MONDAY, AUGUST 5 This week of scurrying vermin, airborne sodomy, and deeply inappropriate Facebook usage kicks off with a nightmare story out of Canada, where early this morning in Campbellton, New Brunswick, two young brothers—4-year-old Noah Barthe and 6-year-old Connor Barthe—were found dead in an apartment above a pet store. A terrifying explanatory sentence comes from ABC News: "An investigation is under way into how a python was able to escape from an exotic pet store, slither through the ventilation system into an apartment, and strangle two young boys as they slept." According to investigators, the snake was a 100-pound, 15-foot African rock python that was likely driven to its deadly deed by hunger and has since been put down by a veterinarian. "The owner of Reptile Ocean Inc., the exotic pet store where the incident took place, told the Global News television station that he has no idea how the snake escaped and is horrified," reports ABC.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 6 In sexier news, the week continues in San Diego, with a politician whose allegedly widespread inappropriate sexual exertions make Anthony Weiner look like a lazy, bashful paraplegic. Details come from Reuters, which supplies this amazing sentence: "The number of women to publicly accuse San Diego mayor Bob Filner of inappropriate behavior increased to 11 on Tuesday when a vocational nurse said she had been propositioned by Filner while seeking his help on behalf of a disabled US war veteran." By tomorrow, the number of Filner accusers will rise to 13, along with allegations that the 70-year-old Filner (a Democrat and former congressman) targeted survivors of military rape for his alleged gropings and advances. "At least eight female veterans and members of the National Women's Veterans Association of America in San Diego have made accusations against the mayor," CNN will report tomorrow. "Almost all of the women say they were victims of sexual assault while they were in the military. The women say the former chairman of the House Veterans' Affairs Committee used his significant power and credentials to access military sexual assault survivors, who they say are less likely to complain." As the week continues, everyone in the world will call on Bob Filner to step down as mayor of San Diego, including many residents of San Diego, who'll launch a recall campaign to unseat him. As for Filner: He'll continue to wave off the allegations of sexual harassment while undergoing intense inpatient behavioral counseling and filing legal papers asking the city of San Diego to pay for his defense. Meanwhile, his lawyer will argue that the city is liable because Filner was never given proper mayoral workplace behavior training. Stay tuned for updates on a man who may actually be a total bag of shit.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 7 In rattier news, the week continues in Seattle, where KIRO reports "the construction of the Highway 99 tunnel is resulting in a 'ratpocalypse.'" For supporting evidence, KIRO turns to the professional rat-killers at Sprague Pest Solutions, which reports a 60 to 80 percent jump in calls since preliminary tunnel work began. "As we shake the ground they live in, they have to go relocate to a better home, and that next better home is really the buildings of Seattle," said Sprague district manager Mark Schmidt, whose company is running bicycle billboards encouraging downtown building managers to seal up their cracks to keep out the rats. Good luck, downtown building managers, and confidential to everyone: Whatever you do, don't google "rat king."
THURSDAY, AUGUST 8 Speaking of loathsome vermin and things you shouldn't google, the week continues with Derek Medina, the heroic genius superhuman who this morning announced he'd murdered his wife in Miami and then posted a photo of her bloody corpse on Facebook. The attendant status update, as captured by Miami New Times (sic throughout): "Im going to prison or death sentence for killing my wife love you guys miss you guys takecare Facebook people you will see me in the news my wife was punching me and I am not going to stand anymore with the abuse so I did what I did I hope u understand me." After posting the photo and confession, Medina took himself to a police station and confessed. Charged with first-degree murder, Medina remains held without bond. (Early next week, the International Business Times will publish this sentence: "The argument that Mr. Medina was defending himself is diffused by his near professional skills in martial [arts] and he has made videos of himself making strikes with precision and accuracy." Stay tuned.)
FRIDAY, AUGUST 9 In lighter news, the week continues with an impressive criminal complaint reported by the Smoking Gun, involving two passengers on a flight to Las Vegas who allegedly refused to stop having sex. "According to a complaint filed this week in US District Court, Jessica Stroble and Christopher Martin began getting frisky after an Allegiant Airlines flight departed Medford, Oregon, for Nevada in late June," reports the Smoking Gun, citing the federal complaint. "A passenger sitting across from the duo on the 90-minute flight observed Stroble 'perform oral sex and manually stimulate the genitalia of a male passenger sitting in the window seat next to her. After the act was completed, the witness watched as Stroble 'wiped off her mouth while the male put his penis back inside his pants.'" But wait, there's more! According to witnesses, the couple's insistent sex show extended to include another round of lap-based head-bobbing along with the groping and suckling of exposed breasts. "Upon landing, Stroble and Martin were escorted off the plane and questioned by Las Vegas police," reports the Smoking Gun. "In a complaint filed Tuesday in US District Court in Las Vegas, they were charged with engaging in 'lewd, indecent, and obscene acts on an airplane.' If convicted, Stroble and Martin each face up to 90 days in jail and a fine." Contacted yesterday by the Smoking Gun, Stroble said she was unaware of any charges and "none of that happened."
SATURDAY, AUGUST 10 Nothing happened today, unless you count the thousands of Seattleites pulled away from sleep/sex/Netflix-binge-watching by the amazing lightning storm that blew up the sky not long after midnight this morning.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 11 The week ends with a cruddy story out of Bothell, where a hypnotherapist is facing a rape charge after allegedly sexually assaulting a patient. Details come from Seattlepi.com, which identifies the hypnotherapist as 58-year-old Ayhan Yavuz, who reportedly began treating an 18-year-old man for depression and anxiety late last year. "According to charging papers, Yavuz was conducting what he called 'energy therapy,'" reports Seattlepi.com. "During one session, Yavuz told the young man to remove his pants and underwear, a Bothell detective told the court. In another, Yavuz is alleged to have shoved his thumb into the teen's mouth before grabbing the young man's genitals, unbuckling his own pants, and forcing the teen to touch him sexually." Charged with second-degree rape, Yavuz is currently free on a $50,000 bond.
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