Today was Memorial Day, the national holiday honoring members of the armed forces who lost their lives defending our country in war. Unfortunately, Seattle's official Memorial Day parade was canceled last year due to lack of interest, and now the holiday is commemorated locally by the closing of banks, the crowding of public campgrounds, and the widespread consumption of booze. Still, thanks for dying, fellas.

Nothing brightens a day like a tale of celebrity stupidity — and today was positively glaring, thanks to this tidbit offered on the website Mr. Showbiz concerning Lost Boys has-been Corey Feldman. In an interview with Steppin' Out ("North Jersey's and Southern New York's #1 Entertainment Magazine") the furious Feldman blasts Oscar-winning superstars Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. "How can I not be bitter when I wake up knowing every single day that it should be me up there winning the Academy Award?" asks the star of recent straight-to-video titles like Bordello of Blood and Meatballs 4. Corey also has a bone to pick with Affleck's sometime sweetie Gwyneth Paltrow: "She's not a great actress! She did 20 movies in four years because her parents are in the business!" (O, who in the power-mad world of Hollywood can stay the mighty influential hand of Blythe Danner?) In closing, Feldman offers this inspirational tidbit: "I know that my talent is so great that I'm capable of anything." Feldman fans can catch Corey in action in the forthcoming soft porn film Remember Me?, co-starring Tonya Harding and Yahoo Serious.

Today: More celebrity hubris, this time with a local twist. Early this afternoon, down on Pier 62/63, popular (and reportedly very sexy) Mariners shortstop A-Rod was hawking hot dogs for charity. A very eloquent Last Days Hot Tipper reports that a good time was being had by all — until a little girl made the mistake of asking "The Rod" for his autograph. Apparently autographs weren't on the menu. When the little girl told her hero that she had come all the way from Everett just to see him, she was informed by The Rod's representatives that there would be no autographs, but she was welcome to buy a charity hot dog for a buck. Crushed, the little girl walked away — after which A-Rod happily signed a collection of shirts and hats for the suits and cops standing nearby. Says our shocked eyewitness: "I haven't seen such blatant disregard for young fans since the Monkees played the Fred Meyer in Marysville in 1987."

Surprise, surprise: Another icky Christian. Today the youth pastor at Tacoma's Bethel Christian Assembly Church was charged with eight counts of rape and child molestation in what police say was a four-year series of assaults on at least 17 adolescent boys, reports The Seattle P-I. The sexual attacks came to light on Tuesday, when a church elder "became suspicious" and confronted youth pastor Herman Glenn at a revival service; Glenn promptly confessed to raping or molesting 17 children, resigned from his church post, and wrote letters of apology to church officials and his victims (Miss Manners would be proud). Prosecutors say Glenn pressured the 13- to 15-year-old boys into having sex with him by convincing them he had an evil alter-ego he couldn't get rid of without sexual favors, and led his victims to believe the sexual activity occurred while he was sleepwalking. Glenn has pleaded not guilty to the criminal charges (which carry a maximum penalty of life in prison), and is currently being held in the Pierce County Jail in lieu of $75,000 bail.

While Arthur Miller's Goodie-accusin', poppet-pokin' witch trial classic The Crucible wowed the crowds at A Contemporary Theater, another group of local citizens wrangled with murderous accusations of witchcraft. Today at Seattle University, students in the history class "Origins of Western Civilization" recreated the diabolical persecution that ripped through Europe during the 17th century by staging mock witch trials — and Last Days was there to catch it all! Upon spotting a gaggle of students in nuns' habits smoking cigarettes in the outdoor atrium, we were led into the classroom, where ferocious student inquisitors prodded accused witches with medieval torture devices and potty-mouthed questions: "How often do you play hide the kielbasa with the Devil?" asked one. Even fellow students seemed surprised at the intensity of the proceedings. After one student (a cute young man in a long blond wig and bra) accused another of using witchcraft to shrivel his genitals, another commented, "Wow — I didn't know this was going to be Eddie Murphy Raw."
> > Also today: Coolio! This afternoon the rap superstar visited a local radio station, where he was taken to lunch by a group of employees. Over the course of the meal, the Big C revealed that he was suffering from back strain and was in the market for a good massage therapist. When a station employee dared to recommend a highly capable masseur, the dready-headed rapper got all itchy. He announced that there was no way he could relax with "some man's hands" all over his fine self. Our friendly employee politely enquired, "Afraid of what might come up?" — then, wisely, left the room. (On an unfortunate closing note, Coolio's Seattle performance has been canceled due to underwhelming ticket sales.)

Nothing good happened today.

Every now and again, it's good to step back, take a deep breath, and reflect on the ways that you've fucked up. And in the spirit of self-critique we'd like to devote today's item to appeasing Last Days' various critics. First up is the reader who took exception to our description of geeky Star Wars fans as "spastic." We did not mean to make light of spastic paralysis, a chronic condition marked by persistent muscle spasms and exaggerated tendon reflexes caused by damage to the central nervous system. We were simply being colloquial, and, yes, lazy. A number of readers also wrote in to point out our mistake in repeatedly referring to the food supplement/party drug GHB as "GBH." This gaffe we blame squarely on our favorite druggie, who served as consultant for the item and who swore on a stack of Bibles that GBH was correct. (We've learned an invaluable lesson: Never take spelling tips from a speed freak.) Lastly, we would like to appeal to all those devoted Seattleites who saw red over our prolonged denunciation of the Space Needle. For the past couple weeks, we have had the pleasure of house-sitting a condo (if that's possible) that features a gorgeous view of the much-loved Needle, and at long last we are ready to admit that perhaps it is not so ugly after all. Mea culpa.

All good things come to those who send in Hot Tips. E-mail, or call the 24-Hour Hot Tips Hotline at 323-7101 ext 3113.