David Schmader will return next week. Meanwhile, take it away, Cienna Madrid!

MONDAY, AUGUST 27 This week of heartless leftovers and GOP gag reels kicks off with a plea and a prayer from 58-year-old Reverend Feliciano Torres Mofan, who, as CBS News reports, today posted $2,500 bail and pled not guilty to misdemeanor charges of lewd conduct and being nude in a California state park not far from San Francisco. Mofan's alleged crimes? Sidling up to a park ranger in China Camp State Park, allegedly propositioning him for sex, and then allegedly waving his holy wang in the ranger's face for good measure, according to the Marin Independent Journal. Far from being impressed, the ranger—who was patrolling the park following reports of clothes, condoms, and other sex-related "waste" littering the grounds—promptly arrested Mofan, who promptly outed himself as a priest. But Mofan's archdiocese was quick to look on the bright side of the bust: "The allegations, which do not involve a minor, come as a surprise to us," read a statement released to the press. If the Catholic Church has learned little else from its years of near-weekly sex scandals, it's that when God gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold.

•• Speaking of gold-plated turds, the Republican National Convention kicked off in Tampa, Florida, under the watchful eye of Hurricane Isaac. Sadly for Ann Romney, her hotly anticipated keynote speech on The Many Ways Her Husband Is Unlike a Robot was unexpectedly eclipsed today by the GOP's ongoing campaign to make "rape" more family friendly. Today's star: Tom Smith, the Republican candidate for one of Pennsylvania's US Senate seats, who compared rape—i.e., unlawful, nonconsensual sex—to his daughter's consensual sex life (and resulting out-of-wedlock pregnancy). "Put yourself in a father's position. Yes, I mean it is similar," the wannabe senator mused at a press conference. And, as Pennsylvania's Patriot-News reports, if elected, Smith wouldn't let something as trivial as rape inform his position on abortion. "I believe life begins at conception," he said. "I'm not going to argue about the method of that conception." Because whatever the context, what are women if not Easy-Bake Ovens for poppin' out God's army?

•• This horrendously long Monday continues in Montana, where today the Los Angeles Times reports that a man pacing along a two-lane highway while dressed in exotic military camouflage that made him look like a hairy beast—presumably to spark Bigfoot sightings among motorists—was instead struck by two teenage drivers who failed to notice him. Randy Lee Tenley, 44, was declared dead outside of Kalispell late Sunday night, according to the LA Times. "This is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. Really," said Montana Highway Patrol Lieutenant Colonel Butch Huseby.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 28 The week continues with a freaky Tupperware party on America's wang, which commenced when a man in Pensacola, Florida, hoping to score expensive jewelry or antiques à la the hit A&E series Storage Wars, bid on an auctioned storage locker and instead found himself inside a creepy episode of Hoarders. "After being overpowered by a strange smell while sifting through furniture and boxes," the man discovered more than 100 putrifying human organs poorly stored in unlabeled Tupperware and disposable cups, reports the Associated Press, which adds this circus-of-the-damned detail: "Investigators found formaldehyde, a chemical used to embalm and preserve bodies, leaking from a 32-ounce drink cup with a cracked lid that was holding a heart." It's unclear how or why the organs came to be in the unit, as its previous tenant, former medical examiner Dr. Michael Berkland, told facility managers at Uncle Bob's Self Storage he planned to keep "household goods and office furniture there," the company told the AP. No charges have yet been filed against Berkland, and there's not much hope in reuniting the organs with their owners. "Officials are also trying to locate family members, but many of the organs are not labeled, making it nearly impossible to identify them," the AP states.Condolences to all of the Florida families who must now live with the niggling fear that their aunt's heart or dad's testicles were Ball jar'd or Big Gulped in a windowless shack at Uncle Bob's Self Storage.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29 Today brings us kicking and screaming back to the RNC, where top donors of the Romney Victory Council—elite million- and billionaires who've each raised more than $1 million for the nominee—partied with Romney relatives and top Republican insiders off the coast of Florida aboard a 150-foot luxury yacht unironically named Cracker Bay. Making this news even sweeter, ABC News reports that Cracker Bay was proudly flying the Cayman Islands flag, which is a nice reminder for the public that even as Romney's presidential bid belongs to the good people of Cracker Bay, his heart to Middle America, and his soul to the Mormon Church, his vast fortune still belongs to a series of offshore tax havens, far from the prying eyes of the federal government he hopes to someday run.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 30 In news that makes my heart sing, today the world watched Mitt Romney get upstaged by an empty chair. It was the climax of this week's ongoing GOP gag reel, and the setup was ripe. Rumors that a hologram Ronald Reagan would introduce Mitt Romney swirled around the internet for days, but since the GOP prides itself on being pro-life job creators, the job ultimately went to a live-er Hollywood star: Clint Eastwood. But instead of talking for five minutes to his audience of cooing Republicans, Eastwood spent 10 minutes talking to an empty chair he called "Mr. Obama." The whole speech was as brain-stompingly weird as meticulously collecting strangers' organs only to store them in not-exactly-Tupperware.

"I wondered about when the—what do you want me to tell Romney?" Eastwood asked the chair, as if it had interrupted him. (It hadn't.) "I can't tell him to do that. I can't tell him to do that to himself," Eastwood said. "You're absolutely crazy." No one knows what exactly Romney said when he finally took the stage, because no one but crickets and the legless were still around to hear it. Most Americans were too busy parodying ol' Scoldy Chair and posting the results to every available social media platform. Leading the pack was President Obama himself, whose campaign promptly tweeted a photo of him sitting in the Oval Office with the message "This seat's taken."

FRIDAY, AUGUST 31 Today brought the death of Seattle resident Yancy Noll, an avid outdoorsman who was shot during an apparent road-rage incident in Maple Leaf. "He was a kayaker," his friend Colin writes to Last Days. "Which is exactly what we'd have done together over the Labor Day weekend if some ego-fueled idiot in a silver BMW convertible hadn't felt the need to vent his road rage with such lethal firepower. Instead, Yancy Noll is DEAD, and dozens of people wept and mourned at his apartment building Sunday, while his faithful dog Lola moved continuously through the crowd looking for her master who would never arrive." Police are still looking for the suspect, described by KOMO TV as "a well-dressed white or Asian man in his 20s or 30s with slicked-back dark hair" driving a silver convertible BMW Z4.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 1 Today people panicked about an outbreak of hantavirus that has claimed two lives at Yosemite National Park, leading to "unprecedented cancellations," reports the LA Times. The moral of the story: Don't play with rodent poo, kids. (Also: We are doomed.)

SUNDAY, SEPEMBER 2 Nothing happened today, unless you count sun and music festivals.

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