MONDAY, AUGUST 18

The week began with an unfortunate bang today as Reuters reported the story of the Norwegian man who accidentally shot a bunch of people trying to throw him a surprise party. Meant to commemorate the accidental shooter's 40th birthday, the party was held in a forest cabin in south Norway, where around 30 guests gathered in anticipation last Saturday night. Unfortunately, the guest of honor got wind of the party beforehand, and concocted a plan to surprise his surprisers. Hiding in some nearby trees with his shotgun, the birthday boy blasted a round into the air to "shock" his arriving guests. But shock turned to splatter as the rifleman emerged from his hiding place, tripped on a root, and fell to the ground, inadvertently firing a second round into a nearby cluster of friends. Seven people were taken to a Fredrikstad hospital with non-life-threatening injuries; one of the seven was the rifleman himself, who was understandably yet ironically suffering from shock.

路路 In much worse shooting news: Today in West Seattle, a 14-year-old boy was fatally shot while riding his bike. According to the Seattle Times, recent eighth-grade graduate David Chhin was pedaling around West Seattle's Ridgeview neighborhood this morning when he was approached by a heavyset man who argued briefly with Chhin before shooting him at least six times with a semiautomatic handgun; a short time later, David Chhin was pronounced dead at Harborview. Police spokesperson Duane Fish told the Times that today's assault--the fourth deadly shooting in Seattle in the past week--was most likely not a random attack, with investigators taking special notice of the bright-red clothes and red Phillies baseball cap Chhin was wearing at the time of the shooting--items, police say, identified with some gangs. Police are talking to a "person of interest" (described as a man in his 20s fitting the description of the gunman), while David Chhin's friends and family are left to wrestle with the fact that their son/brother/friend was gunned down within a block of his favorite hangout, the Safe Futures Youth Center.


TUESDAY, AUGUST 19

As the Sobig.F computer virus clogged e-mail inboxes around the globe, today the Hartford Courant reported on the now legendary crazier-than-fuck bride arrested in Connecticut after going bonkers at her wedding reception. According to the Courant, the trouble began last Saturday night at Hartford's Mill on the River Restaurant, where 18-year-old new bride Adrienne Samen was enjoying her blowout wedding reception until she reportedly "flipped out," scream-ing obscenities at restaurant workers then storming out. In the parking lot, Samen began to argue with her new groom, vociferously professing her hatred of her new partner in holy matrimony while hurling hunks of wedding cake and vases of flowers onto the pavement. The bride then jumped spread-eagle onto the hood of a departing car, falling off without injury to begin a heartbreaking walk down Connecticut's Route 30, where police soon caught up with Her Surliness (who was, it should be noted, still in her wedding gown). After crudely rebuffing officers' offers of a ride for 40 minutes, the stompy Ms. Samen was finally arrested after she started darting into traffic to scream at passing cars. Handcuffed and placed in the back of a police cruiser, the never-say-die bride began kicking the cruiser's door and window; when an officer tried to restrain her, she tried to bite him. Samen was eventually taken to police headquarters, where she was charged with breach of peace and third-degree criminal mischief and released on $1,000 bail. Witnesses told police the 18-year-old bride was "intoxicated." (Dear defenders of heterosexual marriage: If you honestly believe homosexuals have the power to degrade the institution of marriage more than heterosexuals already have, you're being too kind.)

路路 Speaking of homosexuals: Tonight brought another episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Bravo's freakishly popular straight-guy makeover show, praised by Last Days via Stranger Suggests just two weeks ago. However, tonight's snoozerific episode proved unequivocally that the once-thrilling Queer Eye has become duller than dirt. This shockingly sudden suckiness Last Days originally blamed on the show's peaking too soon, with the glorious second episode boasting both the highest dramatic stakes (the straight guy was getting gussied up to propose to his longtime girlfriend) and the most rewarding visuals (the wannabe groom was a dreamboat who just got dreamier). But a richer explication came from perpetual Hot Tipper Jake, who tied the Fab Five's new tedium to the show's improperly explored superhero theme, manifested primarily through sassy editing (each gay gets at least one freeze-framed close-up with his "superpower" emblazoned across the screen) and super-heroic blocking (wherever the gays go, they run). "What kind of superheroes overcome the exact same obstacles every damn week?" asked Jake, suggesting an infinitely sensible remedy: "Rotate the now-familiar lifestyle-deficient straight guy with new, more challenging subjects, like Queer Eye for the Crazy, Disfigured Veteran, or Queer Eye for Sally Struthers." Bravo, take note.


WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 20

Today brought the publication of a new Stranger, whose letters page featured a weary father imploring Last Days to stop reporting so many soul-crushing child-abuse stories. To honor Daniel Royer's request, we shall refrain from reporting today's Associated Press story about the three kids in Detroit--siblings age one to 11--found fatally shot in the basement of their father's burning home, or tomorrow's story of the young mother in Wetumpka, Alabama, found guilty of attempted murder after placing her 18-month-old daughter in a broiling oven.

路路 Speaking of the new Stranger: While reporting on the infinitely mockable lawsuit filed by Seattle police officer Gregory Neubert, Last Days mistakenly identified writer Robert L. Jamieson Jr. as a "Seattle Times columnist." In truth, Robert L. Jamieson Jr. is a columnist for the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. Apologies to Mr. Jamieson for the ill-timed, inadvertently insulting mistake.


THURSDAY, AUGUST 21

Tonight in Seattle, a four-alarm fire engulfed a city-owned South Lake Union warehouse, drawing 75 fire crews and causing no injuries. (Speaking of burning: As her mother's "attempted murder" conviction implies, the 18-month-old girl placed in a broiling oven survived. But with third-degree burns over 70 percent of her body, the little girl could be facing, quite literally, a fate worse than death: years of agonizing surgeries accompanied by the ever-present knowledge that her own goddamn mother caused it all.)


FRIDAY, AUGUST 22

Nothing happened today (unless you count the formal sentencing of the world's worst mother, who received 25 years in prison for her baby-broiling stunt).


SATURDAY, AUGUST 23

Speaking of dark ends for child abusers: Today John Geoghan, the former Boston priest convicted last year of child molestation, died after being attacked by a fellow inmate in a Massachusetts state prison.


SUNDAY, AUGUST 24

Nothing happened today (unless you count Northern State's knockout show at the Crocodile, which we do).

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