MONDAY, JULY 12
Terrorizing Seattleites: It's not just for crows anymore. Today we learned of the expansion of the Seattle Bird Conspiracy to include all manner of winged beasts, thanks to this Hot Tip from Brian. A Pioneer Square denizen, Brian often parks his car in the free parking lot near the Kingdome. This weekend, after leaving his newly washed and waxed car in the lot for a mere 15 hours, Brian returned to Þnd the top, back, and sides of his car mottled with a fearsome amount of bird shit. "The sheer volume of shit on the car exceeded my wildest nightmares," Brian said, adding that he and his girlfriend counted a total of 48 shit spots measuring at least one inch in diameter, along with countless other smaller ones. Adding insult to injury, the cars parked next to Brian's now polka-dotted autothe same cars he'd parked next to 15 hours earlierwere entirely shit-free. What could it all mean? We have two guesses: Either God hates Brian, or the birds in this town are much more diabolical than we feared.
TUESDAY, JULY 13
More car trouble: The inherent chaos of the universe was made manifest today for a young Capitol Hill woman when her parked car was totaled by a crazy woman, the incident occurring in the late afternoon on 11th Ave between Pike and Pine. A middle-aged lady in a red Mercedes backed out of an auto-body shop so rapidly she smashed into a car parked across the street, crushing that car's grille and headlights and sending it crashing into another car. The Mercedes woman then tried to ßee the scene, and smashed into yet another parked car before abandoning her still-moving vehicle and rushing to hide in the auto-body shop. Mechanics from the shop raced out to stop the rolling Mercedes just as the young Capitol Hill womanthe owner of the Þrst and most extensively damaged cararrived to view the wreckage. After yelling accusations at everyone within a 50-foot radius, the young woman was informed of the true culprit, who was eventually dragged from her auto-body hiding place by the authorities. Astonishingly, a police investigation conÞrmed that the Mercedes woman was not drunk, and the destructive loony was cited only for Inattentive Driving.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 14
The bird saga continues: Today, while walking down Pike St near the 14th St intersection, Last Days found this crushed baby bird. And while birds have been nothing but evil troublemakers around these parts of late, this dead little bird made us very sad. So we scooped it up, scanned it in, and commemorated its fragile life with this haiku:
THURSDAY, JULY 15
There's no better way to spend an unseasonably chilly summer afternoon than getting a handjob in an automobile. Today in the U-District, one lucky fella was spotted getting an impassioned groping from his lady friend in a parked car on Roosevelt Way. Eyewitnesses report that the lip-locked duo was completely oblivious to their audienceuntil one brave soul gave our amateur porn stars a bit of sage advice: "Get a room." The couple happily conceded, revving their engine and tooling off for the nearest TraveLodge, we presume. Love is in the air. ý Speaking of penises and cars, here's a somewhat chilly Hot Tip that's just too lovely to pass up. The incident occurred way back on the 10th of July, when our Hot Tipper was driving on 15th Ave W, just north of the Magnolia Bridge. Up ahead he spotted a white stretch limo with what looked liked a child's arm waving from the back window. As he got closer, he noticed the child was missing a hand, then realized the truth: "It was no child's arm. It was a very large, rotating dildo." And soon it was a very large, rotating dildo bouncing down the street, as its giggling owner lost his or her grip. Several near-accidents ensued as cars swerved to avoid crushing the fake dong, and the limo was last seen making a U-turn on Dravus St to retrieve the lost object.
FRIDAY, JULY 16
Tonight: Bickering Christians on Capitol Hill. Around 11:30 pm this evening, in front of the QFC on Broadway, one lucky Hot Tipper found himself in the middle of a Christian couple's heated argument. It seems the guy (a classic Mormon type in a blue Oxford shirt, tan khakis, and tidy hair) was miffed at Þnding his girlfriend traipsing about New Sodom with her four (female) friends. "I can't believe you're up here!" hissed Christ Boy. "Well I can't believe you followed me!" replied his wayward miss. The guy then inquired if the women in question were Christian; his girlfriend replied she had no idea, and stomped off. The guy was left standing alone, surrounded by homosexuals, twitching in an agitated fashion.
SATURDAY, JULY 17
As anyone who turned on a television during the 11 hours of uninterrupted coverage knows, today John F. Kennedy, Jr.along with his smart and pretty wife and her sisterwas declared missing and presumably dead after the small plane he was piloting crashed into the waters off Martha's Vineyard. Last Days has nothing to add to the freakishly extensive coverage this terrible accident has already received. We can only send our condolences to that constantly beleaguered family, and point out that Being a Kennedy now ranks as the third leading cause of death among men aged 29 to 46 in the United States. ý Also today: more troublesome Christians on Capitol Hill. An older couple was deployed in front of Dick's on Broadway, and both the male and female sported T-shirts and signs reading "Trust Jesus." In retaliation, a young woman passing the couple ßashed her breast at the man, who became enraged and proclaimed, "That is a perverted action!" The boob woman replied, "I'm just showing you what God made!" inspiring the Christian man to toss back this worship-worthy retort: "I've seen bigger tits on a Chihuahua!" (Isn't that from Psalm 29?)
SUNDAY, JULY 18
Today began on an ominous note when Dan Savage found a dead bird on the sidewalk in front of his estate. But happily Last Days can wrap up the week with the heartwarming tale of a hippie chick going bonkers. Today's incident occurred around 6 pm in the ferocious trafÞc jam on the streets surrounding Safeco Field. Our hippie maidenclad in a tank top, cargo pants, and braidspulled into the packed intersection with the intention of turning left. Unfortunately, a trafÞc-directing police ofÞcer told the young lady that she could only turn rightpromptly causing her to lose her mind. "Let me take a fucking left!" she screamed. "I've been trapped here for two fucking hours!!" When the ofÞcer refused to relent, she took matters into her own hands, stepping on the gas and heading straight for the cop. Luckily she came to her senses and stepped on the brakes before any damage was donebut that didn't stop the ofÞcer from yanking her out of the car, throwing her down on the pavement, and hauling her patchouli-scented bootie off in cuffs.
Keep up the good work, Hot Tippers. E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org or call the Hot Tips Hotline at 323-7101 ext. 3113.