MONDAY, MARCH 5 This week of scorched genitals, suicidal students, and one freakishly gorgeous afternoon kicks off today with an unexpected gushing on a young woman's back. Details come from CBS News, which reports the gushed-upon young woman was taking a red-eye Northwest Airlines flight from Seattle to Minneapolis early this morning when, near the end of the trip, a male passenger sat down next to her. As the woman told authorities, she was trying to sleep when the man reportedly "spooned" her, lifted her shirt, then got up and walked away; after he left, the woman noticed "a warm fluid" on her back, clothes, and seat. Upon informing flight attendants she'd been ejaculated on, the young woman was moved to a new seat while the alleged ejaculator—identified by the FBI as Samuel Gonzalez, a 20-year-old from Lakewood, Washington, and an off-duty Northwest Airlines employee—was held near the front of the plane. When the flight reached Minneapolis, Gonzalez was arrested and hauled to federal court, where he was charged with simple assault, a misdemeanor for which he could receive up to six months in jail. As for Gonzalez's position as a Northwest equipment service worker, airline officials say he's been suspended pending a review of the incident.

•• Gonzalez isn't the only Washington resident allegedly shaming the state: Today also brought the indictment of three army soldiers—two hailing from Washington—on charges of raping a 21-year-old woman at a Super 8 Motel in Augusta, Georgia. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports all three soldiers were stationed at Fort Benning, where they'd reportedly just finished basic training. As the alleged victim told police, she met the soldiers Friday evening in the lobby of the motel, where one of them invited her to a party in their room. The woman refused and returned to her room, where she reportedly found another soldier going through her purse. After ejecting the intruder, the woman was reportedly visited by a third soldier, who apologized for his friends and invited the woman back to his room to talk. Once there, the soldier allegedly shoved the woman into the bathroom and raped her, after which the two previous soldiers arrived and allegedly did the same. "They were rotating," said the victim to Georgia's Ledger-Enquirer. "They were laughing and high-fiving each other. I was screaming, but the stereo was so loud." Today brought all three of the alleged soldier-rapists to court, where 22-year-old Justin Brummett of Emporia, Kansas, was charged with rape, false imprisonment, and aggravated sodomy, and 20-year-old Steven Krienke of Federal Way and 23-year-old Aanoalii Filoialii of Tacoma were each charged with rape and aggravated sodomy.

All three pleaded innocent and remain held without bond.

TUESDAY, MARCH 6 Speaking of alleged sexual assault, today brings a far more hilarious example from Eau Claire, Wisconsin, where an attempt to replicate a Jackass stunt landed one man in the hospital with burned genitals and another man facing criminal charges. As witnesses told police, 20-year-old Jared W. Anderson had just fainished watching the Jackass movie when he volunteered to replicate the stunt where a man set fire to his genitals. (Witnesses also described Anderson as drunk.) Anderson's terrible idea was greeted with enthusiasm by Randell D. Peterson, the 43-year-old who reportedly sprayed lighter fluid on Anderson and lit him on fire. As the Associated Press reports, Anderson suffered second-degree burns to his hands and genitals, for which he was treated at the Regions Hospital Burn Unit in St. Paul, Minnesota, while Peterson was charged with felony battery and first-degree reckless endangerment, for which he faces up to 10 years in prison.

•• In other jackass-related news: I. Lewis Libby Jr., former chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney, was found guilty of obstruction of justice and perjury.

•• Meanwhile in the Northwest: It was totally fucking gorgeous, with record high temperatures recorded through the Puget Sound region, including an historic 71 degrees in Seattle.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 7 The week continues with deadly teenage angst, as not one but two American teens committed suicide at school today. In Greenville, Texas, a 16-year-old student fatally shot himself inside the Greenville High School band hall, and in Midland, Michigan, a 17-year-old student shot his former girlfriend four times outside H. H. Dow High School, then fatally shot himself. Silver lining: The quadruply shot ex-girlfriend—identified by the Associated Press as 17-year-old Jessica Forsyth—survived, and remains in serious but stable condition.

THURSDAY, MARCH 8 In far lighter news: Today brings a refreshing twist on the problematic phenomenon of confused elderly drivers plowing through crowds, courtesy of Northwest Cable News, which reports on the hubbub that went down yesterday afternoon in Vancouver, Washington. That's where 69-year-old Virginia Martin and an unnamed second driver got into an altercation following a reported fender bender outside of Vancouver's Wy'East Middle School. According to police, the unidentified second driver exited her car and attempted to get Martin to exchange insurance information; instead, Martin attempted to flee, allegedly plowing her car into the woman and driving for more than a mile with the woman clinging to the hood. Martin was arrested and charged with attempted second-degree assault and felony hit-and-run, her alleged victim was miraculously uninjured, and Last Days is inordinately thrilled to report an instance of an elderly driver allegedly committing vehicular assault on purpose.

FRIDAY, MARCH 9 Nothing happened today, unless you count the dissemination of the results of the Justice Department's audit of the FBI, which concluded that federal investigators "improperly and, in some cases, illegally used the USA PATRIOT Act to secretly obtain personal information about people in the United States." "There is no excuse for the mistakes that have been made," said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who ordered further investigation and left open the possibility of criminal charges.

SATURDAY, MARCH 10 Nothing happened today, unless you count the gunshots fired tonight outside the Capitol Hill nightclub Sugar, which wounded the driver of a Chevy Avalanche and caused countless others to bemoan Capitol Hill's steady transmogrification into Pioneer Square Jr.

SUNDAY, MARCH 11 The week ends as it should, with a freaked-out and presumably drug-addled man being wrestled to the ground by employees of a downtown Seattle Walgreens. Details come from the Seattle Police Department, which told KING 5 News that a thirtysomething African-American man entered the Walgreens at Second Avenue and Pike Street at about 9:00 a.m. and began exhibiting erratic behavior, including but not limited to allegedly assaulting a 64-year-old female customer. When the store manager intervened, the store manager was also assaulted, inspiring store workers to tackle the man—described by witnesses as seeming "out of control" and "on drugs"—and restrain him for eight minutes until police arrived. By this time, the man was unconscious and not breathing and, following on-site CPR, he was rushed to Harborview with life-threatening injuries. "It does not appear that anything more than minimal force was used to restrain this particular suspect," said Seattle Police spokesman Sean Whitcomb to KING 5, which reports that "[p]olice believe drugs had more to do with the suspect's condition than anything workers did." All of the alleged assaultees escaped without serious injury, and the alleged attacker remains hospitalized.

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