MONDAY, JULY 29 This week of canine mayhem, instructive gunplay, and the worst first date in history kicks off in Arkansas, where this morning a man awoke to find his dog eating one of his testicles. Details come from the police report obtained by KAIT 8 News, which identifies the victim as a paraplegic with no feeling from the waist down, who awoke around 7:45 a.m. to a "burning pain" in his midsection, followed by the sight of his "small, white, fluffy dog" with blood on its muzzle and front feet. Then comes this quartet of sentences: "The victim said the dog was a stray he had taken in about three weeks earlier. The man was unsure if the dog had been vaccinated. Police took the dog to a local veterinarian where it was euthanized. Its head was sent to the Arkansas Department of Health to be tested for rabies." The man was treated for his injuries and is expected to be fine (for a paralyzed man lacking a ball who's presumably sad about his dog).

TUESDAY, JULY 30 Speaking of waking up to violence, the week continues in New Hampshire, where very early this morning a man phoned police to report that he'd woken from a nightmare involving a gun to find that he'd shot himself. "The man was alone in the house when the incident happened," reports ABC News. "[His] wife, who was at work at the time, said he was probably sleepwalking." Police do not know where the gun had been stowed prior to the sleep-shooting, and the man—who shot himself in the knee—is expected to recover from his serious-but-not-life-threatening injuries.

•• Meanwhile in Pennsylvania, three more Penn State officials were ordered to stand trial on charges "accusing them of a cover-up in the Jerry Sandusky child sex abuse scandal," the Associated Press reports. "Prosecutors showed enough evidence during a two-day preliminary hearing to warrant a trial for ex-president Graham Spanier, former vice president Gary Schultz, and ex-athletic director Tim Curley, District Judge William Wenner concluded." Condolences to the many good folks at Penn State, which is clearly doomed to spend the next hundred years toiling under an ancient-Indian-burial-ground-grade curse. (Still, 50 bucks says such shameful turn-a-blind-eye-ism never happens on such a wide scale again.)

WEDNESDAY, JULY 31 Nothing happened today, unless you count Ex-Gay Pride Day in Washington, DC, a glorified press conference celebrating "freedom from the homosexual lifestyle" that supporters said would draw "thousands of ex-gays." However, today's festivities drew fewer than 10 people of unknown sexual orientation.

•• Meanwhile in Tacoma, two men paid an exceedingly high price for cheap beer after they sped away from the convenience store where they'd allegedly heisted the booze and into a fatal high-speed crash. "Officer Loretta Cool says the fleeing car was not being chased by police at the time, about 12:30 a.m. Wednesday, when it went out of control at a construction site 10 blocks from the store," reports the Associated Press. "Both men were ejected and died at the scene."

THURSDAY, AUGUST 1 In worse news, the week continues in New York City, where early this morning, a 35-year-old woman on a first date fell to her death. "Jennifer Rosoff went outside on her balcony around 12:50 a.m. Thursday to talk and smoke a cigarette with her date when [her 17th floor apartment] balcony's railing broke," reports CNN. "She landed on a second-story construction scaffolding of the building and was pronounced dead at the scene." Condolences to all.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 2 Nothing happened today, unless you count the kickoff to the final weekend of Seafair, which will involve 34 arrests for boating under the influence and zero Blue Angels.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 3 The week continues with another instructive tale of gun ownership, this one out of Cleveland, where early this evening a man tried to stop another man from driving drunk and wound up shot. "The victim was attempting to take the suspect's keys in order to prevent him from driving while intoxicated," reports Cleveland's Fox 8. "The suspect fought with the victim and shot him in the chest." The suspect was arrested, and the victim remains hospitalized.

•• Meanwhile in Utah, a recently crowned beauty-pageant queen was arrested early this morning after allegedly throwing homemade bombs at people and homes. Details come from KUTV, which identifies our alleged bomb-hucking beauty as Kendra Gill, who was crowned Miss Riverton in June and is now preparing to compete for the title of Miss Utah. But according to police, last night Gill allegedly took time out of her pageant-training regimen to drive around with her friends throwing homemade explosives. "A probable cause statement released by the Salt Lake County Jail states that Miss Riverton, Kendra Gill, as well as Bryce Stone, Shanna Smith, and John Reagh, admitted to buying plastic bottles, aluminum foil, and household chemicals at a local store before building the bombs and throwing them from their car," reports KUTV. "Witnesses reported people throwing the devices from a dark gray or black vehicle Stone was driving late Friday night or early Saturday morning... One home that was allegedly targeted was that of Stone's ex-girlfriend." Miss Riverton and the members of her alleged bomb squad have been charged with 10 counts each of setting off an incendiary device.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 4 Speaking of amateur explosives, the week ends with a horrifying story out of Washington State, where today a man in Skamania County was arrested after allegedly using an explosive device to blow up his dog. Details come from KOIN 6 News, which identifies the alleged dog exploder as 45-year-old Christopher Dillingham, who told police he detonated a homemade explosive that he'd attached to the neck of his family's Labrador retriever because the dog had "the devil in it." The early-morning explosion led to a flurry of 911 calls and the arrival of police. "They found the remains of the dog strewn about the yard and arrested Dillingham on the spot," reports KOIN. "Dillingham faces charges of second-degree malicious mischief, reckless endangerment, and possession of explosive devices, but not animal cruelty. The prosecutor said that charge is used if the animal would have suffered, but the dog died instantly." Dillingham remains held on $500,000 bail.

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