Speaking of people who may be insane or just really, really high: Today brought the publication of the brand-new Vanity Fair, featuring a fabulously entertaining interview/psychotic episode with Michael Ovitz, the one-time boss of Hollywood's all-powerful Artists Management Group and former Disney big shot. In an absolutely ruinous interview, Ovitz lashes out at those he considers responsible for wrecking his business and reputation--most notably "the gay Mafia," a villainous crew of Hollywood insiders who plotted to humiliate and destroy him, Ovitz claims. (In a kicky twist, a majority of those Ovitz identified as gay Mafiosi are heterosexual.) And while Last Days is as excited as anyone at the prospect of a gay Mafia, gay people can hardly organize a parade, much less a functional crime syndicate, and Ovitz needn't invent a phantom organization to credit for his humiliation; according to those who know him, the hubris-packed Ovitz has been cultivating his downfall from the beginning. "I think he was out to get himself," said L.A. super-agent Bernie Brillstein to the Los Angeles Times. "He's done it. It's over."

··In other news: Today a shell-shocked Michael Ovitz issued a statement of apology for his "inappropriate, regrettable comments" to Vanity Fair. Unfortunately but predictably, Ovitz's apology received one-zillionth of the press exposure awarded to his outburst. That'll learn him.

THURSDAY, JULY 4 Today was the Fourth of July.

FRIDAY, JULY 5 Today was the fifth of July.

SATURDAY, JULY 6 Today brought the event Last Days has patiently but passionately anticipated for the past 15 years: the cracking of Michael Jackson. Today the self-appointed, contractually stipulated, grievously deluded King of Pop set out on a multi-stop tour of New York City, visiting record stores and community centers from Harlem to the East Village to denounce the "devilish and racist" machinations of Sony chief Tommy Mottola, who Jackson blames for the failure of his latest album, Invincible. Never mind Mottola's global reputation as a fervent supporter of black artists; in Jackson's mind, the waning of his appeal has nothing to do with child-molestation settlements and perpetually mind-boggling weirdness, and everything to do with the failure of evil, racist Sony to promote his work. (FYI: Sony spent a reported $25 million trying to talk the world into buying Invincible.) As Last Days sees it, Michael Jackson has two options: Either mastermind a comeback of unprecedented proportions (perhaps with the help of Michael Ovitz), or buy a gun and end it now.

SUNDAY, JULY 7 Nothing happened today.

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