MONDAY, JULY 1 This week of tragic fires and flag-waving stupidity kicks off with a dramatic courtroom suicide, courtesy of a predatory tire salesman. Fox4ck.com reports today that moments after 48-year-old Steve Parsons, owner of Missouri's own Parson's Tire & Service, was convicted of sodomizing a 14-year-old girl, he drank from a cup he'd brought with him into the courtroom, seized, and died. "It's not common to see someone just fall over dead in the courtroom even though they've just been found guilty of a crime," Sheriff Darrin White, who was in the courtroom at the time, helpfully explained to reporters. The likely cause of Parsons's impeccably timed death? Cyanide poisoning. Authorities would soon discover that Parsons had ordered cyanide online and had it shipped overnight to his home, reports CBSNews.com. Had he lived to serve out his seven-year prison term, Parsons would've had to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. However, prosecuting attorney Jerry Biggs was quick to point out that the real victim in all this remains Parsons's original victim: "This was a girl who had been wronged and was determined and brave enough to make things right," Biggs said. Condolences to the young woman, and here's hoping that cyanide becomes the trendy drink of choice for more sexual predators.

TUESDAY, JULY 2 Speaking of hot new trends, today Seattle police officers reported finding a dog and a pig in sweatpants trapped in a hot car in Magnolia. Officers were called to the scene at around 9 p.m. by a passerby, who'd spotted the animals in distress. "Even late in the evening, it was still about 86 degrees outside and presumably even hotter inside the car," states SPDblotter.seattle.gov. "Inside the vehicle, officers found a small, panting dog and a lethargic pot bellied pig—dressed in a pair of sweatpants for some reason—along with empty food and water bowls, and quite a bit of feces." They also found the keys left in the car's ignition. After giving the animals fresh water and airing out the car, officers located the neglectful owner in a bar down the street. They promptly confronted the man about dressing one pet in sweatpants and leaving them both in a hot, unventilated car without food or water to stew in their own shit. "The man—who had been at the bar for about 45 minutes—was quite agitated, and demanded that officers show him where they had found feces in his vehicle. So they did," the police blog notes. After once again ensuring that the animals were recovering, officers turned the case over to Renton Animal Control for investigation (the animals' owner lives outside Seattle). That's some mighty fine work, SPD.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 3 Today brings the first detailed account of the deaths of 19 wildland firefighters, who perished while working to save a small subdivision outside of Yarnell, Arizona, on Sunday. The firefighters—part of a highly trained hotshot crew known for their ability to contain remote fires—were called in to protect homes "threatened by a lightning-ignited fire that had rapidly grown in size, fed by scorching weather and blustery winds," reports the LA Times. The crew had mapped out an escape route, as well as a safety zone, and was making progress battling the fire when another sudden, violent thunderstorm changed the direction of the flames and "threw their plans awry," the Times continues. The team's leader, Eric Marsh, a man with 23 years of experience, radioed superiors to say they were deploying their emergency shelters—a Hail Mary defense against encroaching fire. "From what I've heard, it was the calmest they've ever heard Eric," fire department spokesman Wade Ward told the newspaper. "They were in a tight spot and everyone knew this was going to be a bitch. But his voice was very calm: 'We're deploying.'" Helicopter crews tried desperately to spot the firefighters through the smoke, while other aircrews made water drops over the area where they suspected the trapped firefighters had deployed. Officials later found their bodies in a single group, huddled together. As one fire manager told the paper, "Everything that could burn burned." Condolences to everyone who lost a loved one.

THURSDAY, JULY 4 The week continues with a spate of mostly avoidable, all-American horror stories, courtesy of Independence Day. While the majority of Americans were content with waving their tiny flags, consuming 150 million hot dogs, and safely lighting off 25 million pounds of fireworks, a select few honored the Fourth by engaging in casually risky behavior. For example: Timesdispatch.com reports that a 7-year-old Virginia boy was walking to a fireworks show when he was fatally struck in the head by a stray bullet that authorities believe was shot randomly into the air. A young Oklahoma boy was run over and killed by a parade float driven by his father, reports Q13Fox.com. An Indiana teen suffered "severe internal injuries" when he fell off a wagon in a parade and it ran over his chest and abdomen, theindychannel.com reports. A Chicago woman had her left foot blown off by an illegal fireworks show in Chicago, reports WGNtv.com. More than two dozen people in Los Angeles were injured when a platform containing fireworks tipped over and shot pyrotechnics into the crowd, reports CSMonitor.com, which notes that a bomb squad "deactivate[d] the remainder of the fireworks." And in Maine, a parade was rerouted after a man engaged police and "allegedly fired an estimated 70 shots at officers from his apartment" in a four-hour standoff before the town's celebration, ABCnews.com reports. Then, following the suspect's arrest, "the parade turned deadly after a man driving a tractor was fatally struck by a vintage fire truck."

FRIDAY, JULY 5 Today, authorities announced the capture of Wanda Podgurski, a 60-year-old woman who skipped her trial—and the country—after being charged with insurance fraud. In June, Podgurski was sentenced in absentia to more than 20 years in prison and ordered to pay more than $1 million in fines and restitution, reports Komonews.com. In response, Podgurski allegedly taunted authorities with tweets, including "Catch me if you can" and "Help find me before I con anyone else." This week, authorities will use Podgurski's tweets to trace her to Rosarito Beach, Mexico, "a popular retirement spot for American expats only 15 miles south of San Diego." She has since pled not guilty to failure to appear in court while free on bail. Idiot.

SATURDAY, JULY 6 Nothing happened today, except the crash of an Asiana Airlines plane in San Francisco, which killed two Chinese teenagers headed to summer camp and injured more than 180 other passengers. Investigators will soon reveal that the controlling pilot was still training on Boeing 777 jets and had only 43 hours of experience flying the plane, and no experience landing it, the Chicago Tribune reports.

SUNDAY JULY 7 Nothing happened today.

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