MONDAY, APRIL 27 This week of nonstop swine-flu obsession spiked with public- hygiene grotesqueries kicks off today right here in Seattle, where today the police announced the arrest of a man who stands accused of being an unusually forthright psycho, searching for a would-be murder victim on Craigslist. Details come from The Stranger's Jonah Spangenthal-Lee, who shared specifics of the police report on Slog-the-Stranger-blog. The arrestee: a 24-year-old Kent man who came to the attention of Seattle police after they received a tip about a freaky posting on Craigslist. Titled "A strange desire," the post laid out its aims in plain language (sic and sick throughout): "I have a very strange thing that I want to do. I would like to meet a woman to fuck... but here's the catch; just as I'm about to fill her pussy with cum... I want to kill her. Serious iquiries only please." Lucky for all, the most serious inquiry came from undercover vice detectives, who responded to the man's ad and received an e-mail in which the man allegedly agreed he was "looking for someone who wanted to be killed." More problematic: Following a conversational lead laid out by undercover detectives, the man also allegedly expressed his willingness to "kill an unwitting participant" and eventually discussed payment for the act. After dozens of e-mail exchanges, the man agreed to meet his would-be victim yesterday at a Seattle motel, where he was arrested and booked into King County Jail for investigation of attempted murder. On Thursday, Shawn Tyler Skelton will be charged with conspiracy to commit second-degree murder and ordered held on $1 million bail. If convicted, he faces more than 13 years in prison.
TUESDAY, APRIL 28 Speaking of morbidly fascinating freaks: The week continues with David Hasselhoff, who took time out of his busy hasselhoffing schedule to visit the swanky downtown Seattle nightclub the Triple Door, where tonight the Hoff reportedly engaged in a fascinating cycle of fighting and loving and fighting. Details and the final word come from the Triple Door manager's nightly log: "The highlight definitely was David Hasselhoff showing up completely wasted, getting into a fight with his wife, making out with his wife, fighting some more, then ditching the rest of his group and getting in a cab and leaving. Wow."
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29 Today brings the first of the week's Hot Tips from the streets of Seattle mixing the hot-button issues of public transit and mid-would-be-pandemic hygiene with the eternal fascination of human behavior. "I was waiting in Fremont for the #28 Metro going to Broadview," reports Hot Tipper Chris. "There was this middle-aged, heavyset man with an effeminate demeanor asking bizarre questions and making motorboat noises with his mouth. When my bus came, he boarded with me, continuing his bizarre questioning with the driver. But what compelled me to write to you was that just before my stop, he started licking his hands and rubbing them all over his face and through his hair. Essentially, washing his face cat-style. He topped it off by flipping his hair and asking no one in particular, diva-style, 'Who the hell am I?' That's a question that may never be answered."
THURSDAY, APRIL 30 Nothing happened today, unless you count the continuation of the week's all-encompassing swine-flu concerns and/or the horror that unfolded at a Queen's Day parade in the Netherlands, where a car speeding toward the royal family's motorcade veered into the assembled crowd, sending scores of people flying into the air and killing five.
FRIDAY, MAY 1 The week continues with (more) sad news for people driven to buy "as seen on TV!" diet supplements, as today the Food and Drug Administration warned consumers to immediately stop using Hydroxycut, the popular "natural" supplement that's been linked to serious liver damage and at least one death. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports nine million packages of Hydroxycut were sold in 2008, adding, "Dietary supplements aren't as tightly regulated by the government as medications. Manufacturers don't need to prove to the FDA that their products are safe and effective before they can sell them to consumers." Complicating things further: Health officials say they've been unable to determine which Hydroxycut ingredients are potentially toxic, in part because the formula keeps changing. For what it's worth, the maker of Hydroxycut—the Canadian company Iovate Health Sciences—has agreed to recall all Hydroxycut products, citing "an abundance of caution."
SATURDAY, MAY 2 "I was riding the 72 express bus going downtown," reports Hot Tipper Funkmaster Seth. "As we passed through the U-District, what seemed like 400 drunk UW students got on the bus en route to a Mariners game. As we were going through Eastlake—about 5 to 10 minutes away from the next stop—one guy exclaimed that he needed to pee right away. Sure enough, one of his buddies supplied him with a plastic bag, and he whipped it out and started pissing. As he was doing so, he noticed the bag started to leak and started freaking out. After much conversation, during which half of the bag's contents dripped out onto the bus floor, they forced the back bus doors open and threw the bag out into the street. These are the future leaders of our world."
SUNDAY, MAY 3 The week ends with a final Hot Tip from the streets of Seattle mixing the hot-button issues of public transit and mid-would-be-pandemic hygiene with the eternal fascination of human behavior. Today's eyewitness: Hot Tipper SAE, who was riding the 131 bus into downtown this afternoon when "an inconspicuous lady boarded and prepared to sit down." As SAE reports, these preparations involved covering the seat with a plastic grocery bag and mumbling about the idiots surrounding her. Once seated, "She produced a container of Clorox wipes, removed her footwear, and proceeded to give her gnarly feet a meticulous rubdown with the dexterity of a preening cat (in between the toes and everything). Somewhere among her mumblings was a comment about her warts hurting. I could only imagine her pissing herself while waiting for the bus, thus the grocery-bag seat cover and foot wipe-down."
Speaking of questionable performance art: This Friday, May 8, brings the third annual Stranger Gong Show to Chop Suey, hosted by me and starring dozens of your fearless fellow citizens, one of whom will leave with a $300 cash prize. For full info, see thestranger.com/gongshow. Send Hot Tips to email@example.com.