MONDAY, FEBRUARY 19 This week of confused heroics, messy text messaging, and well-archived human waste kicks off today with an impressive sighting from Hot Tipper Jeremy, whose afternoon of work at a downtown bookstore ("not Barnes and Noble, but a chain") was spiced up by the appearance of a man in his early 30s hanging out in the store's magazine section. "His pants were around his ankles," reports Jeremy. "And his right hand was pumping away at his junk." While Jeremy's mind raced with questions—"What was he jerking off to? He had no magazine near him that was provocative, unless he has a yacht fetish"—his manager confronted the unabashed wanker. "She told him to leave, they got into a yelling match about the appropriateness of public ejaculation, and he finally walked out," reports Jeremy. "As he left, I saw a giant wound on the back of his head. It was like a bear had attacked him." Condolences to Jeremy, who in two minutes saw more of this stranger's private parts (wang, head guts) than most of us will see of our beloveds in a lifetime, and congratulations to the wanking stranger, who refused to allow the law or a head wound to deter him from defending his right to ejaculate in public.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 20 The week continues with a story from the wilds of Oconomowoc, Wisconsin, where a would-be hero's klutzy attempt at chivalry could land him behind bars for over two years. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports the chivalry gone wrong took place on February 12, when 39-year-old James Van Iveren heard what he believed to be the sounds of a woman being raped in his upstairs neighbor's apartment. Grabbing his family-heirloom cavalry sword, Van Iveren raced upstairs, where according to his neighbor's criminal complaint, Van Iveren kicked open the front door, thrust forward his sword, and demanded, "Where is she?" The neighbor told police that Van Iveren became increasingly aggressive as he repeated the question, insisting that he'd heard a woman being raped and screaming for help. Only after leading Van Iveren through his apartment, opening closet doors to prove he was alone, could the neighbor convince the swordsman of the real source of the screams: a pornographic DVD the neighbor had been watching before Van Iveren kicked his way in. Van Iveren told the AP he didn't call police when he heard the screams because he doesn't have a telephone. As for the neighbor, he did what any responsible adult whose enjoyment of legal porn was interrupted by a sword-wielding door kicker would do: called the cops and pressed charges. Van Iveren now faces misdemeanor charges of criminal trespass, criminal damage, and disorderly conduct, all while using a dangerous weapon, for which he could be sentenced to 33 months in jail. "Now I feel stupid," said Van Iveren to the AP.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 21 Speaking of people who feel stupid and the innocent-bystander neighbors who make it possible: Today brings the story of the alleged meth-head and the hot tub from—where else?—Pierce County, where today a high-speed stolen-car chase ended with both cars crashing—and hilarity ensuing! Details come from KING 5, which reports the chase reached speeds of 85 miles per hour outside Lakewood before both cars crashed in Fircrest. After attempting a "pit maneuver," the in-pursuit policeman crashed into a utility pole; after crashing into a tree, the alleged car thief fled on foot. For two hours, police searched for the suspect on foot and by helicopter, but it wasn't until homeowner Gavin O'Brien noticed something fishy in his backyard that police found their man. As O'Brien told KING 5, his suspicions were raised after he noticed the cover on his backyard hot tub bobbing up and down. Police arrived to find the 28-year-old suspect naked inside the bubbling tub. "The setting's at 104 or 105 degrees and it had the cover on, so I think he was probably getting warm," said O'Brien, in whose backyard police found the suspect's sweatshirt, boxers, and socks, and in whose hot tub cops found not only the alleged car thief, but also a floating bag of meth. The suspect has been booked into a Tacoma jail.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22 Nothing happened today, unless you count the nationwide clenching of buttholes caused by news reports about the Long Island home found packed to the rafters with literal and figurative shit. As CBS 2 reports, the saga kicked into high gear last week when a concerned neighbor contacted the estranged father of three girls living in the house with their mother, sharing her fears of the brutal squalor within. Investigators soon visited the Lindenhurst home, which they found packed with bottles of urine, feces, piles of used toilet paper, and a dead cat. "There was just feces all over," said the father, Raymond Young Jr., to CBS 2. "Urine in bottles, no plumbing, no toilet... [it's the] most horrible situation you could ever imagine." Mr. Young is seeking full custody of his children.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 23 The week continues with the most heartbreaking story of violent antigay bigotry since Matthew Shepard, or Gwen Araujo, or any one of those dozens of gay men hanged in Iran. Last Days is speaking, of course, of Andrew Anthos, the 72-year-old man in Detroit who was riding a city bus on February 13 when a fellow rider asked if he was gay. Anthos was indeed gay, a die-hard Ava Gardner fan, and a driven patriot, waging what the Associated Press identified as "a 20-year campaign to illuminate the dome of the state capitol in red, white, and blue for one night each year." But that was before the man who asked Anthos if he was gay followed him off the bus and beat him with a metal pipe. After the attack, Anthos was taken to a hospital, where he was found to be paralyzed from the neck down and later fell into a coma. Last night, Anthos was administered last rites, and today Andrew Anthos died. His attacker, described by the Lansing State Journal as "a light-skinned black man, no more than 23 years old," remains at large.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 24 In much lighter news: Today brings the ridiculous story of the world's unluckiest alleged pothead, courtesy of the Associated Press. The setting: Murray, Kentucky, where off-duty state trooper Trevor Pervine was enjoying a birthday dinner with his wife and parents when his cell phone started buzzing with messages about a marijuana purchase. At first, Pervine assumed the messages were jokes from his friends, but after returning a few of the calls he changed his mind and arranged a meeting. At the agreed destination, Pervine and other law-enforcement officers were met by Ann Greenfield, a 34-year-old middle-school teacher and the aforementioned world's unluckiest alleged pothead, whose faulty dialing led to her being charged with possession of marijuana, possession of drug paraphernalia, and conspiracy to traffic in controlled substances within 1,000 feet of a school. "She learned her lesson," said Kentucky State Police spokesman Barry Meadows to the AP. "Program your dealers into your phone."

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 25 Nothing happened today, unless you count the 40 people killed by a suicide bomber at a Baghdad college, or the couple dozen people who won Academy Awards.

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