David Schmader will return next week.
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 This week of wangs on parade kicks off in Carson City—Nevada's 12th Most Interesting City™—where workers clearing out the tract home of an anti-government recluse stumbled on an unexpected jackpot: a small fortune in gold doubloons. Details come from the Los Angeles Times, which reports that the home belonged to Walter Samaszko Jr., a man described as a loner with few friends, a bad heart, and only $200 in his bank account. "He had been dead at least a month when neighbors called authorities," according to the LA Times. But by god, the man was a classy hoarder: "Hidden throughout the house were other treasures—including gold bars and coins valued at $7 million." "We found [gold coins] in sealed boxes marked 'books.' We also found gold wrapped in tinfoil stored in ammunition boxes," Alan Glover, the Carson City Clerk-Recorder, told the LA Times. "There was just more and more. We found a family silver set with rolls of US $20s and Mexican five peso coins." Authorities eventually used metal detectors to locate the entire hoard, which was stashed throughout the house. The coins dated as far back as the 1840s and came from England, Austria, Mexico, and South Africa. Officials also uncovered stockpiles of $165,000 and $12,000 in cash. Finally, city officials used a list of attendees from Samaszko's mother's funeral to track his first cousin to California and inform her that she's a newly minted millionaire. "This will be good for her," Glover said, embracing the obvious. "She's a substitute school teacher who lives in an apartment." The horror!
•• In other news, today Mother Jones released a secretly recorded video of Mitt Romney telling a roomful of wealthy Republican donors that America is being overrun by welfare queens. "There are 47 percent who are with [President Obama], who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it," Romney said. Remember: This obscenely rich chowder-head despises the poor (gold hoarders probably excluded), dismisses the middle class, and wants to be your next president.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 Speaking of horrible things that cannot be unsaid, a Florida farmhand has denied having sex with his miniature donkey but admits that he does routinely "use his fingers and saliva to clean the donkey's clitoris and check for wood shavings and debris," as the Smoking Gun reports today. Thirty-one-year-old Carlos Romero was arrested on August 15 after a man reported seeing him in a tack room "up against the rear of the donkey" with his shirt off and pants down, states the police report. (The report doesn't name the donkey, presumably to protect her identity.) When confronted by officers, Romero said that he does occasionally stand behind the donkey and scratch her withers while he masturbates, but only because "he likes the way the fur feels on his testicles." We wish this were the end, but it isn't: Romero then conceded that "his penis may have come in contact with the donkey's vagina by accident and his semen may have splattered inside the donkey by accident" five or six times, the report added, to our eyeballs' chagrin (and now yours). Romero stated that "Florida is a backward state and people frown on zoophilia here."
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 You know what else makes people frown? Sunning your erection in a public park. Seattlepi.com reports today that a 23-year-old woman was walking her dog in a North Seattle park when she spotted a man topless with his pants around his ankles. That wasn't all: He was masturbating, the woman later told police, and staring at her. But when police confronted the alleged nudist, Tracy J. McDonald, about aggressively wagging his dong at ladies, he denied it. "He said he was getting 'some sun,'" Detective Donna Stangeland explained in court documents, even though "there was absolutely no sun where he was standing." King County prosecutors weren't buying it—especially given the 44-year-old's two prior convictions for felony indecent exposure and three convictions for misdemeanor indecent exposure. McDonald has been subsequently charged with one count of felony indecent exposure (and has similar charges pending in Snohomish County).
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 The week continues with news of a Washington woman convicted of attempting to decapitate her husband with an electric saw as he slept. The good news: Renee Bishop-McKean's plan failed when "the noise of the saw woke the victim last October 14 and he fought his wife off," reports the Seattle Times. The stupid news: In her defense, the 44-year-old claimed that a deranged intruder climbed through the bedroom window and attempted to saw her husband's head off. The bad news: Prosecutors proved that the window opened only a few inches and "jurors were told the woman invited her husband over"—they were living apart at the time—"and told him to sleep on a mattress that she had wrapped in plastic, then covered with normal sheets." The plastic-covered bed was located right next to a stockpile of bleach, an electric saw, a hatchet, and large garbage bags. (Bishop-McKean was also found guilty of first-degree assault for hitting him in the head with the hatchet and a mallet.) As our own thrice-divorced mother is fond of saying: If you're too stupid for divorce, you're too incompetent for murder.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 Nothing happened today, unless you count Rush Limbaugh's ridiculous claims that "feminazis" have shrunk male penis size by 10 percent with their scientifically perplexing, junk-shrinking feminine mystique.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 Today, Capitol Hill residents and lovers of gay love raised $15,776 for Washington United for Marriage, the campaign urging voters to approve Referendum 74, and thus gay marriage, in our state. Residents of the Granada and New McDermott apartment buildings organized the joint fundraiser after the buildings' anti-gay owners, Breier-Scheetz Properties, tried to stop tenants from holding a pro-gay-marriage fundraiser in August. When they were unsuccessful, the management company then donated $20,000 to the anti-gay-marriage campaign. Breier-Scheetz owns eight residential buildings on Capitol Hill—meaning they collect rent from hundreds of gay and gay-friendly residents. "We're not stopping until we match their donation of $20,000," says Hot Tipper (and party organizer) April.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 The week ends with a hot tip, courtesy of Hot Tipper Sarah: "Just saw a guy who physically resembled and was dressed exactly like Where's Waldo—minus the hat—pissing into a demolition site in South Lake Union. Broad daylight. He looked angry."
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