MONDAY, JULY 7

The week began with the suggestion of a horrifying new trend as, two weeks after the murder conviction of Chante Mallard, the Associated Press reported the case of another motorist who hit a pedestrian, then drove home with the body lodged in the windshield. Thankfully, similarities between today's case and that of Chante Mallard (AKA Windshield Wanda, and "the worst nurse in the world") are strictly superficial, not least of all because today's driver--19-year-old Daniel Dradeen of DeLeon Springs, Florida--immediately reported his collision to the police. Florida authorities first learned of the accident--which occurred Friday, July 4, near midnight--after receiving a 911 call reporting a pair of legs found near a bar parking lot. Soon after came a second call--this one from the home of Ronald Brownie, where Daniel Dradeen was living and had driven after colliding with 57-year-old Joseph Markert, whose dead and legless body was lodged in Dradeen's windshield. Police say Markert was attempting to cross a DeLeon Springs highway at the time of the collision. "It's the pedestrian's fault," said Florida Highway Patrol spokesperson Kim Miller. "[Markert] was wearing dark clothing. The poor kid was in the wrong place at the wrong time." And as Dradeen was sober at the time of his crash (as opposed to Windshield Wanda, who was high on E, pot, and impending infamy), no hit-and-run charges will be filed.

·· Also: Today brought a stunning conclusion to the tumultuous TV career of Michael Savage, the shock jock known for his fearless cultural insensitivity and caustic manner who began a weekly program on MSNBC back in March. MSNBC's hiring of Savage drew immediate fire from gay-advocacy group GLAAD, who launched an advertiser-education campaign highlighting some of Savage's more egregious crimes against sensitivity (including frequent denunciations of "homosexual perversion" and "the Turd World") and promptly scared off every major advertiser. Nevertheless, all was relatively well in Savageland until July 5, when Savage asked an on-air caller if he was "one of those sodomists," then instructed the caller (who answered affirmatively) to "get AIDS and die." This morning GLAAD challenged MSNBC to honor its promise to can Savage if he crossed the line, and to Last Days' surprise and delight, the network immediately complied, firing Michael Savage immediately. To quote Nelson Mandela, "To be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others." And to quote Nelson Muntz, "HA, ha!"


TUESDAY, JULY 8

Today brought countless reports of what will forever be known as the narrowly averted "Matrix massacre," the alleged-and-foiled plan by three teens to murder three of their classmates, then kill "as many people as possible" in the streets of Oaklyn, New Jersey. Thanks to a combination of good luck and crappy crime skills, the would-be massacre was foiled during its first step, when the trio's prospective carjack victim managed to drive away and alert police. After a short, tense standoff, the three teens--an unnamed 14-year-old, an unnamed 15-year-old, and 18-year-old Matthew Lovett--were apprehended, with police telling reporters of the trio's dark Matrix-style trench coats (the couture calling card of contemporary psychos) and shocking stash of weapons, including shotguns, handguns, knives, swords, and more than 2,000 rounds of ammunition. As for motive, peers told reporters about Matthew Lovett's little brother, whose severe cleft palate made both brothers subject to years of mind-fucking schoolyard cruelty, with Matthew Lovett allegedly keeping an enemies list since elementary school. All three of the young men involved in the would-be massacre have been charged with carjacking and conspiracy to commit murder; the unnamed youths are being held in a juvenile detention facility, and Matthew Lovett is being held in jail on $1 million bail. According to news reports, the allegedly murderous trio "didn't plan on being taken alive." Last Days offers our condolences.

·· Also: Two weeks ago, Last Days published two eyewitness reports of a large naked man with prodigious hair and itty-bitty genitals strolling around Westlake Center. Tonight, the man again graced Westlake with his hirsute nudity, and thank God someone had a camera.


WEDNESDAY, JULY 9

Masser and Creed wrote it, Whitney sang it, we believe it: The children are our future. Unfortunately, judging from today's news items, our future is fucked. Case number one involves Stephanie Ramos, a severely disabled eight-year-old girl living in foster care in New York City--at least until this morning, when her dead body was found in a New York garbage truck. The Associated Press reports that Stephanie--described as physically underdeveloped, weighing just 28 pounds, and unable to see, speak, or walk--was first reported missing on Tuesday by her foster mother, who soon told investigators the truth: After discovering Stephanie dead, the foster mom "panicked," put the girl's body in a trash bag, and placed it next to sacks of garbage lining a Manhattan sidewalk. The foster mother remains in police custody while investigators determine the cause of Stephanie Ramos' death. Case number two involves Emerald Brooke Champagne-Loop, the two-year-old Bellingham girl whose triumphant name couldn't protect her from the fatal brain injuries she allegedly received at the hands of her nanny's ex-fiancé. Today brought the arrest of the unnamed 21-year-old suspect, who's being held on suspicion of first-degree assault following doctors' testimony that Emerald Champagne-Loop's brain injuries could not have been accidental, but most likely resulted from the child being violently shaken or hit. (If there's one way to win back your fiancée, it's beating up a baby.)

THURSDAY, JULY 10

Nothing happened today (unless you count Senator Rick Santorum's hysterical USA Today editorial about the impending, deadly threat of gay marriage).


FRIDAY, JULY 11

Nothing happened today (unless you count the two sheriff's deputies in Tampa, Florida, who were hospitalized after eating broken glass mixed with the onions on their McDonald's cheeseburgers).


SATURDAY, JULY 12

Nothing happened today (unless you count that humongous Block Party).


SUNDAY, JULY 13

The week ends with the patriotic controversy swirling around the meaty booty of Beyoncé Knowles, the Destiny's Child-queen-turned-solo-star currently under fire for dancing in a "patently inappropriate way" on the steps of Grant's Tomb. The dance in question took place as part of NBC's Fourth of July special, which featured a scantily clad Beyoncé performing on the steps to the tomb containing former U.S. President Ulysses S. Grant. Yahoo! News reports that Frank Scaturro, president of the Grant Monument Association, wrote letters to NBC, the National Park Service, and Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton, criticizing the government and the network for allowing the performance. So far, neither NBC nor Beyoncé has issued statements on the fracas, so Last Days was forced to turn to Yahoo!'s message boards for a fascinating portrait of the real America online, ranging from the typical bullshit ("What do you expect from a ghetto slut?") to hilarious delights ("It wasn't like she went inside"). But the best summation came from a 36-year-old male from San Jose, California: "I hope when I die some woman as hot as her dances on my grave."

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