MONDAY, MAY 11 This week of dancing pixies, violent diarists, and mercilessly tossed waffles kicks off today with a hope-bestowing Hot Tip from Hot Tipper Jim Tom: "Today I accidentally left a copy of The Spanish Anarchists from the Seattle Public Library on a planter outside Seattle First Presbyterian Church. As the Bible says, the wages of being an idiot and leaving a library book in a public place is a hefty replacement fee that you really can't afford. So thank God for the library-book messiah who washed clean my sin and returned the book to the library. This may not be paperworthy, but it does suggest that a human exists in Seattle who isn't a complete asshole." Hallelujah—thanks for sharing, Jim Tom, and confidential to everyone else: If you know a Seattleite who deserves public props for not being an asshole, let us know at lastdays@thestranger.com.

••In other library-related happenings: Today also brings a report from Hot Tipper Chance in NYC, who was working on a paper in the Rose Reading Room of the New York Public Library ("the one from Ghostbusters!") when he noticed "a man with a small-but-I-wouldn't-call-it-portable television plugged into one of the outlets, watching Harry and the Hendersons, politely muted, while he diligently yanked hairs from his nostrils. I am filled with a sense of pride that my newly adopted city is so great that it can provide an elegant, world-class research library open to everybody, diligent scholars and public nostril-foragers alike."

TUESDAY, MAY 12 The week continues with Last Days ignoring the heart-crushing ABC News report on the state school for the mentally disabled in Corpus Christi, where night-shift employees stand charged with orchestrating brutal "fight club" sessions between underage residents and filming the carnage on their cell phones, to focus on the far less upsetting report filed by Hot Tipper Endresen: "I was walking home just after 5:00 p.m. this evening when I saw an attractive twentysomething woman on East Olive Way near Boylston, smiling and quietly talking to herself. I didn't think anything of it until she began deliberately obstructing my path by twirling and dancing in front of me. 'Do you ever feel like life is like a musical?' she asked. Her pupils didn't look huge, and she was way too graceful to be shit-faced. 'I'm like a Michael Jackson video!' she exclaimed, before dancing away down Boylston toward East Pike. Thank you, dancing street pixie, for making my day." (Thanks as well to the universe, which was thoughtful enough to send the dancing pixie woman into the path of someone sympathetic to her cause, rather than one of the zillions of people who would've been tempted to greet her obstructive dancing with shoves and/or pepper spray.)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 13 Today brings news of the bullet-ridden brouhaha that went down yesterday at a South Carolina Waffle House, where an altercation over breakfast led to the arrest of a gun-wielding waitress. Details come from Columbia's WLTX News, which identifies the key participants as Crystal Samuel, a Waffle House customer who'd hoped to obtain an "All-Star" breakfast of grits, sausage, toast, eggs, and a waffle, and Yakeisha Ward, the Waffle House waitress at whom an exasperated Samuel threw a waffle. "I did actually throw some food," says Samuel to WLTX, "but it didn't hit her." Things got rowdier as the women took the dispute outside, where, according to police reports, waitress Ward procured a gun from her car, filled it with ammunition from her trunk, and opened fire. "Investigators say Ward's gun discharged during the altercation," reports WLTX. "They say a bullet fragment struck Samuel in the arm." Before being apprehended by (blessedly nearby) deputies, Ward reportedly also hit Samuel in the head with the gun, and soon enough found herself arrested on charges of assault and battery with intent to kill. The 29-year-old Ward has since been released on $500 bond and has returned to work at the Waffle House.

THURSDAY, MAY 14 Today we travel 20 miles north of Seattle to Lynnwood, Washington, where a 78-year-old woman stands accused of administering ongoing beatings to her 84-year-old husband, who reportedly suffered a fractured wrist, several broken ribs, and a shattered pelvis. Further details come from the Everett Daily Herald, which reports the woman allegedly told police she pushed her husband down and hit him with a bowl and a metal pipe because she believed he cheated on her several times during their marriage. (A witness also told police the woman admitted to kicking her husband three times in the groin over the last six months because she believed he'd had an affair 35 years ago.) But the majority of potentially incriminating info came from the woman's diary, which reportedly described how she hit her husband with a carpet sweeper and chased him with a knife, alongside statements like "I beat him again" and "I told him it would be worth going to jail just to watch him bleed to death." Arrested last month, the woman was charged today with second-degree assault and remains in jail in lieu of $70,000 bail.

FRIDAY, MAY 15 The week continues with a reasonable approximation of closure for the friends and family of James Paroline, the decorated Vietnam-veteran-turned-beloved-community-leader who was killed during an altercation at a South Seattle traffic circle last July. As a cell-phone video played today in King County court reminds us, Paroline was standing near the traffic circle he'd lobbied the city to install in his Rainier Beach neighborhood when Brian Brown—a 29-year-old man called to the scene by two young women arguing with Paroline over traffic cones—approached and punched him; Paroline fell to the ground, struck his head on the pavement, and died. As the Seattle Times reports, today Brian Brown was sentenced to more than 11 years in prison for second-degree murder. "I never intended to cause this," said Brown at his sentencing. "This is something... I will relive for the rest of my life."

SATURDAY, MAY 16 Nothing happened today, unless you count the 44th birthday of SpaghettiOs (born on this day in 1965), the 143rd birthday of root beer (born on this day in 1866), or the 25th birthday of the ghost of Andy Kaufman (whose human source died on this day in 1984).

SUNDAY, MAY 17 The week ends with a once-in-a-lifetime-if-there's-any-mercy-in-the-world sighting reported by Hot Tipper Cate: "Last night, amid the typical Sunday-evening Belltown douchebaggery, I observed a highly intoxicated middle-aged gentleman, presumably on heroin, loitering near Second and Bell, where he pulled down his pants not to poop, but to give himself some ass play while simultaneously smoking a cigarette and jerking off. When he was finished, he wiped his filthy hands across his face, collapsed in an exhausted heap on the ground, and waited, patiently or perhaps unconsciously, for the paramedics to show up. I love working in Belltown."

Send Hot Tips and nominations for props-worthy nonassholes to lastdays@thestranger.com.