MONDAY, JULY 15 The week begins with the criminally romantic story of the jailbird newlyweds in Terre Haute, Indiana, accused of sealing their wedding vows with the kiss of meth. According to the Associated Press, the kiss in question took place on July 5, when Vivian Frazier, 32, wed her incarcerated fiancé, Jeremy Guinther, 26, at the Vigo County Jail. At the close of the couple's nuptials, the new bride kissed her jailed groom--and allegedly transferred two grams of methamphetamine (wrapped in a celebratory balloon) from her mouth to his. According to the police report, a guard became suspicious after noticing a bulge in the groom's cheek; when ordered to open his mouth, Jeremy Guinther swallowed, but later confessed to ingesting meth, which was eventually recovered "during a hospital stay," AP tastefully reports. Arrested four days later on charges of trafficking with an inmate, the blushing bride denied the accusations and defended the purity of her love: "Why would someone give something that could kill them on their wedding day? It's supposed to be a happy time." Meanwhile, the alleged speed-smooch has led to a new rule at the jail: No kissing in weddings behind bars. "I've checked with several of the local ministers," said Sheriff Bill Harris. "There's no requirement for a kiss."

TUESDAY, JULY 16 Speaking of requirements for kissing: Today the good folks at Lambda Legal Defense went before the not-always-so-good folks on the U.S. Supreme Court, asking the nation's highest body of law to review and ultimately reject Texas' Homosexual Conduct Law, which bans "intimate relations" between consenting adults of the same sex. (Fun fact: The original law banned both homo and hetero sodomy, but was amended to punish same-sexers exclusively in 1974.) Representing John Lawrence and Tyron Garner, two Houston men arrested and convicted in 1998 for having consensual sex in private, Lambda lawyers implored the Supremes to declare the Texas law unconstitutional for trouncing on the rights to privacy and equal protection under the law. "These two men in Texas were arrested, jailed, and criminally convicted for having consensual sex in John Lawrence's home late one evening," said Lambda's legal director, Ruth E. Harlow. "The state should not have that power, and we are asking the U.S. Supreme Court to intervene." No word yet on the Court's response to Lambda Legal Defense's excessively reasonable plea.

··Speaking of incriminating sex: Today the Winnipeg Sun reported the mind-blowing, PETA-galling story of the Canadian man forced to move to Winnipeg after being convicted of having sex with two dogs he dressed in women's underwear. According to police reports, both dogs were found dead--one dumped in a ditch, the other hanged in the garage--wearing bras and panties. Samples taken from the unlucky dogs gave police enough DNA evidence to convict the unnamed man on charges of bestiality. Currently in the middle of a three-year probation term, the man has fled his British Columbia home for Winnipeg--a move Winnipeg authorities are none too pleased about. "He feared for his safety and got permission to move here," one officer told the Sun. "[Now] we're stuck with the sick bastard."

WEDNESDAY, JULY 17 Today we turn, as we do every Wednesday, to the words of Friedrich Nietzsche, reflecting on what he saw as an overwhelming storm of stimuli battering humanity at the end of the 19th century: "The massive influx of impressions is so great; surprising, barbaric and violent things press so overpoweringly--'balled into hideous clumps'--in the youthful soul; that it can save itself only by taking recourse in premeditated stupidity." Well, tonight FOX TV supplied conclusive proof of Nietzsche's dark musings--and cornered the market on premeditated stupidity--with Thirty Seconds to Fame, the latest and fastest take on today's super-hot Star Search-meets-concentration-camp trend. As the title suggests, Thirty Seconds to Fame allows lucky contestants exactly half a minute to display their talents and, hopefully, make a superstar impression on the audience voting bloc. Wisely capitalizing on the fact that almost anything is tolerable for 30 seconds, Fox trotted out plenty of true talent (dancer/contortionist Mr. Flat Top; that guy who plays the piano by bouncing balls on the keys), as well as a thrilling number of complete freaks (the brilliant "Belgian rapper" Von Von Von; horrifying prop comic the Legendary Wid), in a power-packed half-hour that was both refreshingly democratic and bracingly mean-spirited (the sweet little rappin' granny was booed off the stage in 12 seconds). And while Last Days was disappointed in the final choice of winner (the Human Beat-Box wuz robbed!), we understand the evergreen appeal of a giant black lady singing her head off. Congratulations to winner Alice Tan Radley, and may God have mercy on our souls.

THURSDAY, JULY 18 Today in Los Angeles, Inglewood police officer Jeremy Morse surrendered himself on a charge of assault stemming from the July 6 incident during which Officer Morse gently placed 16-year-old Donovan Jackson on the trunk of a squad car, and then oh-so-delicately punched him in the face.

FRIDAY, JULY 19 Speaking of idiotic assholes: Today the so-bad-it's-brilliant Seattle Gay News published (legibly!) a call to action issued by the Northwest contingent of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, urging citizens to speak out against the homophobic hate speech routinely dished out on The Ron & Don Show, the locally produced morning radio program that airs on Entercom-owned KQBZ 100.7 FM. Citing Ron & Don offenses both boneheaded (a rewritten Spiderman theme about a "homo-man" who gleefully spreads AIDS) and diabolical (playing host to a far-right nutcase who denounced non-hetero folk as "sick, perverted, diseased, and mentally ill"), Northwest GLAAD invited concerned citizens to share their thoughts with Entercom's vice president and market manager, Steve Oshin, at 726-7000, ext. 6801. Thanks to GLAAD for the heads-up, and thanks to all who take the time to give Steve Oshin a buzz. As for Ron & Don, Last Days is currently investigating the legality of various modes of humiliating retaliation. Stay tuned.

··Also today: Legendary musicologist/Moby collaborator Alan Lomax died, and the stock market plunged a kazillion points.

SATURDAY, JULY 20 Astute readers will recall the promise Last Days made in late 2001, when we swore off all mention of gruesome public grooming gaffes until 2003. Staying true to that promise has meant rejecting dozens of mind-boggling acts of hideousness, but stay true we shall. (Confidential to whoever left the overflowing colostomy bag in the Madison Beach men's room to be discovered by the unluckiest Hot Tipper ever: You should be ashamed.)

SUNDAY, JULY 21 Nothing happened today (unless you count the airing of a new episode of the latest Law & Order spinoff, Crime & Punishment, easily the most exciting and engrossing hour of network television since CNN mercilessly played, played, and replayed footage of Bob Dole falling off that platform when he ran for president in 1996).

Hello talented people: Pizzazz!, The Stranger's third annual citywide talent show, will dazzle the masses this Labor Day weekend on the glamorous Biringer Farm Bagley Wright stage at Bumbershoot. Trust me: This shit's more fun than a bag of monkeys (and the prizes rock), so if you've got a talent that can be displayed in five minutes or less, call TK XXX-XXXX after 6 pm to schedule an audition time. (Silent Lambs Project, Pearl Jam, and Craig Trolli, this means you.)

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