MONDAY, MARCH 12 This week of diabolical duos, splashy confessions, and voluminous hot tips kicks off today with what felt like the return of an old friend, if any of our old friends wielded hubcaps and never stopped screeching. Last Days is speaking, of course, of Tonya Harding, the disgraced Olympic figure skater/disgraced celebrity boxer/disgrace who barged back into humanity's consciousness today thanks to the two amazing police reports involving Harding that were filed yesterday morning. Details come from Clark County, Washington's the Columbian, which reports that police were first sent to Harding's home in Vancouver, Washington, just after 5:00 a.m. on Sunday, after Harding called 911 about the four men and one woman who'd just tried to steal her car. Police reports described Harding's account of the would-be carjacking as "very implausible" and characterized Harding's behavior as "very agitated," "tweaking out," and "frustrated that others can't see the people she sees."

Within hours, police received their second Harding-related call, this one from a friend of Harding's, who said that the former skater was "seeing animals" and upsetting the friend's young children. Once again, police were dispatched, a deputy escorted Harding back to her trailer, and Harding reportedly chalked up her behavior to an adverse reaction to "new medication." Today, this new medication drove Harding to her third police-report appearance of the week, as a woman "worried about Harding's mental health" called 911 after Harding showed up at a church "afraid of the demons." Best wishes to the troubled Ms. Harding, whom Last Days sincerely hopes will soon sort out her medication issues, and good luck to the Clark County police force, which has its work cut out for it.

TUESDAY, MARCH 13 Speaking of skanky doings down south: Today brings the saga of the married couple in Portland, Oregon, accused of arranging to sexually abuse a 5-year-old girl. Details come from the Associated Press, which claims the saga commenced last month, when an FBI agent went undercover in a chat room known for trafficking in pornographic images of young girls. Posing as the father of a 5-year-old, the agent reportedly engaged in e-mail chats with 27-year-old Christopher Dudley, who allegedly agreed to pay the "father" if both he and his 22-year-old wife were allowed to perform oral sex on and take photos of the imaginary 5-year-old. When the agent expressed surprise that Dudley's wife shared his taste for underage cunnilingus, Dudley reportedly informed the agent that his wife "loved [him] and didn't care what [he] was into."

After the e-mails came the creepy phone conversations, during which Dudley allegedly told the agent of prior sexual contact with an 8-year-old girl and shared that he and his wife were trying to have a daughter they hoped to raise in "the lifestyle." To make the revulsion complete, the agent agreed to meet the couple at a Portland Denny's, where he came face-to-face with Dudley and his wife, Rhea Hamm; according to court papers, the agent tried to dissuade Ms. Hamm from taking part in a sexual encounter to please someone else, with Hamm allegedly assuring the agent that she genuinely wanted to go down on a 5-year-old for reasons of her own. On Monday, the whole mess came to a head in Woodland, Washington, where the agent agreed to present the child to Dudley and Hamm at an Econo Lodge, and where Dudley and Hamm were arrested on federal charges of aggravated sexual abuse of a minor. Scheduled for arraignment on April 3, both Dudley and Hamm face a maximum sentence of life in prison.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14 As tomorrow's item makes clear, Last Days regularly chronicles the grubbier side of life, from funky doings on the bus to morbidly obese people healing over their sofas. However, today brings a privileged glimpse into the less-grubby side of life, courtesy of Hot Tipper Anonymous, a temp waiter working this evening at the University Club, "one of Seattle's last private enclaves for the ruling class," as Anonymous explains. "Tonight, Lieutenant General Karl W. Eikenberry, former commanding general of combined forces in Afghanistan, spoke to members about the U.S. military campaign in Afghanistan. His aide-de-camp arrived early to discuss the evening's format with the club's manager. As I filled water glasses a few feet away, the manager assured the general's adjutant about the temper of the club's members. 'We hope that the general will feel free to speak candidly—our membership is still composed overwhelmingly of white, Anglo-Saxon men. They tend not to be very politically correct.'" "What a relief!" cracks Hot Tipper Anonymous. "How do these clowns know that I'm not Taliban? I have a long history of radical actions and nonviolent civil disobedience—any reasonably paranoid person would have deemed me a security risk. There was absolutely no security clearance to get within inches of the former commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan. Guess that's how safe these guys feel moving around in 'the homeland.'"

•• Speaking of the safety of the homeland: Today the Pentagon released the transcript of the confession of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the suspected 9/11 mastermind who claimed credit for virtually every horror of the past decade and a half, including the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, the 2002 bombings of a Kenya beach resort and a Bali nightclub, and the 2001 plane attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

THURSDAY, MARCH 15 Nothing happened today, unless you count the world-class Metro horror story reported by Hot Tipper Kate: "I was riding the 73 through the U-District, headed downtown, and I had a good view of an older fellow chewing meditatively on a toothpick. After a while, he removed the toothpick from his mouth and inserted it into his ear as far as it would go, scraped it around a bit, waved it under his nose, then put it back in his mouth. After this, he scraped the toothpick around the perimeter of his left nostril, put it back in his mouth for a second, then back to the ear! I looked around to see if there was anyone else seeing this. Then I got off the bus."

FRIDAY, MARCH 16 Nothing happened today.

SATURDAY, MARCH 17 When it rains, it pours: The week continues with another impressive Hot Tip, this one from Hot Tipper Celeste, who opens her eyewitness report with a confession: "Once or twice a year, I go to one of the Puget Sound region's Popeyes Chicken & Biscuits for... well, chicken and biscuits. It's a rare and special occasion, so I was especially disheartened with what I witnessed tonight. My man and I were in the drive-through, which at Popeyes can be a 40- to 50-minute commitment. Suddenly, an elderly man ran in front of our car and entered the fancy, pimped-out Yukon in line in front of us. Within a minute, the man exited the Yukon carrying a small bag of crack rocks, which he eventually slipped into his pocket. Less than 60 seconds later, an elderly woman limped across the lot and entered the same Yukon. This time, we got to watch the woman smoke the crack from a pipe, after which she went on her crack-happy way. A total of four "customers" entered and exited the Yukon all while in the Popeyes drive-through! At least the drug dealers of the '70s and '80s had some class. It just seemed so much more pleasant and wholesome to know where the drug houses were and to avoid them, if so desired."

SUNDAY, MARCH 18 The week ends with an estimated 3,000 citizens taking to the streets of Seattle to protest the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the most shameful noncovert military actions in contemporary American history, now entering their fifth years.

Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.