MONDAY, JANUARY 9 As devoted Last Days readers are aware, last week's column was packed with fatal gunplay and babies swept into sewers and closed with a promise of better news next week. And so it is with great pleasure that Last Days informs you that this week's column contains some of the happiest news we've ever had the pleasure of reporting. But first comes a story from Iran, where a man has been left with a permanent semierection after tattooing his penis. Details come from ABC News, which reports that the 21-year-old in Kermanshah began his journey to permanent semibonerhood by having the phrase "borow be salaamat" ("good luck with your journeys") and the letter "M" (his girlfriend's initial) tattooed on his wang. As doctors from Kermanshah University of Medical Sciences wrote in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, "Most probably, the handheld needle penetrated the penis too deep, creating an arteriovenous fistula," leaving the man with nonischemic priapism—a condition wherein blood is unable to exit the penis. "Based on our unique case, we discourage penile tattooing," wrote doctors.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 10 Nothing happened today, unless you count the horrifying story out of Ohio in which the husband of a terminally ill woman fatally shot three of his relatives then himself following a dispute over whether the terminally ill woman should be fed toast or an orange. As the story conflicts with our better-news pledge, we shall ignore it.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11 The week continues in the happiest place on earth: North Korea, where the death of the country's mandatorily beloved leader, Kim Jong-il, has been followed by "criticism sessions," designed to suss out and punish citizens who failed to mourn Kim Jong-il hard enough. "The authorities are handing down at least six months in a labor-training camp to anybody who didn't participate in the organized gatherings during the mourning period, or who did participate but didn't cry and didn't seem genuine," reports the Daily NK (an online newspaper run by opponents of the North Korean government). "Furthermore... people who are accused of circulating rumors criticizing the country's third-generation dynastic system are also being sent to reeducation camps or being banished with their families to remote rural areas." Along with proper commemoration of the country's old, dead leader, authorities are concerned with stoking support for the presumed new leader: "Every day from 7 a.m. until 7 p.m. they have vehicles for broadcast propaganda parked on busy roads full of people going to and from work, noisily working to proclaim Kim Jong-un's greatness."
THURSDAY, JANUARY 12 In homier news, the week continues in thousands of homes across America, which may be at risk of radioactive contamination thanks to fancy tissue holders sold at Bed Bath & Beyond. "The contamination was first discovered in California when two packages bound for Bed Bath & Beyond stores in Santa Clara and San Jose containing four tissue holders triggered radiation alarms at truck scales," the Huffington Post reports. "Bed Bath & Beyond Inc. said in a statement today that its Dual Ridge Metal boutique tissue holder has been carried in about 200 of its stores since July." Today, Nuclear Regulatory Commission spokesman David McIntyre addressed the health risks of the radioactive tissue holders: "If someone has one of these, they could receive a small radiation dose from it," he said, comparing the year-long exposure levels of a contaminated tissue box to one or two chest X-rays. "There's no real health threat from these, but we advise people to return them." Bed Bath & Beyond agrees, issuing an official recall of the tissue holders today.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 13 The week continues with the aforementioned happiest news we've ever had the pleasure of reporting, which may be a bit of an overstatement, but it's a justifiable one. Today's subjects: the Kardashians, that craptastic faux dynasty that first got O. J. Simpson acquitted for murder and then took over the entertainment industry on the strength of daughter Kim's meticulously produced-and-marketed sex tape. So great is Last Days' distaste for all things Kardashian that we're willing to celebrate an obvious hit piece from a dubious source, the New York Post, which today reports that the end of the Kardashian Era is upon us. "Everything the reality family touches turns absolutely toxic—with party promoters, magazine editors and television execs all scrambling to blacklist them, insiders told the Post," reports, uh, the Post. "The wheels came off Kim Kardashian's caboose in October, when she filed for divorce from Nets forward Kris Humphries after 72 days of a sham marriage. E!'s Kardashian TV franchise—Keeping Up with the Kardashians—suffered a 14 percent dip in Nielsen ratings, from 3.5 million viewers per episode last season to 3 million this season. Circulation at Us Weekly, In Touch, Life & Style, and OK! dropped about 18 percent when a Kardashian was on the cover in December, publishers said. Even shoemaker Skechers ditched Kim as the face of the company in 2011—they've replaced her with a French bulldog."
And whereas party promoters were once willing to fork over hundreds of thousands of dollars for the honor of hosting a Kardashian, now it's the opposite. "I'd pay her $600,000 personally not to go to Red Egg," said nightclub co-owner Travis Bass to the Post. "Kim Kardashian would be crushing to us. We'd have a meeting Monday and talk about how that happened." Dear God: Please let this stupid New York Post piece prove to be accurate. Amen.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 14 The week continues in Seattle, where this evening on Capitol Hill, roughly 50 protesters marched on the Seattle Police Department's East Precinct to call for the resignation of Chief John Diaz and an end to police brutality. Unfortunately, the sane anti-police brutality message was overwhelmed by assholeishness, thanks to marchers carrying torches and a banner reading "All Cops Are Bastards." "Some of the protesters verbally abused officers as the police stood by calmly listening to the barrage of swear words and comments on masculinity," reports Seattlepi.com's Joshua Trujillo. Dear outspoken foes of police brutality: Thank you for all you do, but please realize that carrying a banner calling all cops bastards is no different than carrying a banner calling all blacks criminals or all homosexuals child molesters. Reckless generalization is reckless generalization. Please stop being assholes.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 15 Nothing happened today, unless you count the beginnings of Seattle Snowpocalypse 2012, which, by the time you read this, will have either paralyzed the region or disappeared in a soggy poof.
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