David Schmader will return next week.
MONDAY, JUNE 11 This week of transportation horrors and violently heroic dads kicks off on a highway outside of Glasgow, Montana, where 39-year-old Ray Dolin, a hobbyist hitchhiker working on a book called Kindness in America, was reportedly shot in the arm by a stranger offering him a lift. Dolin was just enjoying a picnic on the side of the highway, minding his own business, when the driver "pulls up at a normal speed, stops, points, shoots, and drives off," as Dolin told the Associated Press. "It's as simple as that."
Hours later, police arrested 52-year-old Washington State resident Lloyd Christopher Danielson III and charged him with felony assault in connection with the shooting, as well as suspicion of driving under the influence. Laid up in the hospital with a gunshot wound, Dolin valiantly related to reporters his intention to finish his book despite the attackâthat is, until Thursday, when Danielson will be cleared of involvement and Dolin will finally admit to authorities that he shot himself and blamed a stranger in "a desperate act of self-promotion," according to the AP. The lesson here: Not all hitchhikers are hatchet-wielding psychopaths; some are liars with a messed-up sense of irony. Either way, it's a stupid name for a book.
TUESDAY, JUNE 12 "This happened so long ago that it may be past some sort of hot-tip statute-of-limitations, but it's taken me until now to confront this nightmare," begins Hot Tipper Walter. "Years ago (in 2006), I was on the 44 crossing Broadway when I spotted an overweight man wearing extremely small cutoff jeans and a blouse that was tied Daisy Dukeâstyle, exposing his belly. He was rubbing his fingers against the worst herpes outbreak I have ever seen; it spread completely over one side of his mouth. He then used the same hand to hold on to the pole next to his seat! HE WAS TOUCHING THINGS ON THE BUS THAT OTHER PEOPLE HOLD ON TO FOR BALANCE! I got off, ran to my apartment, and showered for two hours. To this day, I can't take a bus without feeling an urge to boil myself." Thanks, Walter, for proving that the only safe way to travel these days is inside a full-body condom.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13 In lighter news, a Massachusetts college student is facing assault charges "by dangerous weapon/sauce" after admitting that he attacked his girlfriend with a pair of $200 jeans covered in wasabi. Details come from the Smoking Gun, which reports today that 22-year-old John McGuinness was heading home from a bar with his girlfriend when the couple got into a fight because, as he allegedly told police later, "some guy she slept with in school was texting her." Shortly after leaving McGuinness's house in her car, the girlfriend received a text (LOL!) from McGuinness "stating that he had my $200 pair of jeans and he was throwing them outside," as she later told police. But when she returned to retrieve her jeans, McGuinness "came out to the driveway with my jeans covered in wasabi sauce." Twist! He then allegedly proceeded to whip his girlfriend in the face with the impromptu picnic pants, blinding her, before he allegedly threw her to the ground and coated the inside of her 2007 Toyota Camry with the condiment. Responding police dutifully note the vehicle "was covered in wasabi sauce." (Aside: Who has this much wasabi on hand??? Could this be an example of the kindness of Costco? Put this in your book, Dolin, in the appendix!) McGuinness was arrested and placed in a police cruiser, where he admitted, "I did put the wasabi sauce on her jeans, but she has done worse to my car in the past." He added: "I want it known I am not drunk and she is."
THURSDAY, JUNE 14 Today, two Michigan state representativesâLisa Brown and Barb Byrumâwere barred from speaking on the statehouse floor following outbursts described as "so offensive, I don't even want to say it in front of women," as one state representative told the Detroit News. Their offense? Mentioning the words "vagina" and "vasectomy" during impassioned speeches condemning a conservative anti-choice bill that would ban abortions after 20 weeks unless a woman's life was in danger. Brown is Jewish; in her speech, she explained that under Jewish law, abortions performed in instances to save the life of the motherâat any stage in pregnancyâare not only encouraged, they're mandatory. "I have not asked you to adopt and adhere to my religious beliefs," Brown eloquently said. "Why are you asking me to adopt yours?" She concluded, "I'm flattered that you're all so interested in my vagina, but 'no' means 'no.'" Meanwhile, Byrum, a fellow Democrat, was censured for introducing a bill that would require men to prove that their life was in danger before they were allowed to receive a vasectomy. Even though this marks the first reported instance of Michigan representatives being banned from speaking on the statehouse floor, a spokesman for Michigan's Republican Speaker of the House claimed the women weren't silenced for using "vulgar" terms like "vagina" and "vasectomy," but rather for throwing "temper tantrums." Because to the GOP, women fighting for their reproductive rights is synonymous with fussy children who need a nap.
FRIDAY, JUNE 15 In horror of another stripe, today investigators released the name of the man beaten to death on June 9 in central Texas, after a father allegedly caught the man molesting his 5-year-old daughter. The Father's Dayâthemed horror began when a routine horseshoeing was interrupted by the little girl's screams, and the 23-year-old father, who has not been identified, allegedly caught Jesus Mora Flores, 47, on top of his child in a nearby pasture with his underwear down, reports the Houston Chronicle. An autopsy by the medical examiner's office, according to the LA Times, found that Flores died from "blunt force head and neck injury." Lavaca County sheriff Micah Harmon said the father was "distraught" and "very remorseful" and did not intend to kill Flores; nevertheless, a special grand jury will soon decide what charges, if any, the father will face as a result of the homicide.
â˘â˘ Speaking of every parent's nightmare, today the LA Times also reports that a San Francisco couple stands accused of murdering their 17-year-old daughter's alleged pimp. A criminal complaint filed by the San Francisco District Attorney's office contends that Barry Laprell Gilton and Lupe Mercado made their first attempt to kill 22-year-old Calvin Sneed, a known Compton gang member, with a 9-millimeter handgun on May 27 because Sneed was reportedly pimping out their daughter in escort ads. After striking out once, the couple allegedly orchestrated a drive-by shooting on June 4, in which they succeeded in killing him. (Friends describe them as "dedicated" parents.) Both Gilton and Mercado deny the charges. According to the complaint, they each face one count of murder, one count of discharging a firearm into an occupied motor vehicle, and one count of conspiracy to commit murder.
SATURDAY, JUNE 16 Today, 45 minutes of sun graced the Seattle skyline, and the city wept for joy.
SUNDAY, JUNE 17 Nothing happened today, unless (a) you have a father, and (b) you happen to love him.
Send hot tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.
