MONDAY, APRIL 22 This week of criminally crappy parenting and heartwarming rape stories kicks off in Pennsylvania, where a fundamentalist Christian couple currently serving a 10-year probation for the death of their toddler son—or more accurately, for failing to faith-heal their toddler son—could now face fresh charges for failing to seek medical attention for a second infant son, Brandon. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports that at a hearing today, "a judge told the couple they had violated the terms of their probation, noting that [Herbert and Catherine Schaible] had told investigators that they prayed to God to make Brandon well instead of seeking medical attention." The Schaibles were first convicted of involuntary manslaughter in 2009 for opting to pray away the pneumonia of their 2-year-old son, Kent, instead of seeking treatment from a doctor. The couple reportedly called for help—the help of a funeral director—only after Kent died. The Philadelphia Inquirer quotes Herbert Schaible as saying of Kent's death, "We tried to fight the devil, but in the end the devil won." Prosecutors allege that this cycle was repeated last Thursday, when the Schaibles once again called a funeral home to report that their 8-month-old son, Brandon, had died at home after he'd suffered "from diarrhea and breathing problems for at least a week, and stopped eating," reports the AP. Prosecutors are withholding charges until the infant's autopsy results are announced. Condolences to the Schaibles' seven living children, who've all been placed in foster care. Here's hoping God's immediate plan for their parents includes sterilization.

TUESDAY, APRIL 23 Speaking of parents unfit to parent, the week continues with allegations that a Seattle man allowed his 6-year-old daughter to eat crystal methamphetamine. KIRO TV has the gory details, which, silver lining, begin with dinner: "Around 5:30 p.m. Monday, police received several anonymous reports about a man acting strangely in the Burger King parking lot in Ashland, Oregon." When a car matching the suspect's description was pulled over for speeding, officers noted the driver, a 28-year-old Seattleite named Elijah Benbow, "was shaking badly, fidgeting, and could not stop moving... He denied using any drugs or alcohol, police said." Benbow's daughter was in the backseat of the car. With a little prompting, the little girl reportedly explained that she'd recently eaten "something from a small container that looked like a rock and was 'sort of gray,'" KIRO TV continues. A search of Benbow's vehicle turned up 5.37 grams of meth, which the little girl reportedly identified as the same substance she ate. The girl was rushed to a hospital, while Benbow was taken to the Jackson County Jail on charges of driving under the influence and reckless endangering (prosecutors will explain tomorrow that Benbow was not charged with child neglect because there wasn't enough evidence to prove he was making or selling meth). The 6-year-old was later placed in foster care, where we can only cross our eyes and pray she receives endless love, support, and meth-free meals for years to come.

•• Meanwhile, an Oklahoma man is behind bars today after police say he pulled a gun on his adult daughter, accused her of "being lazy," and then allegedly shot six rounds through a door at her, her children, and her grandmother, reports No one was seriously injured. The 55-year-old father was allegedly drunk at the time.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 24 Further proof that either God or fathers are pricks by nature: Today a Des Moines, Washington, man suspected of frosting his young sons' cookies with meth in an elaborate plot to discredit his ex-wife's parenting was charged with perjury, reports Charging documents state that both Chad M. Holm and his ex-wife are former meth users who've been fighting over custody of their two sons since splitting in April 2011. Holm had primary custody of the children while his ex-wife underwent voluntary drug treatment. She'd reportedly been clean for nearly a year last September when she suddenly failed a drug test right before a big custody hearing. "Concerned about the positive result, the woman recalled a pair of unappetizing cookies she'd eaten with her children the day before," reports. "According to charging papers, the woman and a court-appointed monitor picked up the children at Holm's home that day. Their 7-year-old son brought two pink-frosted cookies that Holm had made for his ex; the woman and her 5-year-old son split one cookie, which they were unable to eat because it 'tasted terrible.'" Both children tested positive for meth, as did a sample of leftover frosting, a Des Moines detective told the court. However, neither Holm nor his current girlfriend have been charged in mething up the kids because, as the King County Prosecuting Attorney's Office explains, "We cannot prove... how the meth was placed in the cookies, who made the cookies, and who, when, where, or how the meth was given to the children," spokesman Ian Goodhew said in a statement. Prosecutors have instead charged Holm with second-degree perjury for allegedly forging his own (negative) drug test.

•• In less-awful news, Seattle police arrested three adults today on suspicion of selling marijuana and marijuana-laced brownies to Ballard teens. Still illegal, yes, but at least we can assume these minors were happily complicit in their drug use.

THURSDAY, APRIL 25 Today brings news that Last Days doesn't get to cover often enough: attempted rape with a happy ending. The news comes from Dubai, as media outlets report on the trial of a bus driver who allegedly attacked a female passenger, a US sailor on shore leave in January (conflicting reports identify the woman as either navy or a merchant sailor). "After boarding, the sailor became suspicious of the route the driver took," reports The driver pulled into a parking lot 10 minutes later and tried to kiss her. When she struggled, he allegedly pulled out a knife and threatened to rape her, but she was like hell no: "The female sailor knocked [the] knife from her attacker's grasp, broke it in two, bit his hand, wrestled him to the ground, and put him in a stranglehold between her thighs," reports Dubai newspaper the National. "Having beaten him into submission, she left the bus and reported the incident to her boss." The suspect was questioned the next day but claimed to not remember the attempted rape or subsequent beatdown. Nevertheless, he was arrested and now faces charges of attempted rape, threatening to kill, assault, and consuming alcohol illegally. Bravo, thigh master, bravo.

FRIDAY, APRIL 26 Nothing happened today, unless you count folk singer Michelle Shocked's uncelebrated appearance at a White Center plant nursery, which serves as a lesson to all bigoted performers out there: Spew your antigay rhetoric onstage, as Shocked did in March, and soon you'll be performing for an audience of houseplants.

SATURDAY, APRIL 27 Nothing happened today.

SUNDAY, APRIL 28 Nothing much happened today, unless you count the 21st birthday of Last Days' beloved brother, who celebrated by getting drunk and doing push-ups while we put party hats on dogs and texted him hangover cures. recommended

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