MONDAY, MARCH 2 This week of illicit lasers, funeral fairies, and revolting NPR employees kicks off with the first of many odd and episodic arrests. Yesterday afternoon in Lincoln, Nebraska, sheriff's deputies responded to a domestic-disturbance call at the home shared by 20-year-old Acea Schomaker and his grandfather. After resolving the intergenerational dispute, police left the home, only to return minutes later after discovering an outstanding arrest warrant on Schomaker alleging possession of drug paraphernalia. Upon reentering the house, deputies saw Schomaker engaging in the act that would make him an instant internet legend: smoking marijuana through a chunk of garden hose duct-taped to a Plexiglas box, in which was stuffed his girlfriend's cat. As the Associated Press reports, Schomaker told police that the 6-month-old female cat had been "hyper" and he was trying to "calm her." For his interspecies stoning, Schomaker was cited for misdemeanor animal cruelty, taken to the Lancaster County Jail on the preexisting arrest warrant, and released after paying a $400 fine. Schomaker also faces new charges for possession of marijuana and paraphernalia stemming from yesterday's saga, for which he remains unrepentant. "I know for sure this isn't the first time someone has done this," Schomaker will tell the AP. "I'm just the first one to get caught." As for the cat: She was taken to the Humane Society, where she was today listed in good condition.

TUESDAY, MARCH 3 Speaking of odd and episodic arrests, the week continues in North Seattle, where early this morning a woman called 911 to report a strange man banging at her front door. Not only was the man strange, he was armed, eventually kicking in the woman's front door and firing a shot from his AK-47 into the wall. As the woman's boyfriend told KIRO 7 Eyewitness News, the armed man—who was also wearing a bulletproof vest—demanded to see someone who did not live there and asked, "Where's the dope?" When the couple told the man that whoever and whatever he was looking for was not to be found in their home, the man fired the aforementioned shot into the wall, apologized, and left. Unfortunately for the mysterious gunman, his wall-bound gunshot was heard by arriving officers, from whom the gunman tried to flee in his Hummer before being stopped by a dead end. Upon the man's arrest, police discovered the suspect was dressed "in a green police jumpsuit like those worn by King County Sheriff deputies, but without patches or badges." Also recovered from the Hummer: a rifle, a handgun, and two Yorkshire terriers, which were placed in the custody of animal control.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 4 The week continues with the eternal punch line to the great joke of life: death, which recently claimed the uncle of Tammy Fausel of Candler, North Carolina. Today brought the funeral for the unnamed uncle, an event transformed from a private family matter into a Last Days–worthy fiasco by the presence of Nicole Leonard, a 25-year-old woman who appeared at the funeral home to dance in front of the service, wave a wand around the casket, and pry open the casket's lid to lay her hands on the deceased's head before striking the body with a wand, throwing a flower display at the family, and fleeing in a burgundy Toyota. Upon being caught and questioned by deputies, the Greenville News reports, Ms. Leonard revealed that she knew no one at the church and acted as she did because "she felt that it was the right thing to do at the time." Leonard stands charged with disturbing a funeral and public disorderly conduct.

THURSDAY, MARCH 5 Today brings a double whammy of splashy legal proceedings, the first of which took place before the California Supreme Court, which today heard arguments over the constitutionality of the state's gay-marriage-negating Proposition 8. As the Los Angeles Times reports, the court "strongly indicated Thursday it would rule that Proposition 8 validly abolished the right for gays to marry but would allow same-sex couples who wed before the November election to remain legally married." Meanwhile in a lesser Los Angeles court, troubled pop star Chris Brown was charged with two felonies—assault likely to cause great bodily injury and making criminal threats—in his alleged beating of girlfriend/international pop sensation Rihanna. Among the alleged specifics of the "brutal argument" described in the detective's affidavit: hitting, biting, death threats, and an attempted choking, during which "Rihanna nearly lost consciousness but also tried to fight back... at one point trying to gouge at Brown's eyes." The 19-year-old Brown remains free on $50,000 bail. If convicted, he faces up to four years and eight months in prison (but will likely get probation).

FRIDAY, MARCH 6 Obsessive readers will remember the ugly events of February 10, when Last Days reported on Aaron Bruns, the Fox News reporter who covered Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign before being arrested on an array of horrifying kiddie-porn charges. Nearly a month later, Fox News has yet to report a single word on Bruns's arrest. Nevertheless, in the spirit of bipartisan fair play, today Last Days will dutifully report on David Malakoff, the National Public Radio reporter who served as an NPR editor and on-air correspondent before pleading guilty today to felony possession of child porn. As the Smoking Gun reports, the 46-year-old Malakoff's guilty plea comes after the discovery of over 150 images depicting sexual acts with minors on Malakoff's work computer, which Malakoff had, brilliantly, handed over to an NPR IT worker, who scanned the computer for a virus and found a LimeWire folder packed with kiddie-porn downloads. (Also in the spirit of bipartisan fair play: As of this week, NPR has yet to report anything on Malakoff's arrest.)

••Meanwhile in Burien: Today a 24-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of being the freak who's been pointing high-powered laser beams at planes landing at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports that more than a dozen Sea-Tac-bound planes have been hit by mysterious laser beams since February, and while "none of the planes had trouble landing... authorities say bright laser lights can be dangerous as they distract pilots." This afternoon the unnamed alleged laser-pointer was arrested for investigation of first-degree unlawful discharge of a laser.

SATURDAY, MARCH 7 Nothing happened today, unless you count the surprise triumph of the University of Washington's basketball team, which clobbered the Washington State Cougars 67–60 to qualify for next week's Pac-10 championship or something.

SUNDAY, MARCH 8 Nothing happened today, unless you count that ridiculously cute and/or hilarious thing your dog/baby/elderly relative did. God, that was cute and/or hilarious.

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