MONDAY, MARCH 18 This week of theatrical attacks, bigoted crybabies, and exemplary behavior from humongous corporations kicks off in central Florida, where this evening a man met a woman for a sexual encounter at an Orange County hotel and wound up with his genitals nearly gnawed off. Details come from the Orlando Sentinel, which reports police were dispatched to the Crestwood Suites outside Orlando after numerous 911 callers reported growling and screaming coming out of a second-floor room. According to the police report, cops arrived to find a man "covered in a significant amount of blood, with numerous bite wounds" to his penis, testicles, and abdomen, and a nude, snarling woman with a bloody mouth. "The victim later told deputies his attacker was an escort he'd hired for Monday evening," reports the Sentinel. "After dinner, they returned to her hotel room, where they drank alcohol and [the escort] used Ecstasy..." Things were fine until the pair began having sex, during which the woman "became more aggressive, and she began to bite his genitals," according to the police report. "He described it as if she were trying to eat his penis and testicles." The man was rushed to the Orlando Regional Medical Center trauma center, and the woman was jailed on charges of attempted second-degree murder.

TUESDAY, MARCH 19 Speaking of dates gone wrong, the week continues in Arkansas, where a man's desire to impress a lady resulted in a police investigation. Details come from Jonesboro's KAIT News, which identifies the unlucky lothario as 26-year-old Jeffery Siegel, who was on a date with a woman at Craighead Forest Park on Saturday night when the pair was reportedly accosted by a knife-wielding man who told Siegel, "You can go, but your girlfriend stays." As Siegel told police, his date managed to flee while he fought off the attacker, sustaining cuts to his chest and wrist before the knife-wielding man fled into the night. "On Saturday night, several officers, including a K9 unit, spent two hours combing the woods around the Crowley's Ridge Nature Center," reports KAIT. "After two hours of searching the surrounding area, including closing the only exit to Craighead Forest Park, police were unable to find the 'attacker' and the search was called off." Which brings us to yesterday, when Detective Mike Branscum interviewed both Siegel's date (who said she felt that something was "not right" that night) and Siegel himself, who hemmed and hawed but stuck to his story. When Branscum offered to not press charges if Siegel just told the truth, Siegel finally confessed that the whole attack was staged to impress his date. "Siegel told the officer he 'really liked' the woman and 'felt that if he did something like this it would help him with his chances with her,'" reports KAIT. "Siegel said he contacted a friend a couple days before Saturday and staged a fake attack." True to his word, Detective Branscum declined to file charges against the humiliated Siegel and closed the case. As for Siegel's date, she told Region 8 News that the attack seemed "very real" and described Siegel's ruse as "not very heroic."

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 20 In better news, the week continues in Seattle, where today brought the Starbucks annual shareholders meeting. As history buffs will recall, Starbucks made headlines last year by publicly supporting the Washington State referendum legalizing same-sex marriage—a move that inspired a boycott from the antigay National Organization for Marriage and a complaint at today's meeting, where, as KPLU reports, shareholder Tom Strobhar suggested that the boycott had hurt the company's finances. "In the first full quarter after this boycott was announced, our sales and our earnings—shall we say politely—were a bit disappointing," said Strohbar. But Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz was having none of it, reiterating his support for marriage equality and inviting the man to take his money elsewhere. "If you feel, respectfully, that you can get a higher return than the 38 percent you got last year, it's a free country. You can sell your shares of Starbucks and buy shares in another company. Thank you very much."

THURSDAY, MARCH 21 Nothing happened today, unless you count the birthdays of Slovenian philosopher Slavoj Zizek (born on this day in 1949), '70s rocker Eddie Money (1949), excellent comedienne/terrible poet Rosie O'Donnell (1962), and Gang Starr's DJ Premier (1966).

FRIDAY, MARCH 22 Meanwhile in New York City, today brought a bracing climax in the saga of Timothy Dluhos, the 34-year-old lieutenant with the New York City Fire Department's Emergency Medical Services who rocketed to infamy after the discovery of his racist Twitter postings. Among the targets of Dluhos's Twitter scorn: Asians ("Fucken chinks can't drive"), Jews (his go-to name for Mayor Bloomberg was "King Heeb"), and African Americans (using Photoshop to put a surgical mask on an image of an unnamed black teen, with the caption "I's be a doxter"). Today a reporter from the New York Post attempted to question Dluhos about his deeds and was met with high drama. "Dluhos, who works at EMS Station 57 in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn, dropped to the ground sobbing Friday when the Post confronted him outside his Staten Island home. 'My life is ruined. Oh, my God,' Dluhos wailed. 'I'm so sorry'... The bawling medic, wearing an EMT jacket embroidered with the words 'Bad Lieutenant,' then left to go to work. 'I guess I should go enjoy my last day on the job,' Dluhos said." The FDNY told the Post, "The matter is under investigation," and on Sunday, Dluhos will be given a 30-day suspension. In the meantime, the EMT union has warned its members in a newsletter: "Stay off of the social networks! Facebook, Twitter, Flickr, Instagram, and Blogs! Enough said!"

SATURDAY, MARCH 23 In much worse news, the week continues in Alabama's Birmingham-Shuttlesworth International Airport, where today a family from Kansas was hustling to catch a connecting flight when a 300-pound arrival/departure display panel fell off the wall and onto them. As the Birmingham News reports, Heather Bresette and her four children were pinned beneath the humongous panel, which was hung in one of the airport's newly renovated concourses. All four children and their mother were rushed to the hospital, where 10-year-old Luke Bresette was soon pronounced dead and mother Heather Bresette remains listed in critical condition. Condolences to all.

SUNDAY, MARCH 24 Nothing happened today.

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