MONDAY, APRIL 5

As longtime readers of this column can attest, Last Days has made something of a mission of reporting horrible instances of child abuse. The reason, like all good things, is two-pronged, with prong #1 devoted to the monolithic pathos of even the most mundane instance of child abuse, and prong #2 chronicling the staggering degree of inventiveness employed by the most diabolical of today's kiddie clobberers, who seemed poised on the outer limits of human evil. (It takes a certain type of person to both conceive of and execute the placing of a baby under a broiler.) So imagine Last Days' state-mandated pleasure at announcing the official designation of April as Child Abuse Prevention Month! To celebrate, Last Days visited the Washington State Department of Social & Health Services website, where we finally received an answer to a question that has been haunting our skull for a decade: When and how should an innocent bystander respond to the public abuse of a kid? Quickly and lightly, say DSHS experts, who agree that "it is the responsibility of each and every one of us to prevent child abuse and neglect." Positing a sample scenario of an end-of-her-rope mother on the brink of clobbering her fit-throwing kid in the supermarket, the experts attest that "the sooner you intervene, the less intrusive you may need to become," offering assurance and instruction to those of us who'd rather eat chalk than engage in social confrontation. The key, experts say, is empathy: "There is no need to be judgmental. Losing one's cool doesn't make one a bad parent. Engaging the parent for even a minute could be enough to defuse the situation." The other key: stickers. "Try to divert the child's attention--keep a small collection of colorful stickers in your wallet," say the experts, before delivering a crucial message of temperance: "It's good to exercise common sense in these situations. A parent's gentle slap of the hand of a youngster who dives into the candy bin can be an appropriate form of discipline. However, hitting a small child about the head and face or shaking a baby is not appropriate and a call to 911 should immediately be made." To reach 911, dial 9-1-1.

TUESDAY, APRIL 6

Meanwhile in Mexico: a 40-year-old woman is up for Mother of the Year after delivering her own baby via a do-it-yourself caesarian section. Reuters reports the unnamed woman--who lives in a rural area without electricity, running water, or sanitation, and eight hours from the nearest hospital--tossed back "three small glasses of hard liquor" before slicing open her abdomen with a kitchen knife to deliver a healthy male infant. Before losing consciousness, the brave mom told one of her preexisting children to call a local nurse, who soon arrived to clean up the baby, stitch up the mom, and transfer both mother and child to Dr. Manuel Velasco Suarez Hospital in San Pablo, Mexico.

>>Speaking of lucky mothers: The woman whose loins spat forth the unbearable ball of ego known as J.Lo has officially earned the right to tell her systemically phony daughter to fuck off forever by winning $2.4 million from an Atlantic City slot machine. Today Reuters offered details on the accidental fortune claimed by Guadalupe Lopez, the 58-year-old retired kindergarten teacher and mother of J.Lo, who won the aforementioned millions with a $3 bet on a Wheel of Fortune slot machine at Atlantic City's Borgata Hotel last Saturday night. Congrats to Mother Lo, and confidential to the president of J.Lo's fan club: You've seen the Selena movie. Do what must be done.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 7

Today Iraq officially turned into Vietnam, with bloodthirsty Iraqi insurgents in the Sunni Muslim city of Fallujah viciously attacking the surrounding American troops (who earlier in the day bombed one of the town's mosques) and bringing the American death toll since the war's official end to at least 630. (On Sunday, the various factions of Fallujah will strike a tenuous cease-fire.)

THURSDAY, APRIL 8

Nothing happened today (unless you count the premiere of The Condoleezza Rice Show, whose two-and-half-hour pilot episode aired this morning on too many networks to mention. Starring the unflappable Ms. Rice in a smart suit and kicky flip hairdo, the reality-based show got off to a rocky start, as our leading lady insisted on holding forth in an adamantly bland manner on matters of historical zzzzzzz. Still, Rice is an obvious diamond in the rough, and her show can achieve guaranteed success via one of two routes: the Fear Factor route (wouldn't you tune in to watch Concrete Condi choking down maggot-encrusted goat bowel?) or the sitcom route, wherein the star's character flaws are compensated by a colorful supporting cast, such as a nosy/gay/racist neighbor, a chatty mailman, or the lead character's animated conscience, embodied by a tiny talking spaceman. (Personally, we hope Condi gets a conscience.)

FRIDAY, APRIL 9

Today brought two screwy sightings from the street. The first comes from New York, where several people called police to report being accosted by former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling near the intersection of Park Avenue and East 73rd Street around 4:00 a.m. According to the Associated Press, the 50-year-old Skilling--free on $5 million bail while awaiting trial on 35 federal counts including fraud and insider trading--visited two Manhattan bars, American Trash and the Voodoo Lounge, where he allegedly accosted numerous patrons, yanking at their clothes and accusing them of working for the FBI. Police arrived to find an "intoxicated and highly uncooperative" Skilling, whom they determined might be an "emotionally disturbed person" and escorted to New York-Presbyterian Hospital. In a tiny bit of luck, Skilling's early-morning freak-out resulted in no new charges.

>>Meanwhile on Seattle's own Broadway: A 51-year-old male Hot Tipper was enjoying an afternoon stroll when he was accosted by "two strapping gym lads" in a Jeep, who promptly pressed upon the man a sample six-pack of Viagra. "I don't know whether to smack you or fuck you," said our flattered-and-flabbergasted Hot Tipper, to which one of the boys replied, "Both, Daddy!" before the Jeep sped off. "It made my day," said the Viagra recipient, who will not be pressing any charges.

SATURDAY, APRIL 10

Speaking of free samples: Today Last Days received a complimentary dose of God, thanks to the Tulsa, Oklahoma-based Saint Matthew's Church ("Friends of Jesus for 35 glorious years!"), who this week mailed us a complimentary magical prayer rug. "This Prayer Rug is Soaked with the Power of Prayer for you," read the rug's instructions. "Use it immediately, then please return it with your Prayer Needs Checked." (Among the prayer-needs options: "My Soul," "A Closer Walk with Jesus," and "A New Car.") And while Last Days traditionally uses chain mail for kindling, we couldn't resist sinking to our knees for a heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, please kill whoever thought up those Vehix commercials featuring that pudgy, middle-aged man dressed like a computer. Amen.

SUNDAY, APRIL 11

Nothing happened today (unless you count the symbolic resurrection of Jesus, which we don't). However, as a fan of spicy and tangy jelly bird eggs, we bid adieu to the Easter season with deep regret.

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