MONDAY, AUGUST 16 The week begins with this thrilling tale of basset hounds, drag queens, and outlaw justice in the magical land of Issaquah. Our protagonist is one Ms. Stephanie Lollyfox, a 6' 3", 160-lb drag performer who, when she's not onstage at Foxxes, lives quietly with her two adolescent sons in the aforementioned Issaquah. Our antagonists are a couple of Stephanie's neighbors, who, unable to repress Stephanie through overt means, recently opted for stealthier measures: Ratting out Stephanie's basset hound Barney to the condo association. (Condo rules require all dogs to weigh under 25 lbs., and Barney is an easy 30.) When Stephanie learned of the investigation into her beloved dog's weight, she asked her neighbors if they knew who turned in her pooch. The pair denied all knowledge of the matter, but a phone call from Stephanie to condo management revealed that they were indeed the culprits. Tonight Stephanie confronted the man of the house, charged him with the deed, and was given this cheery response: "Get out of my way or I'll flatten you like a rock." Stephanie says words were exchanged, She was shoved up against a wall, and before she knew it, she was clocking the short, thuggy guy. "It was my first punch ever, and my heart was going 130 miles an hour in a 10 mile zone," says Stephanie. Nevertheless, her debut punch was enough to send the guy to the pavement. Police were called, X-rays were taken, and things could get messy from here. Still, any time a drag queen punches out a bitchy prick is cause for celebration.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 17 Today a humongous earthquake hit Turkey and killed so many fucking people (a projected 40,000) that Last Days has nothing flip to say about it at all. Fortunately, The Seattle Times made our joke for us, with their inadvertently hilarious headline, "World Rushes to Help Devastated Turkey."
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 18 Speaking of things that are not laughing matters: Today The Seattle Times shed light on the burgeoning problem of prank calls to the Coast Guard. In the past two weeks, there have been five phony distress calls to the Seattle Coast Guard -- all from apparently the same boy. "Help, help me, please," said the boy in his first call to the Coast Guard office. "I don't want my mom to die. My boat's like, on fire." The Guard dispatched a helicopter and 41-foot utility boat (at a cost of more than $6,000 per hour), but a search of the area revealed the call to be a hoax. The office has since received four more calls with similar messages; since the beginning of the year, they've logged over 150 false distress calls. (Of these, half have been pranks, while the others have been ruled accidental.) Phony distress calls waste taxpayer money and professionals' time, and they should stop. However, if you simply must prank call the Coast Guard, try this one. Inform the operator that you are going down, then insist that they send you a dinghy full of salty sea men.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 19 Ours is a passive age. However, there are times when one must shake off the moral torpor that so characterizes our era and combat the enemies of righteousness firsthand. It is in this spirit of righteous combat that Last Days registers formal opposition to today's shocking news that, in a forthcoming A&E film version of The Great Gatsby, the role of Daisy Buchanan, the lovely, chilly vixen who arouses the eternal adoration of Jay Gatsby, will be played by Mira Sorvino. While we cannot disparage Mira Sorvino's talents as an actress (we're particularly fond of her work in Romy & Michele's High School Reunion), we can say that casting Mira Sorvino as Daisy makes about as much sense as casting Dennis Franz as Jesus. Those of you who've read Fitzgerald's novel understand the enormity of this casting transgression. Those of you who haven't -- trust us, this is a crime against nature. Register your indignation to A&E, 235 E. 45th St. NY NY, 10017. (While you're at it, inform them that Daisy Buchanan should be played by Ashley Judd.)
FRIDAY, AUGUST 20 Oh, goody: A new report by the United States military has predicted widespread "probable" or "likely" failures in important power and water systems for many of the nation's cities due to the Y2K problem, reports the Associated Press. The new military report reveals a much darker picture than any statements the White House has yet made. But Clinton's top Y2K advisor John Koskinen has declared the military's conclusions to be "overly pessimistic," and based on the assumption that major utilities would fail unless proved otherwise. (Last Days would also like to point out that the report comes from the same military that predicted the "probable" or "likely" spread of Communism to all corners of the globe if America failed to ransack Vietnam for 4/5ths of a decade.) The new survey sparked a buzz after it was posted yesterday on the World Wide Web. Particularly surprised were residents of Bremerton, who learned that their fair city was among those likely to experience "total failure" in their water and sewer systems. "There's no reason to believe that failure is likely," City Services Director Kathleen McCluskey told The Seattle Times. "We're feeling confident." With predictions varying so widely, Last Days encourages everyone to take deep breaths and buy at least a few jugs of bottled water. (For the record, our own level of Y2K-phobia resides somewhere between those freaks who plan on greeting the New Millennium in bunkers stocked with wheat and heavy artillery, and those freaks who think nothing at all will happen and are planning on spending New Year's Eve in Mazatlan.)
SATURDAY, AUGUST 21 Today Last Days had the pleasure of hearing a wonderful new song on Top 40 radio: "No Scrubs," by female vocal group TLC. For those not yet in the know, a "scrub" is a guy who thinks he's fly. (He's also known as a busta.) He's always thinking about what he wants, and just sitting on his broke ass. FYI, TLC don't want no scrubs. A scrub is a guy who can't get no love from them.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 22 The week wraps up with this beautiful story of women in love and a man insane at the Fremont canal. On this glorious afternoon, two women were strolling around the canal, "feeding the ducks and being in love." (Awww.) But their duck-feeding romance was unfortunately disrupted when a man -- completely naked and wielding a loaf of bread -- careened toward them, ranting about lesbian love and Biblical law. The fearless pair promptly shouted down the pantsless psycho, temporarily scaring him off. But when he continued to accost other canal-goers, they decided to call the cops. Waiting in their car for the police to arrive, the women were again approached by the man, who now performed a little dance before spreading his buttcheeks to the revolted pair. (Apparently, revealing your butthole to strangers is in complete compliance with Biblical law.) The cops arrived, the man was arrested, and the women went lovingly on their way.
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