MONDAY, FEBRUARY 12 This week of canine craft projects, troubled gunmen, and thrilling social evolution kicks off today with the flu, the contagious respiratory disease caused by a virus that's wreaking havoc across the Northwest, ruining weekends, turning countless citizens into fever-paralyzed puke machines, and ultimately killing two little girls. Following last Monday's death of 7-year-old Sarah Horner, this Wednesday will bring a similarly tragic end to 8-year-old Marija Alumbaugh, with both girls' deaths attributed to myocarditis—a rare but serious flu complication involving inflammation of the heart muscle. Despite the fatalities, King County health officials tell the Seattle Times that this year's flu season is no more severe than years past, and they continue to urge citizens to practice the one-two punch of flu prevention: cough covering and hand washing. Condolences to all who lost kids to the motherfucking flu.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 13 Speaking of horrific situations, today brought news of a pre–Valentine's Day massacre in Utah, where yesterday a shotgun-wielding 18-year-old in the requisite trench coat opened fire in a Salt Lake City mall, fatally shooting five people and seriously wounding four others before being killed by police. Details come from the Associated Press, which identifies the young gunman/casualty as Sulej-men Talovic, who lived an uneventful life with his mother in Salt Lake City until he loaded up his shotgun, a .38-caliber pistol, and a backpack full of ammunition and drove to the Trolley Square shopping center, where he opened fire on shoppers with "a supremely calm look on his face." Lucky for all but the nine people already shot, Talovic's rampage was cut short by Ken Hammond, an off-duty police officer enjoying a pre-Valentine's dinner at the mall with his wife when the shooting began. After cornering Talovic in a greeting-card store, Hammond exchanged fire with him until more officers arrived, after which the troubled 18-year-old was fatally gunned down by cops. No word yet on Talovic's motive, though the trench coat and weaponry suggest the typical "psychotic youth in a country lacking proper gun control" scenario.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 14 In much better news, today brought a grossly homophobic outburst from Tim Hardaway, the former Miami Heat guard/current "NBA Legend™" who spiced up an appearance on a Miami-based radio show by declaring his hatred of the gays. "I hate gay people," said Hardaway on sports station 790 The Ticket. "I don't like to be around gay people. Yeah, I'm homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States." Hardaway's comments and instantly apologetic about-face were plenty entertaining, but the real show began with the NBA's bracingly unequivocal distancing of itself from Hardaway and the bigoted garbage he let fall from his mouth. "We acted immediately," said NBA Commissioner David Stern to South Florida's Sun-Sentinel. "We told him he couldn't do any more work for us because his views don't represent our views. It is inappropriate for him to be representing us."

In addition to losing his job as NBA spokesmodel, Hardaway was also canned from his endorsement gig with the bald-men's grooming-products line Bald Guyz, whose CEO told the Miami Herald, "Bald Guyz, like baldness, does not discriminate based on lifestyle choice, color, education, financial resources, religion, physical capabilities, or in any other way." But the sweetest teasing came from Hardaway's NBA peers, whose totally-over-it exasperation with Hardaway's homophobic shit warmed our heart. Most heartening: Phoenix Suns guard Steve Nash, who told the Philadelphia Inquirer, "I think [Hardaway] spoke for himself. I don't think you'd catch many guys feeling that way.... Maybe 10 years ago. But in our locker room [now]? I think guys are over it. Guys are like, 'I don't care what you do.' I don't know about other locker rooms.... But in the Phoenix Suns' locker room, it's not like that." Most eloquent: Retired NBA player John Amaechi, whose recent outing as the league's first gay-identified player inspired Hardaway's outburst, and who told the San Francisco Chronicle, "I think that the truth of the levels of homophobia in society sometimes has to be highlighted by some kind of car crash, and that's what this is. [Hardaway]'s stopped people from saying some of the things that I've heard, you know, 'Shut up, because there's no issue. There's no need to talk about this, there's no problem. There's no homophobia.' I find that ironic in the greatest extent in a country where in 33 states you could be fired for being gay." Most hilarious: Shaquille O'Neal and Charles Barkley, each of whom made a point of ostentatiously kissing another man during this weekend's NBA All-Star festivities in Las Vegas. (Shaq smooched a fellow player, Barkley bussed a referee, hurrah for all.)

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 15 The week continues with some ridiculous shit in Gig Harbor, Washington, where an outraged dog owner has accused an unlicensed dog groomer of severing the ear of her Shih Tzu then super-gluing it back on. Details come from KIRO 7 News, which reports Anni Sheriffius was trying to wash what she thought was dirt from her dog Jasimine's ear when the ear fell off. "And I saw the ear float away, and it freaked me out," said Sheriffius, poetically, and after rushing Jasimine to the vet, Sheriffius learned the whole severed-then-super-glued-back-on truth. As KIRO reports, "Sheriffius said she still has the ear in a plastic bag, and has been crying for weeks at the thought of someone hurting her dog. Pierce County sheriff's investigators are looking into possible criminal charges against the unlicensed dog groomer."

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 16 Speaking of bad things happening to ears: Today brings some ace eavesdropping from Hot Tipper G, who was standing in the Crocodile Cafe's ladies room when she overheard a fellow lady bellowing into her cell in one of the stalls. "I just dropped my fucking phone and my purse in the toilet!" screeched the unseen klutzstress. "And now I'm holding a fucking toilet phone next to my face!" Thanks to Hot Tipper G, condolences to Lady Pee Face.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 17 Nothing happened today, unless you count the self-shearing of Britney Spears, the troubled young celebrity's most passionate cry for help since last November's "Lips Across America" vagina expo. And while Last Days would like to think someone somewhere will be able to keep Britney Spears from becoming the next Anna Nicole Smith, 50 bucks says Britney marries Howard K. Stern and moves to the Bahamas by the end of next week.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 18 The week ends as all recent weeks seem to have ended: with horrific carnage in Iraq. Specifically, today brought two car bombs to an outdoor market in Baghdad, where at least 56 people were killed and hundreds more were injured. Meanwhile in Afghanistan, a U.S. helicopter suffered a "sudden, unexplained loss of power" and crashed, killing eight American troops. In other news, it is 625 days until the 2008 presidential election.

Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.