MONDAY, MARCH 9 This week of gratifying indictments, trashy evolution, and a psychotic surplus of deadly massacres kicks off today with a relatively lighthearted item, which nevertheless involves premeditated assault. The would-be premeditating assailant: Santino, a 31-year-old chimpanzee in Sweden, who blew researchers' minds by calmly stockpiling rocks that he would later throw at human zoo-goers in fits of rage. Details come from a report published in the journal Current Biology, which draws particular attention to the discrepancy between the chimp's calm rock collecting and furious rock throwing. As researchers report, Santino began stockpiling his rocks—methodically breaking down chunks of concrete into perfect throwing- sized stones—before the Furuvik Zoo opened for the day. Hours later, a group of humans gathered to view the apes on their island compound, and an apparently furious Santino unleashed a "hailstorm" of rocks against his audience. "These observations convincingly show that... apes consider the future in a very complex way," said study author/Lund University PhD student Mathias Osvath to the Associated Press. "It implies that they have a highly developed consciousness, including lifelike mental simulations of potential events." (The fact that the ape stayed calm while preparing his weapons but used them when he was extremely agitated proves that the planning behavior was not based on "an immediate emotional drive," Osvath added.) However, the ability to plan does not automatically come with the ability to succeed, and Santino's rocks rarely hit visitors due to his poor aim.

TUESDAY, MARCH 10 The week continues with bad news for Seattle's rats and alley-based criminals, and good news for everyone else: Starting March 30, those big metal trash bins in Seattle's downtown, Belltown, and Pioneer Square neighborhoods will be no more, thanks to the new Clear Alleys program, which will see the replacement of the unwieldy and often disgusting metal bins with plastic bags that will be collected up to three times a day. Further details come from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, which reports the "often rusty and graffiti-littered trash bins are easy hiding places for drug dealers and prostitutes. Besides keeping alleys tidier, supporters hope the trash-bin-free plan will reduce nuisance crimes and increase pedestrian use of the alleys." The mastermind behind the switch: CleanScapes, the Seattle-based company started by advertising-executive-turned-freelance-civil-servant Chris Martin, who in 2001 was awarded a city grant to develop a trash-bin-free-alley pilot project. This year, when the City of Seattle's commercial garbage pickup contract with Allied Waste came up for bid, Martin pitched CleanScapes as a city-improving alternative and won the contract. Congratulations, CleanScapes, and RIP, downtown Dumpsters.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11 For what seems like half a century, Last Days has urged citizens contemplating murder/suicides to do the suicide part first. Tragically, yesterday in Alabama yet another shithead psycho refused to heed our advice, arming himself with two assault rifles, a shotgun, and a handgun before embarking on a killing spree that claimed 10 lives before our psycho finally turned his gun on himself. The Associated Press identifies the murderer-turned-suicide as Michael McLendon, a 28-year-old former factory worker and self-proclaimed survivalist with no known criminal record, who was reportedly inspired to commit his killings by an accumulation of vague family- and work-related grievances. The fatally shot include McLendon's mother and her four dogs (who were then set on fire); McLendon's grandmother, uncle, two cousins, and two of their friends (the wife and toddler daughter of a sheriff's deputy); and three innocent bystanders along McLendon's 20-mile murder route. As the AP reports, police chased McLendon to the meat-packing plant where he'd worked until he resigned in 2003, where McLendon exchanged gunfire with officers before entering the plant and doing what he should have done years ago: fatally shooting himself in the head. Condolences to all.

THURSDAY, MARCH 12 The week continues with the ridiculously gratifying indictment of Howard K. Stern, the garbage-hearted human who first penetrated Last Days' consciousness as the weasely lawyer who helped steer a bloated and drug-stuffed Anna Nicole Smith toward E!'s TV cameras for The Anna Nicole Show, and who was today charged with a slew of felonies stemming from his alleged stuffing of Smith with drugs, an overdose of which ended Smith's life in 2007. Also charged in the 11-count felony complaint: Drs. Sandeep Kapoor and Khristine Eroshevich, who with Stern stand accused of unlawfully prescribing a controlled substance, administering a controlled substance to an addict, and conspiracy. "These individuals repeatedly and excessively furnished thousands of prescription pills to Anna Nicole Smith, often for no legitimate medical purpose," said California attorney general Jerry Brown in a statement. The Associated Press reports Stern and Kapoor turned themselves in tonight and were released after posting $20,000 bond, while Eroshevich is expected to surrender Monday.

FRIDAY, MARCH 13 The week continues with another goddamn deadly rampage, this one in our own figurative backyard, as a Pierce County woman was found dead and her daughter badly wounded after a horrific ax attack. Details come from the (also-not-long-for-this-world) Seattle Post-Intelligencer, which identifies as the prime suspect the slain woman's 52-year-old estranged husband, whom she'd accused of domestic violence and who late this evening phoned 911 from his estranged wife's home to report his assault on his estranged wife and stepdaughter. Officers arrived to find the estranged wife (a King County corrections officer who'd taken out a restraining order against her husband) dead and her 33-year-old daughter (a specialist with the Renton police) seriously wounded. While the daughter was rushed to Harborview Medical Center, the alleged assailant was booked into Pierce County jail for investigation of first- degree domestic-violence murder and first-degree domestic-violence assault.

SATURDAY, MARCH 14 Nothing happened today, unless you count the death of yesterday's 33-year-old stepdaughter, whose ax-attack-related injuries claimed her life tonight at Harborview.

SUNDAY, MARCH 15 The week ends with, for fuck's sake, another psycho bloodbath, this one in Miami, where early this morning a man barged into a birthday party and fatally shot four people (his estranged wife, her mother, her daughter, and her daughter's boyfriend), then went home, set fire to his truck and house, and fatally shot himself. To reiterate a well-flogged point while paraphrasing Michael Jackson: When it's time to kill, start with the man in the mirror.

Dear God: Please stock next week with fewer deadly rampages. Everyone else, send Hot Tips to P.S., RIP, P-I. You will be missed.