MONDAY, FEBRUARY 4 This week of cop shootings, winter storms, and sex that'll make you scream "Gaaaaah!" kicks off in Texas, where a man was arrested for attempting to make a "horseman baby" after being blown off by his girlfriend. Details come from the Weekly Vice, which reports that 29-year-old Andrew Mendoza generously gave up his right to remain silent when questioned by police. "I told myself that if [my girlfriend] didn't call me, I was going to go next door and mess with the neighbor's horse," Mendoza explained in a signed statement posted on the Smoking Gun, among other websites. When she didn't call by the arbitrary hour of 11 p.m., Mendoza carried out his threat/promise: "I was trying to make the horse have a baby. I was thinking it would have a horseman baby. I ain't going to lie; I blew a nut in the horse. I then got off the bucket and put my clothes back on and left... This was the only time I fucked the neighbor's horse." Mendoza was subsequently charged with public lewdness and criminal trespass and sentenced to four months in prison. But it seems that attempting to spawn a horse-faced centaur child was not Mendoza's only crime: While serving a separate sentence for indecency with a child and trespassing, Mendoza hanged himself in his cell.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 5 Fresh off an apology tour for allegedly molesting generations of God-fearing children, the Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles is now considering asking the public for $200 million in donations to help claw out of its kiddie-touching-induced debt. Details come from the Los Angeles Times and NBC News, which note that the archdiocese is now millions in debt after paying a $660 million settlement for 562 alleged victims of priest abuse in 2007. Since God is not conveniently bailing them out, the archdiocese has turned to the nonprofit Guidance in Giving to explore the idea of launching its first-ever public fundraising campaign. The funds would help fund "priests' retirement, seminarian education, Catholic schools, Catholic charities, and parish needs," NBC News reports.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 6 The week continues with two horrifying accounts of children giving birth to children. First up, a 9-year-old Mexican girl, dubbed Dafne, who gave birth to a premature baby girl on January 27: "According to Dafne's mother, the girl was eight at the time she got pregnant, but she didn't realize she was expecting until she was seven months gone," reports the Daily Mail. Further horrifying matters: Although the girl-child insists her 17-year-old boyfriend got her pregnant, Dafne's stepfather and "all of the stepfather's male relatives [are] being given a DNA test to eliminate them from the investigation and make sure they are not the father." Tomorrow, news outlets will report that Dafne could be as old as 15 (police are still investigating), which we suppose could upgrade her pregnancy from horrifying to sad. In worse news, tomorrow also brings reports that a 12-year-old Argentinean girl gave birth to twin sons, also on January 27, after her elementary-school teacher spotted her baby bump.

•• Speaking of freaky mom news, today the Smoking Gun reports that a 54-year-old woman was arrested after passing drugs to her incarcerated son via an open-mouth kiss. According to a police report, Kimberly Margeson put two oxycodone pills "into her mouth and brought them into the jail when she visited her son." She then passed the pills "from her mouth to her son's mouth when she kissed him." The report does not indicate whether tongues were involved. (Gaaaaaah!) Margeson was arrested and charged with one felony drug count and a misdemeanor count of promoting prison contraband.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 7 Today, authorities will launch a multistate manhunt for Christopher Dorner, an ex-LAPD cop wanted in connection with a double homicide in Irvine and the shooting of three police officers, one fatally, in Riverside County, reports the Los Angeles Times. Authorities say Dorner's alleged shooting spree was triggered by an internal LAPD discipline hearing in 2008 that found Dorner guilty of making false statements and filing a false personnel complaint against his training partner. Dorner was subsequently stripped of his badge. But in an 18-page manifesto addressed to "America" and posted on what is believed to be Dorner's Facebook page, Dorner allegedly points to the LAPD's history of institutionalized racism for his unjust firing. He writes: "The department has not changed since the Rampart and Rodney King days... Unfortunately, this is a necessary evil that I do not enjoy but must partake and complete for substantial change to occur within the LAPD and reclaim my name." According to the Los Angeles Times, Dorner "fatally shot the daughter of an ex-LAPD captain who represented him at his discipline hearing. He also allegedly shot her fiancé. Dorner went on to fatally shoot one officer and injure two others, police say." By early next week, the manhunt for the 33-year-old suspect will extend into Mexico after the Los Angeles Times reports that Dorner allegedly attempted to steal a boat in San Diego and flee the country. Meanwhile, in their search for Dorner, California police will not once but twice open fire on innocent drivers operating vehicles that match the suspect's truck description, first wounding an 80-year-old woman delivering newspapers with her daughter, and then injuring a surfer. "I don't want to use the word buffoonery, but it really is unbridled police lawlessness," Robert Sheahen, the surfer's lawyer, told the Los Angeles Times. "These people need training and they need restraint."

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 8 The week continues with fresh reasons to bitch about the weather as a blizzard named Nemo hit the Northeast today, dumping up to three feet of snow across seven states, causing massive power outages that will last for days, and leading to at least 18 deaths in the United States and Canada, according to the Associated Press. "It looked like a war zone," Massachusetts state representative Jim Cantwell told CNN, where about 90 percent of some towns remained without power through Sunday. "The devastation we have seen here would lead one to believe that it'll be days before we get power back."

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9 Speaking of unconventional assaults, today's news comes from Hot Tipper Greg: "I saw a sweatered dog humping a non-sweatered dog on the #8," Greg writes. "They got stuck that way, and both their owners missed their stops by a long shot. Bummer!" Bummer indeed.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 10 Nothing happened today, unless you count the Grammy Awards and, more importantly, the Lunar New Year. All hail the Year of the Snake!

Send hot tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.